DS friend lying to parents who are also my friends

[bridgertonmodiste]

DS tells me a lot about what's going on with his friends. I like that he does this.

He has a friend who is lying a lot to their parents. Parties, drinking, that sort of thing. Lying about where they are. Lying about how things got broken.

Their parents are my friends.

I don't think I can betray DS'a confidence by telling them but it's very awkward.

I feel very conflicted.

Thinking I'm asking for sympathy rather than advice.

Agree with cotton. It’s not normal for a teen to do this. Mine have very different personalities but you’d need water boarding and thumb screws before they told me what their mates got up to.

Sorry but the dramatics about “safe words” and big made up shouting matches as cover for being picked up are ridiculous! Your kid can just ring you normally and ask to be picked up! No one else cares. Honestly the drama!

Based on my own teenage years I think policies like this are great - teens can often find themselves in situations where their good sense says ‘leave, this is dangerous’ but their overriding desire to want to fit in and not seem like a wimp, or to not get in trouble with their parents has them stay.
Having this kind of system means a) you’ve had a conversation where you’ve acknowledged that sometimes things get out of hand or people make errors of judgement, but safety first and you will not punish them for realising things have gone to far and needing help to get out and b) they have a way to leave their friends while protecting their ‘reputation’
Maybe they never use it, and it’s wonderful if they always have the courage to stand on their convictions, but teenage years are challenging and teenage brains are not fully developed so good communication and the offer of a helping hand if necessary is no bad thing.

'Not normal' feels a bit of a stretch.

There are reasons why we are very close and I've worked hard to make sure he can discuss things with me.

I've told him that I'm happy to distinguish between 'privacy' and 'health and safety' things he is concerned about.

He doesn't tell me much about girls for example.

Yeah, when I was a teen I used this tactic to make my parents think I wasn’t doing the same as the rest of the kids. Although actually it was very short phase and then I was actually quite a good kid and the grassing up was genuine concern for my friends who were getting quite wild.

So definitely something to bear in mind…

I use this with my daughter. No questions asked, sometimes she just wants to leave and doesn't want to piss anyone off. Other times the other kids have been vaping and she doesn't want any part of it (is what she tells me anyway!) I think it's a good thing, I'd have liked it as a teen.

Sorry that was in relation to the safe word / cover story.

Dd2 rang Dh last summer to say her and her best friend felt uncomfortable as inexplicably another friends mum had allowed a mixed sex sleepover for 14 year olds 🙄. Never seen a man move so fast!

I agree with other posters. Stay out of it unless he's in danger.

Making poor choices and drinking at 15 with mates is pretty normal stuff.

It's more important that your son can confide in you. If you blow this cover then he won't.

Just develop a deaf ear 🤣

You could always start waxing lyrical about ring doorbells, this would enable the parents to see themselves who's coming and going into their home whilst they are away.

You don't have to say anything else. Just how useful they are at monitoring deliveries...

Agree ring doorbells are the death knell for teenage shenanigans. They also inform you when a teen has been sent to change out of an inappropriate outfit and left the house in jeans only to be caught by doorbell wearing said forbidden outfit on her return …

The parties can't be that bad if she hasn't heard her recycling bin rattling with a load of bottles when the binmen come. A bunch of teens in an empty house doesn't necessarily mean they're doing anything major or have big parties. It's probably just a few lads sitting around playing on consoles drinking & maybe the odd one smoking. If your friend hasn't noticed her house being trashed or things being damaged then it can't be that crazy. If I was you I'd stay out of it & not break your Sons trust. It could be she knows & isn't letting on so as not to look like the bad parent leaving her 15 year old on his own overnight.

You don't know the information shared as it was in confidence.
Don't say anything

It seems to be becoming more of an issue over the holidays, with my friend spending more time away.

I think casually discussing Ring doorbells is a good idea.

I tried bringing it up, but she just talks about how trustworthy they are.

Is your son actually at these parties?

Could you pretend that you had forgotten she was away and ring during a party - say could she grab your ds for you to speak to as he's not answering his phone. Then when she says she's not at home, feign surprise at a party happening in her absence?