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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Schoolwork battles

82 replies

Aerialist50 · 05/06/2024 06:44

Hi all. I have a bright, but anxious soon to be 13 year old. Homework has been a huge battle since starting high school. She refuses to do it in in a timely manner, often leaving in until 10.30 at night and then insisting I sit with her to do it. She procastinates for hours first (I need a drink/snack/get changed) etc meaning a 20 min homework can take 2 hours or more. Last night I managed to get her upstairs st 9am to do it, but it was 10 20 before she would actually start it.

Now we have her year 8 exams and she is point blank refusing to revise. I have tried everything, but she refuses. I think she's frightened of failing and overwhelmed but she refuses to discuss it with me (puts her fingers in her ears and tells me to leave the room if I try). I'm exhausted from the nightly battles and don't know what else to do, but let her fail. Threats to involve school lead to her threatening to refuse to go.

I feel like I'm failing her, but I'm at the end of my rope. I've told her now it's her choice on whether to do her work and revise, and she needs to take the consequences from school if she doesn't. What else can I do??

OP posts:
Original poster
Aerialist50 · 10/06/2024 07:03

Ganthanga · 08/06/2024 13:15

I think you have far bigger problems with her than refusing to do homework! Kicking doors and controlling behaviour are not acceptable. She needs to see a counsellor.

Thankfully after a particularly rough few days, she has finally agreed she needs support. I went through SEND at school on Friday and they are referring her to the school counsellor. She has been very tearful all weekend saying she feels ashamed of hiw she behaves. We've been trujng to use a timer fior the homework and so far it's semi working x

OP posts:
Original poster
Aerialist50 · 12/06/2024 08:50

Honestlyy · 08/06/2024 13:27

I really sympathise with you. The behaviour is really OTT, I'm wondering if she might need more positive attention from you.

I can't give her any more positive attention than she gets. If she's not at school or her ,she is with me. I literally get no break.

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Original poster
Aerialist50 · 12/06/2024 08:54

Grah · 08/06/2024 13:31

At the risk of stating this as I got shouted down and had abuse fired at me for saying something similar on another thread but this sounds ADHD/ASD type behaviour especially with regard to executive functioning. Very often it is diagnosed late in girls as it is difficult to spot. Not much help for you now, but may be worth speaking to doctor and or SEN dept at your daughters school.
And before anyone jumps down my throat and calls me an armchair doctor, I'm ASD myself and have taught ADHD/ASD kids for 36 years!!!
Best of luck to you.

I've managed to get her to agree to involving school. They think she is likely inattentive ADD but the waiting list for NHS diagnosis is 3 years. They're referring her for counselling and CBT but likely it won't start until the next school year. I am due an inheritance in the next few months so will likely go private for a diagnosis as we can't continue like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aerialist50 · 12/06/2024 09:01

Welshmonster · 08/06/2024 14:32

What about outsourcing the homework to a tutor? You are her safe person so she can behave like this as bad as it is.

speak to school urgently. Get referred for everything as takes time. Does the school give consequences for homework not done? If they don’t then don’t do the work. As no consequences to worry about.

is there another parent to help?

My husband (her Dad) is at home but is no help. He thinks she should just be punished. They have a very difficult relationship (similar personalities plus he doesn't listen to her) and it just ends in a screaming match.
I've managed to get school to refer her for counselling which i'm hoping will help.
Yes, school give consequences of detention if homework isn't done. She's terrified ofvthus so always dies it, the issue is it takes her up to 5 hours and she refuses to do it without me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aerialist50 · 12/06/2024 09:08

WhompingWillows · 08/06/2024 17:27

Been there…worn the T-shirt…got the grey hairs and wreckage of my sanity. Please, check out the PDA Society for information about how to deal with these behaviours. Too tired from yet another challenging day of awful behaviours to write too much more. I would absolutely love to swap lives with those here who clearly live with compliant teens and who seem to think that this is a parenting issue or a disciplinary issue. Honestly, you have no idea.

Thank you so much for understanding. We gave tried consequences - do not work. Taking away the electronics- she will fight for hours - work still does not get done and then we're all exhausted. Any mention of "it has to be done at X time" leads to an outright refusal. Its not as easy as people think. I've started looking at the PDA stuff and it definitely makes sense x

OP posts:
waterrat · 12/06/2024 13:22

Year 8 exams are not a big deal. i would just step back and say - up to you what you do. If she fails - she can learn that is the consequence.

i have adhd and absolutely could not do school work out of school - tbh - I hate homework! why sould kids spend all day in school then have to work at home, its bullshit.

Let it go and tell her it isn't a big deal - that may be what she needs to hear to reduce the general anxiety around it.

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