DS friend lying to parents who are also my friends

[bridgertonmodiste]

DS tells me a lot about what's going on with his friends. I like that he does this.

He has a friend who is lying a lot to their parents. Parties, drinking, that sort of thing. Lying about where they are. Lying about how things got broken.

Their parents are my friends.

I don't think I can betray DS'a confidence by telling them but it's very awkward.

I feel very conflicted.

Thinking I'm asking for sympathy rather than advice.

If their child has told them they are staying with a friend then its their perogative to believe him and trust thats where he would be. Obviously isnt working out for them very well, but they still believe he's in the care of an adult so why would they arrange further care

I'd be very careful, I found out when I was about 18 about all the wild things I'd "done" at 15 when my parents left me at home for a weekend

The thing is
A) my parents never left me at home alone overnight until I was 18 - not because they didn't trust me that just didn't have any need to.
B) I didn't ever go out anywhere and didn't do anything that I supposedly did.

But my best friend had been telling her parents about all the things I was getting up to at the weekend to make herself look good. And use me as an excuse that she had to come to mine to look after me cause she was worried about me - even though she really didn't want to go to a party. When in fact she was going to a boy's house, drinking and having sex.
It was only at my 18th birthday party when they said to my mum "oh now she's 18 we can tell you all the stuff she got up to every time you went away for a weekend" that they and I found out she'd been lying about me for years!
So unless you've actually seen it with your own eyes I honestly wouldn't say anything, it could become very embarrassing for both you and your son

But then how do you react if you find found actually none of that is happening and it's your son that's out doing stuff but talking about what his "friend" is doing to gage your reaction so he knows how you'll react if you find out it's actually him.

It is none of your business

I had a friend in this situation - she told our mutual friend what was going on - they are no longer friends (they were very close until then); it all got really nasty. The messenger was well and truly shot and we have to socialise separately now. Unless they are dealing or taking drugs/risking getting in serious trouble I wouldn’t say anything. It’s a difficult one.

In this ‘day n age’ do they not have a ring doorbell/cameras? No way my son could have people at our house without me knowing 😁

This lad is telling his parents that he is staying at a friend's house. If that 'friend' turns out to be the OP's DS, and he has told his parents that he is staying at OP's house, than that would make it her business, I reckon.

Are photos on SM? If so you could say you were doing a spot check of your ds's SM and spotted some photos from one of his IG (or whatever) friends accounts that looked just like a big party in their kitchen.

If your DS is telling the truth, this could actually be a safeguarding/child protection issue, as others have suggested. We all have a duty of care to keep children safe, even if we are not involved in the situation.

It would betray your DS’s confidence if you went behind his back; but it’s important he knows that some secrets can’t be kept because it puts people at risk. Let him know that you will need to speak with his friend’s parents - tell him he and his friend have two weeks before you speak with them, which gives the teens a chance to come clean by themselves.

If you have no evidence other than your son’s word, you could either speak to the parents but make it very clear you’ve only heard “rumours”, or wait until you have more evidence.

It is unlikely that your son tells you everything. If he really does I would be worried about why, it is important for everyone to have some privacy. In this scenario I think you need to be cautious, the other parents might just be having the same conversation about your own son. If you are confident that your son is safe and has the skills to cope with changing circumstances and emergency and can contact you when necessary I would leave the other parents to deal with their own child.

I was in this position with one of my DD's friends once. I didn't tell the parents everything I knew as I felt that wasn't my place but also wasn't prepared to lie. When her parents rang me to check if she was with my DD as she'd said she was, I told them the truth that she wasn't but didn't elaborate any further. It is difficult as I think I would want to know if my DC was lying to me but also wouldn't like the feeling of my parenting or relationship with my DC being judged.

Speak to the boy directly, tell him what you know, you can imply it came from elsewhere rather than your son, and that he should talk to his parents before you do.
If he doesn’t, you must tell them, imagine the situation the other way round.

Some teenagers go through a period of fibbing between the ages of 12-16. I know because I did, I used to tell a friend I had 12 boyfriends and went partying every night. My friend’s mother told my mother who burst out laughing as she knew very well that I never left the house and didn’t even have one boyfriend.
I was a very isolated teenager with an overactive imagination who wanted to seem cool in front of a classmate. My mom of course came to the conclusion that my friend was the one making things up. Take everything you’re told with a grain of salt.

Nothing to do with you. You won't be thanked.

Unless they are in danger I would stay out of it. It will have an effect on your child who will end up taking the blame.

Surprised your son is gabbling this to you mine are fiercely loyal to their friends and no way would tell parents this information.

Ive been in a similar situation (& still am now even though the DC in question is now an adult making choices his parents wouldn't be happy about).

My DS is an oversharer - tells us everything & I mean EVERYTHING. We often have to tell him to stop but he cant help it. I know all about his and his friends lives, including all the bits Id rather I didnt know about!

One of his best friends has made some questionable choices over the last few years which we have known all about and know his parents (who we are friends with and have gone on holiday with) would not be happy about.

But we decided long ago that we wouldn't get involved as its not our place and it would be very difficult for DS to remain friends with him once he knew we'd told on his mate.

Ultimately we have chosen to protect our son and keep his confidence rather than tell his mates parents. His parents think he is an angel and he certainly isnt but we've kept out of it. It would probably alter our friendship too much too so we're at peace with our decision.

The type of things hes done since 15/16 include smoking weed, underage drinking, cheating on his girlfriend, being addicted to vaping, having mates over to the house for a small 'gathering' when they have been away and hes been told not to etc. Nothing too serious and we've been content to not tell.

He's now 20 and occasionally does ket too. Not great at all, but he is an adult now and its his choice to do. My DS is no angel but doesnt do drugs (frequently drug tested for work) and Id rather he kept talking to me about whats going on with him that not know.

Id advise you to keep out of it too - its always the messenger who gets shot!

What did your mum say to them when they told her that?

I lied to my parents because they were too strict and overbearing. I sympathise with him.
Maybe ask your son to keep telling so that you can be that caring ear that ensures he doesn’t fall to the wrong side.
you don’t want your son to lose confidence or trust in you because they will go mad at him and it’ll come out it was from you and your son.

I can't remember fully but I know it was along the lines of "when was this because I know we're getting old and forgetful but I'm sure we'd remember leaving her alone for multiple weekends" 🤣
My friends parents were very embarrassed

🤣 I bet!

Normal behaviour for a 15 year old. I wouldn't say anything to your DF. Steer your DS onto his own issues.

The thing that doesn’t ring true is that he’s having these overnight wild parties at their house and that it’s being cleaned up to the extent they don’t know about it. There’s little chance there would be no damages, rubbish, bottles etc. you know your son better than anyone here l, but is it likely as someone says he exaggerates a bit so he looks very well behaved in comparison? If you only have one side on this it’s hard to judge. But also, if your DS is good at sharing with you, don’t jeopardise it by using info he’s given to parents unless a child is really in trouble or harm. We used to drink and experiment with smoking etc a 15/16 but we’re all pretty strait laced at school and then Uni.

My DD was super open with me about all sorts. I wasn't best friends with the parents whose kids she spoke about. There was one occasion I wondered whether I should tell the parents as it involved a girl in an extreme abusive relationship. DD was not comfortable with that but soon after it came out anyway and the parents stepped in. Mostly however if it's just normal partying, drink and drugs I'd stay out of it. I agree that most parents have done inkling. I once met a Mum at a gathering who was very anxious about what her DD was up to and I was thinking yes you ought to be from what Ive heard. But I kept quiet.

Certainly if my DC had an unauthorised party at that age I'd have known because their idea of having cleaned up is way off mine!

As others have said, I find it incredible that a 15 year old boy can have a secret party at his parents’ house overnight and his parents come back oblivious the next day. Either his parents do know or he’s actually an incredibly resourceful and responsible teenage boy and is able to tidy up, put a house in order and clear away every shred of evidence before his parents return.

I would maybe instead look at why your son is telling you this. Is it because it makes him anxious and he wants you to rescue him from the situation? Is it because he wants to judge your reaction in case it’s him in a few months/years time? Is it because he wants you to recognise how good he’s being compared to his friend? Is it because he’s worried about his friend and actually wants you to tell his parents?

Ask him.

Why your son is telling you about his friend is actually the key question here, not what the friend is or is not doing.