DS friend lying to parents who are also my friends

[bridgertonmodiste]

DS tells me a lot about what's going on with his friends. I like that he does this.

He has a friend who is lying a lot to their parents. Parties, drinking, that sort of thing. Lying about where they are. Lying about how things got broken.

Their parents are my friends.

I don't think I can betray DS'a confidence by telling them but it's very awkward.

I feel very conflicted.

Thinking I'm asking for sympathy rather than advice.

I would also keep out of it . If they just blindly trust their 15 year old without checking in with parents I would call them bloody stupid .

I know what I was up to at 15 . I think they are quite lazy parents or completely gullible .

I would leave be myself . Your approach to helping your D’s sounds the best one .

I found out in my thirties that my friends had been telling their parents of all the mad things that I'd been upto. Things is I hadn't been badly behaved at all, I was a convenient person to blame. Maybe your son is doing the same, lol mum at that naughty boy , I wouldn't dream of doing that.

so your son goes to all theses parties and spends his time clutching his pearls?

Is your son invited to the parties? If so I think you need to say something. You can act naive, eg just checking it’s ok for your DS to go

So, according to my local CC website, it’s illegal to leave a child alone over night under the age of 16. Now if these parents are not expressly arranging for their DS’s care and supervision by a responsible adult they are breaking the law. If they were not doing so, DS could not have the parties.

That’s the issue here. They may be your friends, but if one of those parties leads to the death of one of the party goers they are criminally liable.

Not sure how I’d handle that given its a friend (and my son’s friend): not one single parent I know has or would ever do that - we’d all have arranged with another parent/adult to have them and would check in before bed that everything was okay. But if I were a neighbour, I’d be calling it in - police or social services. In your circumstances, I might call the school and ask to speak in confidence to the safeguarding lead.

(And yes, I know this sounds overly dramatic, before anyone says it - but we are talking about an unsupervised minor, left alone overnight, facilitating underaged drinking on a regular basis. If he got so drunk he choked on his vomit, there would be no-one to save his life.)

Really? I think the parents are turning a blind eye deliberately. I always knew immediately when my oldest DS had friends over when we were away (not big parties but gathering of a few friends) it was obvious. I can't believe a bunch of 15 year olds cleaned the place up so well that parents didn't notice, unless they're thick as a plank!

OP has said they believe he is staying with a friend

Your going to have to play this one very carefully as one 1 hand u don't want any one to get hurt but you also don't want your DS getting any back lash because his mum shut the parties down.

Do they think their DS is staying at your house, by any chance?

‘They believe’ - ie they have not arranged it themselves, have they? They’ve clearly left it to him to arrange? They do not have an appointed adult in charge. They are breaking the law.

No, they're not. Not anywhere in the UK at least

Yes it is. It is illegal to leave a child alone if ‘it puts them at risk of harm’ which it clearly does, if they are drinking underage and holding parties, and are in a house where they are not expected to be?

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/in-the-home/home-alone

The NSPCC guidance you have linked to is aimed at parents considering leaving younger children for the first time. Your earlier post also stated that it was illegal to leave anyone under 16 home alone overnight.

You can't just go around posting information as if it's factual when proper research would clearly show that you're wrong or have misinterpreted what you read.

I read on here a good few years ago of a parent whose child could ring them from a party they wanted to leave, and say they thought they'd left their bedroom light on.
That was the 'safety phrase' to cue parents going to pick them up.
I thought this was a brilliant idea and we started to use it too.
I only had to go and collect twice but the relief on my children's faces when I arrived, and the knowledge that I would come,, no matter what time, was absolutely worth it.

Maybe OP, set up something like this with your son so he has a way out of any shenanigans he's not comfortable with?

I've checked the Gov website and the guidance is 16, although it does only specify placing them at risk.
https://www.gov.uk/law-on-leaving-your-child-home-alone

So they are not breaking the law specifically by letting them stay by themselves.

Anyone with teenagers who are left alone at the weekend who hasn't got a Ring doorbell is an idiot!

Was about to post this - I think it is very easy to argue that they are in fact prosecutable (ie breaking the law) if they are leaving him without access or oversight of a responsible adult, are not actually aware of where he is staying (ie he is not supposed to be at home) and that he is drinking and partying with his friends on the premises. They are also directly criminally liable for any injuries or deaths to the minor he hosts in their home during that time.

The link you gave states:

Parents can be prosecuted if they leave a child unsupervised ‘in a manner likely to cause unnecessary suffering or injury to health’.

Stop splitting hairs - it pasted the wrong section and if you read on it states what is also stated above in the gov link (which quotes from it).

I am not offering legal advice, this is a chat forum - I can say what I like even if I have not highlighted the relevant part of an info link correctly. I am stating that I believe that these parents ARE liable to be investigated: “Parents can be prosecuted if they leave a child unsupervised ‘in a manner likely to cause unnecessary suffering or injury to health’”.

I have police officer friends who, if they came across a house full of drunken 15yo, and there was no adult on the premises, with none due to return until the next day, would be taking that boy to social services. They would leave it up to CPS to work out what charges might be applicable, but should any teen present be dangerously intoxicated, suffering from alcohol poisoning etc, the parents would be investigated.

Unless the other child is at risk of serious harm, I would prioritise keeping my own child's trust over informing the other parents. That open channel of communication between you and your son is the most powerful protective factor you can have; if he gets into hot water, or has mental health wobbles or trauma of any kind, the fact that he trusts you and will confide in you is gold dust. It would take a lot for me to jeopardise that.

If it was me, and the parties were at their house when they were out of town I would send them a letter ‘from the neighbours’ letting them know. It doesn’t tell them everything, and they may ignore it, but it does what you can without betraying DS confidence. If you are then asked if DS ever attends these parties you could either say ‘well he was out that night but I’m not sure where’ or ‘yes I thought you knew?’ depending on how you felt it would go down and the comeback on your DS.

We always said to my DD to just send a text saying ‘help’. I would then ring and be full on loud shouting bitch mum; ‘how dare you leave your straighteners on / not do the dishes (insert appropriate teenage misdemeanour here), ‘I’m coming to get you right now I told you this would happen you will be grounded for two weeks if you don’t get in the car when I get there’. She could be an absolute cow back, knowing I would turn up and it would be my fault she had to leave. She used it twice; I found out later one of her friends had told her parents how strict I was!

honestly, i would post them a card telling them.. then play dumb like you have no idea 😂

I'm in a similar situation. My DD's good friend is 17. Her mum is a close friend of mine and is very proud that she doesn't drink alcohol. I know very different but have chosen not to say anything. I remain silent when it's discussed!

Stay out of it is my advice.
You parent your son on how to conduct himself. Don't get involved with theirs.

Tough one, I think I would attempt to keep the lines of communication up with DS, and as long as his friend is in no danger keep it going.

If you betray confidence he may well not tel you anything in future and then his friend could get into a riskier area.

Mine are younger, I am part dreading this phase.
Not quite the same, but people who live near us are well loved in the area and well respected. They act angels with visitors or chatting to people, they do a lot locally. However, inside their house they fight like cat and dog and have language to make a sailor blush.

no one should ever presume a thing!