Schoolwork battles

[Aerialist50]

Hi all. I have a bright, but anxious soon to be 13 year old. Homework has been a huge battle since starting high school. She refuses to do it in in a timely manner, often leaving in until 10.30 at night and then insisting I sit with her to do it. She procastinates for hours first (I need a drink/snack/get changed) etc meaning a 20 min homework can take 2 hours or more. Last night I managed to get her upstairs st 9am to do it, but it was 10 20 before she would actually start it.

Now we have her year 8 exams and she is point blank refusing to revise. I have tried everything, but she refuses. I think she's frightened of failing and overwhelmed but she refuses to discuss it with me (puts her fingers in her ears and tells me to leave the room if I try). I'm exhausted from the nightly battles and don't know what else to do, but let her fail. Threats to involve school lead to her threatening to refuse to go.

I feel like I'm failing her, but I'm at the end of my rope. I've told her now it's her choice on whether to do her work and revise, and she needs to take the consequences from school if she doesn't. What else can I do??

Ok so your problem isn't really homework it's that she won't let you go to bed and is (probably) using the homework as an excuse.

Things you could do:

Firstly contact the school and explain what is happening. In the circumstances they may be prepared to say she does not need to do homework, my school has done this with students with autism and adhd before
That will remove that problem, and you'll then find out if it is really about the homework

Secondly you need to address the behaviour at her bedtimes. Are there other children or other adults in the house? If yes it'll be harder as you don't want to disturb them. If no, then look at taking a couple of days off work. Then simply stay up with her. Don't do the homework, don't give in. See what happens. You can sleep while she is at school.

Whatever else is going on, she's got locked into a cycle with homework and it needs to be broken.

It's mainly just with us. She's doing well af actually school but I'm convinced she's ADHD and is "masking" all day at school, therefore lesding to the issues at home when she's exhausted from masking. She refuses to speak to school though and accused me of breaking her trust if I say I'll do it without her.

I wonder if you need a reframe. It sounds like both of you are at breaking point and it’s become a power battle and you need to become a team working together. I suspect she is scared; trying to simultaneously take control AND get you to take control as she’s scared of doing things wrong. It does sound both somewhat typical of my ND teens. And a bit the sort of shit 13 yo do ;-). I would be talking to school: are there seeing any patterns that would support a ND diagnosis (autism/Adhd - both are very linked to high anxiety.

In the meantime, I had a similar scenario with my Ds (ND) where both getting ready before school and homework became battles. What helped was:

• acknowledging what we were doing wasn’t working and that we needed to start again and decide something that worked
• creating a neutral space and getting him to talk through what he found hard. Listening and providing no judgement and no solutions. Allowing him to dig into what was hard and why. Keep that ‘what’s the problem’ totally separate to solutionising. I did an emotions graph as part of this (one of our flashpoint was mornings) - how was he feeling at different times; what was going on at that time; what drove the anxiety/frustration whatever. Listen. Acknowledge. If it goes well, share yours too, but make it about you not her.
• then have a separate session about what you both need and what your non negotiables are : eg for you, you need a clear time for when she needs you so that you can plan the rest of your jobs. Be careful that these are what you need not what you want: eg you might want her to get straight As but you don’t actually need it. Make your needs about you not about what you need her to do.
• then do a solution session. If at all possible, she should drive this. If possible say yes to anything that meets your needs: eg you might prefer she does her homework when she gets in, but if she does it say straight after dinner, then fine. She might want to time box it: if that meets your needs, then fine.
• then draw up this as an agreement. Stick it on the wall. My ds did cartoons for each step. This is what you’ll try for a week: agree in advance any options to change it, if not for a week this is non negotiable.
• do a test week then review. What worked; what didn’t. In that week don’t get into arguements: we try this for a week and then review. Stick to doing whatever you’ve agreed you’ll do.

It might not work for you, but worth a go….??

good luck OP: sounds like a horrible situation for both of you. FWIW, 12/13 were my hardest years with both of mine and I understand is a pretty standard crunch point where many high functioning ND kids find the wheels fall off. The expectations in terms of self organising and time management really shift at secondary, and it’s where a need for more support starts.

Just read your update. Yeah, I nearly said ‘bet she’s masking at school and they think she’s fine! Ok, in that case I’d say your first step is to talk about talking to school. She must know the situation is untenable. Have you talked ADHD to her? There’s a ton of people on TikTok/insta who do awareness raising of femalepresentation which might help her see this as ‘normal for her’ and ground it a bit?

Ok h and of course issues with sleep regulation are a classic ND issue…

I've just told her I need to contact school which led to a huge explosion of rage and her saying she will refuse to engage with them if I do. I literally don't know what to do anymore.

I've tried that. All goes well until the actual.impldmdntatikn of the action plan, then she just refuses to see it through. Now she's at the point where she won't even discuss the issues.

Back off,

If she's doing well at school don't worry about imposing or forcing revision.

If you are getting massive rage about contacting school then leave it. A week or a month won't make much difference in the grand scheme of things and if she starts refusing to go to school as a result you have bigger problems

This is my concern. I'm worried I'll completely break her trust If I do it behind her back, particularly as she says she won't engage if I do. She already has a medical diagnosis (spina bifida) whicb she feels "makes her different" from her classmates and I think this might be behind her reluctance to accept support from school. She's just screamed at me that I just "need to help her more" but when I calmly ask how she wants me to help, she just yells "just help!"

At the moment I'm just withdrawing from her which isn't helpful either, but I'm exhausted from the battle anx need a break.

Yes, no other children, but my husband I in the house. He is up at 5.30am for work (ambulance driver) so obviously I can't have her coming in our room at 10.30 - 11pm burning on lights and screaming when he has to be up.

ADHD is a condition not an excuse. Start the process with your GP or your SENCO to get her diagnosed but it takes a long time and what do you think a diagnosis is really going to bring? I have a younger DC going through diagnosis and I've got this shit to come. I'm lucky as I have a close family member who is a CAMHS psychiatrist and we talk about it. There's no magic bullet. You need to find strategies to help her deal with normal life stuff like going to bed or doing homework. She needs to work with her own skills and attributes to achieve her goals.

We all mask in life . I wouldn't get to drawn into the trap of making these excuses for her.

You need reward based strategies:
If she does her homework she gets to do her preferred activity. Is that messaging friends? Going to the cinema at the weekend? Watching Netflix?

What is she actually doing between getting home and starting homework late at night?

Give her an allowance and make some of it fixed and some conditional on doing homework.

I don't understand what consequences you've met out for her behaviour late at night? Kicking your door and screaming?

We have controls on all devices so they can't access willy nilly. You need to get these and allow access following the homework and good behaviour but limited due to sleep problems.

Has she always been a nightmare for getting to sleep? My ds is awful and I haven't found a solution yet. I need to register for a sleep clinic. It's trickier with teens who stay up late anyway. Just try and get her to chill out with a book and no screens after about 830/9pm.

After about 10pm I don't permit reading and an unsympathetic about constant loo trips and getting drinks or the myriad of excuses that both dc make up. I tell them to lie down with an eye mask on. It doesn't always work but they calm down eventually. Sleep is problematic for a lot of people but limiting screens and sugar and enforcing age appropriate bed times helps.

I took her allowance away last time she kicked the door. I can't emphasise enough how stubborn she is. Rewards and consequences simply do not work with her. She can't regulate herself enough yet to stop abd think while she's behaving poorly that there'll be a consequence. I've already offered that if she refuses and does well, she can chose a treat from the spa (they do a "teen" section) that she loves, but wglhile she loves the idea, the reality is she still doesn't do it.

I've told her today the battle is over. I'm not engaging anymore. She knows what her homework is every night (it's set out a term in advance) and she knows what she needs to revise (they have a revision booklet with it all set out). If she wants help she can ask, otherwise she's ln her own. If I remove myself from the battle, she cannot fight.

This sounds like it's anxiety based.

The Explosive Child is good but a better one is 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (Jeffrey Bernstein). I found his strategies really helpful.

Look up the PDA PANDA approach too.

That's a good strategy if you think you can keep it up - it's called 'dropping the rope'. But you are probably going to need to address the source of the anxiety or GCSE will break both of you!

I'll look that up - thank you x

Yes, I know. At the moment she won't engage enough to tell me what the anxiety is. She usually talks to me about everything else (friends, boys etc). I'm hoping if I drop the battle, she'll either be forced to address it by school if her grades drop (they are strict) or without the battle, she'll start talking x

She may not in fact know what the problem is?

I was similar as a child and ended up not doing homework unless it was a piece of GCSE coursework and even then it would be crammed into the night before.

I was bright, well-behaved and engaged in lessons at school and this helped me get away with doing no homework.

When homework was coursework I'd feel overwhelmed by the task so leave it until the last possible minute and then stress about it. My mum would try to help but wouldn't 'get it' (in my view), so that would lead to friction and so she'd give up and go to bed and I'd finally start work at 11pm and work into the early hours when it was done. Then I'd get an A for it and every time I'd think, 'why didn't I just start sooner; I could have done it without all the stress and probably got an A* for it'. But each new piece of work would come round and the same thing would happen.

My work ethic improved a bit during A levels where I was more engaged with the subjects and where it was obvious that one night wasn't enough time to do the work but it was still an internal battle for me. This followed at uni too and then in the workplace. The word procrastination has been belittled into funny memes but the mental health fall out of being like this is significant. I loathe myself for it yet can't change.

I've just made it to front of the waiting list for an adult ADD assessment and I'm looking forward to seeing if medication might help...

Yes that's something I see in her. When she's not defensive she gets upset abd says "why am I like this?" ,then she'll spend a few days doing her homework at lunch time, I'll praise her and next thing, she's back to struggling again x

I don't think she knows either. But she resists all help in anyone else finding out either. I feel hepless because I don't think she's doing thus to "be bad". She's stubborn and struggling and csn't/won't let me or anyone else help her 😪

I have no magic solutions but you may have more success enlisting another adult instead. DD resists all my helpful suggestions! But sometimes will let DH help.

Dad, Teacher, Head of year, SENCO, family friend, grandparent, coach, older teenager?

I have occasionally had success raising stuff in the car (reduced eye contact) or using text/WhatsApp/messaging.

No solutions, just sympathy, my DD is similar and it’s incredibly difficult. I’ve just downloaded the 10 days to a less defiant child book that someone above recommended… let’s see!

I've downloaded that too. Read the first bit and it definitely resonates here x

I think you have far bigger problems with her than refusing to do homework! Kicking doors and controlling behaviour are not acceptable. She needs to see a counsellor.

Gosh she sounds exactly like my son so following for ideas!