DS friend lying to parents who are also my friends

[bridgertonmodiste]

DS tells me a lot about what's going on with his friends. I like that he does this.

He has a friend who is lying a lot to their parents. Parties, drinking, that sort of thing. Lying about where they are. Lying about how things got broken.

Their parents are my friends.

I don't think I can betray DS'a confidence by telling them but it's very awkward.

I feel very conflicted.

Thinking I'm asking for sympathy rather than advice.

It is hard to feel caught in the middle. I sympathise!

Is the son in any danger with any of it? If he is then you need to say something. If it’s just low level drinking, vaping nonsense I wouldn’t say anything, keep your sons confidence i case something worse happens later.

Not direct danger I don't think, more poor choices.

But their parents think they are the perfect child and so give them a lot of free rein.

How old is the child? 12 would be quite different to 17 for example.

15

I would stay out of it tbh. My DD was friendly with my friend’s DD - we met through them and developed a strong friendship as the girls drifted to different groups. Her DD was partying/drinking/taking drugs etc. in their last few years of school while her mum thought she was an angel. Fair enough but she was SO judgemental and critical of others and was always talking about how her DD would never do anything she shouldn’t and told her everything. The girl was clever about not being in too many compromising photos but of course there were a few. I knew that my friend would never believe it if I told her and it would ruin the friendship so kept quiet. Now in their 20s her DD came clean about some of what she did and my friend has rewritten history in her mind so her DD was brave and an independent spirit and of course she knew what her daughter was doing but gave her the freedom to make her own choices 😂 I just smile and continue to say nothing. My DD is amazed we are still friends.

@andyourpointiswhat that sounds infuriating!

There is a big chance that parents already know/suspect, just won't announce it to the world. Of course MY kid is good, why would i be going and telling people that he smokes and drinks?

Where do the parents think their son is when he is at parties etc?
Is your DS with him?
Surely the parents would know if their DS was coming home drunk or smelling of cigarettes/booze?

If your DS is going to the parties too, you could just bring something up in conversation with them along the lines of - Sounds like some party the boys were at last night - I don't remember there being quite so much alcohol/drugs/ whatever around when I was their age. I'm really not sure if I should be letting him go, how do you feel about Freddie going?

The parties are at their house! They do not know!

I had this a lot! I was so jealous of parents who complained their kids didn't tell them anything....!

Generally, I said nothing. A couple of times I did-but they were serious things and I told my child I was going to first.

That's easy then! Next time you see her
'Gosh aren't you brave! Jamie really enjoys Freddie's parties. I don't think I could have all those teens and all that alcohol in my house. Thanks so much for having Jamie over again!'

Where are the parents?
I can't imagine a teen party is finished by 11pm so they must be out very late or leaving him on his own overnight.

Part of me thinks that the parties can't be that bad if they haven't noticed. But as you know, of course you can't say anything. Your responsibility is your relationship with your DS and you can't risk anything that would damage that (assuming no-one is actually at serious risk). It is hard though! Well done!

I'd keep quiet. It sounds like normal teenage behaviour to me. If he was doing something highly immoral or dangerous I'd say something - but drinking and parties? I'd leave him to it.

They are away overnight. I think the parents think they are staying with a friend.

My bet is still that they are aware, just letting it slide, as long as it doesn't get out of hand.
No sane adult would believe teenagers having friends overnight would be a Bible study,

I mean they think they are staying at a friend's house, not at home.

I’ve got three kids. Eldest is 28

Be very wary when your kids start grassing people up. They are not angels themselves and often do it to divert attention to else where.

Stay out of it and actually keep a closer eye on your son

This has crossed my mind.

Could you not innocently drop into conversation that your son enjoyed the party. I think if your son is going to their house whilst they are away and you know that, you are not betraying his confidence by mentioning it. It you could say" wow, u are very trusting letting son have parties in your absence.... was the house still standing?"

To be fair, if a 15yo can get the house cleaned up enough after a teenage party for his parents not to notice that there has been a party, I'm not sure that the parties can be that bad!

This is something you should leave alone.
At 15 this is a situation the "majority" of 15 year olds get up too. With or without thier parents knowledge. They come out the other end pretty much unscathed with a sore head and lots of self pitty.
Now if it were drugs, theft, violence, weapons then yes by all means inform parents, but this (unless a major danger to life) is part of teenage growth.
Don't damage the the confidence just yet. Kids will retaliate by doing the one thing you dont want them to do.

I can't imagine a 15 year old managed to clean up after a party so effectively that parents didn't notice! Unless the house is generally quite a mess I guess...

Yes. I agree, I think.

I've had a good discussion with DS this weekend.

He doesn't like the drinking and parties but also doesn't want to be left out of socialising with his friends.

It's not really my place to intervene but we're trying to find some alternative strategies for him to make an early exit before it gets out of hand.