Schoolwork battles

[Aerialist50]

Hi all. I have a bright, but anxious soon to be 13 year old. Homework has been a huge battle since starting high school. She refuses to do it in in a timely manner, often leaving in until 10.30 at night and then insisting I sit with her to do it. She procastinates for hours first (I need a drink/snack/get changed) etc meaning a 20 min homework can take 2 hours or more. Last night I managed to get her upstairs st 9am to do it, but it was 10 20 before she would actually start it.

Now we have her year 8 exams and she is point blank refusing to revise. I have tried everything, but she refuses. I think she's frightened of failing and overwhelmed but she refuses to discuss it with me (puts her fingers in her ears and tells me to leave the room if I try). I'm exhausted from the nightly battles and don't know what else to do, but let her fail. Threats to involve school lead to her threatening to refuse to go.

I feel like I'm failing her, but I'm at the end of my rope. I've told her now it's her choice on whether to do her work and revise, and she needs to take the consequences from school if she doesn't. What else can I do??

There are two things I think I'd try.

1. making homework routine at a certain time
2. looking over the homework yourself in advance. See if it can be done in smaller chunks. E.g. if she has an a4 she to fill out with several boxes on, cover all of the boxes apart from one. She might feel less overwhelmed and more likely to try that one, especially if it's a question. She can do quite easily. Then uncover another etc until done. I appreciate that not all homework can be done like this, but sometimes, seeing less to do makes it more accessible.

Ultimately, if she's doing well in school, it isn't the end of the world. Take the pressure off. If she does see her grades drop slightly, it might help her understand the importance of it and open up a conversation on how it can best be done.

I think I'd also contact the school and ask how well she is accessing the work in class. What techniques work well for her, is there a way of adopting any of these at home?

WTF?

OP, I speak from experience when I say sometimes the best thing to do is back off and let her face the consequences.

When she's ready, little and often. Praise the good work, ignore the bad. Reward effort not results.

I really sympathise with you. The behaviour is really OTT, I'm wondering if she might need more positive attention from you.

At the risk of stating this as I got shouted down and had abuse fired at me for saying something similar on another thread but this sounds ADHD/ASD type behaviour especially with regard to executive functioning. Very often it is diagnosed late in girls as it is difficult to spot. Not much help for you now, but may be worth speaking to doctor and or SEN dept at your daughters school.
And before anyone jumps down my throat and calls me an armchair doctor, I'm ASD myself and have taught ADHD/ASD kids for 36 years!!!
Best of luck to you.

I agree @Grah and have a diagnosed AuDHD child myself, but as you say, suggesting neurodiversity tends to summon the "labels" crowd and cause a pile on.

And diagnosis doesn't make the homework go away!

This sounds very much like myself and son (both undiagnosed ADHD) my Daughter is Autism diagnosed.

Needing someone to sit alongside to do somethings known as 'body doubling' have no idea why it works but it does. Maybe look up some sites on tiktok or Instagram that will give an idea of whether it fits.
Rich pink and his partner have lots of great ideas.

Hope you can figure something out to help you all :)

I agree with others saying you will offer a window where you will sit with her and offer any support she needs, at a time period that both suits you and allows her to unwind and do the other things things she keeps saying are keeping her from starting. Something like 7-8pm. She can of course do it earlier or later but you won’t be sitting with her. Even involve her in a discussion about what is a time window that works for both of you.
It doesn’t sounds like ‘punishments’ are particularly effective for not doing the work and are potentially counterproductive. So she either does or doesn’t do it. Getting into bother at school or not getting good marks will be punishment enough.

I didn’t revise and I didn’t do any homework unless I knew I’d get merit marks. I’ve never failed an exam except RE which I boycotted. I didn’t get all As either but I’ve got a great job, A’Levels and a degree.

If you insist I walks say she does it as soon as she gets home or she won’t get pocket money, clubs etc. Make sure she knows she can fail and it’ll be alright but only if she tries.

What about outsourcing the homework to a tutor? You are her safe person so she can behave like this as bad as it is.

speak to school urgently. Get referred for everything as takes time. Does the school give consequences for homework not done? If they don’t then don’t do the work. As no consequences to worry about.

is there another parent to help?

Can you get outside help? I have heard great things from friends who have worked with Sarah at Connective Learning. She helps teens build their confidence by helping them understand how they learn and giving them the tools they need to revise etc. Might be worth a shot? Google her x

I would say this is very likely. I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying with my own 17 year old son. I am also a teacher working with children with autism (many have ADHD diagnosis as well) in a resource base in a mainstream secondary school. It sounds like your daughter does not have the ability to regulate her emotions and is quickly becoming overwhelmed. I would definitely speak to a GP about a referral to CAMHS but be prepared for a very long wait. We ended up going privately and my son now has a diagnosis of ADHD. He has started medication which has made a huge difference to his explosiveness (not a stimulant and doesn’t work for everyone but luckily it seems to have for him). That alongside accessing therapy for him as well as us moderating our responses have made our household a generally calmer one. I would also recommend talking to the school about the battles you are having. They should work on the assumption that she has ADHD and put in reasonable adjustments to support her. This may include reducing the amount of homework she has to reduce demand. Good luck.

@BlackBean2023 weird that you picked my post out considering I was the 6th person to post and then the OP came back and updated with the whole she won't let me sleep, said kicks down the door, she will refuse to go to school if OP contacts school, she exploded when OP talked to her.

This thread has completely turned since I initially posted. This does not sound like an NT child, I do have some SEND experience but it is with primary aged children in a school, not my own children.

Also sometimes letting them face the consequences ends up in school refusal. Just because it worked in one instance for you doesn't mean it works for all children.

It's also classic 13 year old. I know, I was one, and so were all my friends. Grammar school, if that makes any difference whatsoever. Our first thought should not be ADHD.

It does sound like PDA which is an autistic profile. My daughter has done all those things when disregulated...

Been there…worn the T-shirt…got the grey hairs and wreckage of my sanity. Please, check out the PDA Society for information about how to deal with these behaviours. Too tired from yet another challenging day of awful behaviours to write too much more. I would absolutely love to swap lives with those here who clearly live with compliant teens and who seem to think that this is a parenting issue or a disciplinary issue. Honestly, you have no idea.

If she is actually bright, she probably doesn't need revision that much. Homework is also pretty much meh.

However, i demand decent grades. If my DC get good grades - they get money. If they don't, then they don't. Teenagers are motivated by immediate and tangible rewards, not something in the distant future.

Honestly i would back off. You are not failing her bet she is failing herself. Give her a time slot or before say 8pm when you are availabe for her however she needs you and after that leave her to it and to realise and accept the consequeces

You can’t force her to do it

if she doesn’t I’m sure the school will dish out detentions and she may fail her exams

not all kids are acedemic and a lot of pressure is put on them from a young age to be this way

if you really want her to do it then no phone, no tv, no downtime till it’s done

Way to much pressure and info for a 13 year old

a college student yes a ks3 no

I second the other lady that mentioned ADHD. Also maybe anxiety or autism, perfectionism can appear in an odd way in that they don’t even start a project because of it. ADHD can appear in girls as overthinking rather than physical and can also lead to them freezing as in they are so overwhelmed they get stuck and don’t start at all. Also classic is leaving it until the last minute or late at night. Buddy system works where she does the homework whilst you are there. Watch ADHD love on Facebook or Instagram. She’s probably so far behind she doesn’t know where to start. Ask her calmly, (away from home) maybe in the car whilst you grab a drink from somewhere and tell her it’s ok if she’s behind. The main thing is to get her to open up. Also are you talking at her? Sometimes we don’t leave enough goes so kids can actually talk. At this age if you interrupt to give advice they clam up or get defensive. A good book is how to talk so teens will listen.

@Aerialist50 this sounds like barn-door undiagnosed ADHD......

My daughter is only 9 so I'm in a different stage. But what I wanted to share is she's just been diagnosed as dyslexic and I've been reading this book called at home with dyslexia. This book is really clear that you are the parent, not the teacher. It promotes that you set up a workstation somewhere quiet, get them all the equipment they need, help with timetabling if needed, and then you leave them to it. You are kind of a facilitator, but you can't do the work for them. It also suggests outsourcing school work if needed, ie getting a tutor. I can already see that this will apply to my daughter as she is extremely diligent at school but the complete opposite with us at home. I've started to look in to tutors as I think a relationship with someone who can help her with homework or revise things they did in class will be invaluable, remove difficulties from the home environment and free us up to be her parents and advocates. Maybe some of this rings true for you!

Hi I’m a teacher and a parent. When I used to hear about homework battles from parents at the end of their tether, I would suggest this… don’t battle. Tell them, okay I’ll just let your teacher know you chose not to complete this assignment - but make sure you follow through. It might be a hellish night that night with dramatics and so on, but if they still don’t do it, it’s usually the last time.

If they then continue to refuse, which is rare, but happens, it’s on them.

I was that exact kid, I never did my homework or did it last minute. I was bright but always last minute Larry and my parents out it on me. I know times have changed somewhat. I also did do quite well in my GCSEs but failed my A-levels due to this mentality but I didn’t want uni at 18. When I was 24 I did, I wanted to be a teacher so I redid it all, while working and I had a mortgage. I went to uni at 25, qualified at 28 while working and planning a wedding.

you aren’t failing her, you’re doing your best. She is young and she can turn her life around at any time. Don’t stress, offer help but leave her to it. She’ll learn, even it is costs her a qualification that she needs to do later in life.

my mum recently asked ‘do you regret not trying harder in school?’ My answer was no - I bloody loved school, left at 17, got a job and met my husband. We’ve been together 20 years now and have a cracking life! ❤️

Before you go down the whole diagnosis/“what is wrong with my child” route. I would unpick the whole homework battle thing. Is it only this and this alone you have problems with? Is it all homework or certain subjects? Is work and behaviour at school absolutely fine? Is weekend behaviour absolutely fine? Holidays etc? If so, then there must be a reason why the homework specifically is causing a problem.

The one phrase that stuck out for me was “just help me”. It sounds like she honestly doesn’t know what it is that’s making her anxious but it’s her way of getting your attention. She knows you don’t want to fail her. It’s not that she’s being manipulative but she recognises that this is a way to connect with you. Coming into your bedroom at 10.30pm is a cry for help.

I know you only mentioned this in passing but I do feel that having Spina Bifida and having to deal with all that that entails as a teenage girl of 13 is quite a big issue. Is this something you discuss openly? Is it something that affects her day to day life? You’re absolutely right to realise that anything that makes a 13 year old feel different to their peers will be a real cause of distress.

I would really try in the first instance to have a few frank discussions about what in particular she’s feeling anxious about. See if you can pinpoint what’s underlying the stubbornness about homework.

www.shinecharity.org.uk/what-to-expect/behaviour

If you scroll down to What can help? on this (rather long) page, there are some really useful practical tips there.

(Apologies if you're already familiar with this resource).