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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Ds friend invite when I’ve said no wwyd

90 replies

Poplolly · 02/05/2024 09:27

Ds14 has invited two friends over for today after school. It was mentioned a couple of days ago but no real discussion/decision. Late last night he asked me if he can have friends over, originally I said yes if he really must but would rather it wait till another day if possible and it was left at that.

this morning when I saw the state of his room I said no friends over as his bedroom wasn’t tidy, I’ve been asking him to tidy his room for most of the week. He said he was trying to tidy it now, I said there’s no time now you need to leave for school you’ve had plenty of time to do it. Cue argument and him slamming the door and went off to school.

my concern is that he will just turn up with his friends and expect to have them over. What would be best to do in this situation? We live rurally so it’s not like they can just walk on home. The rule has always been that if his room isn’t tidy he can’t have friends round. I know if I refuse and say I’ll have to take them home there will be a massive meltdown (he’s autistic) but at the same time I don’t want him going over my head (although I now realise maybe bad communication on my part). I’m too tired to think straight as was working late and haven’t had much sleep. Any ideas?

OP posts:
Peonies12 · 02/05/2024 09:38

I think that's a bit OTT. As long as mine don't have food/dirty dishes/rubbish in their rooms, I see it as their room and their choice.

Tatiepot · 02/05/2024 09:43

the trouble is @Poplolly, you said "if you really must", which is a green light to a kid that wants something, as it isn't "no"!

I sympathise entirely as it's a phrase I use a lot...re the bedroom if you've got that as a rule then ideally you'd stick to it, but in front of his friends...much more difficult.

I think you're going to have to roll with it today, and then maybe at the weekend he gets to tidy it perfectly. And maybe if he can keep it tidy for a bit you could relax the rule...my younger DS is very messy and I'm afraid I now think well if you're happy to take your mates in there that's up to you...but he has to remove dirty clothes from the floor as a minimum!

80schildhood · 02/05/2024 09:44

If he turns up with them then I'd not embarrass him and them by turning them away. It sounds like you didn't want them to come anyway and the room is an excuse. why didn't you initially want them over?

The other issue is why his room is so bad. If he is ND are there processing issues at play that make it challenging for him?

LemonySnickets · 02/05/2024 09:47

My DC always knew they could have friends over when they liked (within reason) provided their rooms were tidy. I knew when they would be having someone over as they'd be scrambling around with the hoover which they never normally touched! Grin

That said I may have been tempted to say 'your room, your mess...if you're happy to have your friends see it that's up to you!' The rest of the house was mostly clean and tidy.

Original poster
Poplolly · 02/05/2024 09:47

Peonies12 · 02/05/2024 09:38

I think that's a bit OTT. As long as mine don't have food/dirty dishes/rubbish in their rooms, I see it as their room and their choice.

that’s the problem… It’s not just a bit untidy, i wouldn’t mind that but there is rubbish, empty drinks cans and dirty washing all over the place. I don’t allow dishes up there, anything on a plate needs to be eaten downstairs. It’s sweet wrappers etc. I wanted to give him freedom and responsibility, but think i might have to ban food and drink in his room if he can’t manage to clear up after himself.

OP posts:
K0OLA1D · 02/05/2024 09:52

You are not being unreasonable op. Does he have a phone? I'd text him and reiterate that no friends will be coming round tonight. Or if he does just turn up with them make him tidy his room as soon as he gets in and make his friends wait downstairs until it's tidy. There is no way I'd accept it. I have this battle constantly.

Original poster
Poplolly · 02/05/2024 09:52

Thanks everyone for making me see sense. It’s not that I don’t want them round, just more notice would be nice and a proper discussion (my fault). I didn’t get home till nearly 10 and was tired so this didn’t happen. I’m just at my wits end with him not keeping on top of it when I’ve asked i guess

OP posts:
Original poster
Poplolly · 02/05/2024 09:55

K0OLA1D · 02/05/2024 09:52

You are not being unreasonable op. Does he have a phone? I'd text him and reiterate that no friends will be coming round tonight. Or if he does just turn up with them make him tidy his room as soon as he gets in and make his friends wait downstairs until it's tidy. There is no way I'd accept it. I have this battle constantly.

He doesn’t take his phone, battery is knackered i need to get him a new one.

thanks that’s a great idea to get his friends to wait whilst he has a quick tidy, I’ll do that

OP posts:
veryawkwardohno · 02/05/2024 09:56

I think especially with him being autistic you should check if his room is tidy first then give your answer, rather than answering with basically a yes and then changing your mind.
maybe also frequent reminders about tidying his room if he wants friends over etc (perhaps something like a reminder set up on his phone for the afternoon/early evening every day so he can have time to tidy if he wants friends over the next day?)

AIBunnecessary · 02/05/2024 10:01

I think and especially if they are autistic you need to be a bit clearer, had you of said yes but only if you room is clean from the get go it would be fair but the fact you've just checked this morning when he's already invited his friends over I think your being unfair and if the rooms a mess he can just be embarrassed in front of his friends or you give it a quick tidy and then get him to help you with something else round the house over the weekend in return. I think this time I would let it slide.

Lindy2 · 02/05/2024 10:01

Your son is autistic. You said yes initially without any conditions attached. My autistic DD would take that as given and wouldn't cope with a change of goalposts, particularly on the day of the event.

I'd let the friends come around but afterwards say that he does need to tidy his room before they visit again.

My DD is 15. She has no friends at all. Being autistic and managing to have good friendships is something to be very grateful for. Life is very difficult for my DD because of friendship difficulties. Help your son keep his friends.

FloofyBird · 02/05/2024 10:02

You've sent mixed messages here op I think you need to let it go. Anyway they're teens the,selves I doubt they'll take much notice of a messy room! If they do he may be more inclined to keep it tidy.

Original poster
Poplolly · 02/05/2024 10:03

Yes I should have checked first to be fair @veryawkwardohno

@80schildhood he’s appears quite lazy, although there is suspected ADHD which could be a big factor in this

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 02/05/2024 10:06

I get it OP but I don’t think teens notice; I would just let them hang out and do as I have two teenagers.

BuffaloCauliflower · 02/05/2024 10:06

You didn’t tell him no though? You said if you must, which means yes, and then you’ve back tracked. You should have said ‘no tomorrow isn’t convenient, when you’ve tidied your room you can have them round’. As someone with ADHD, I find it hard to do things until there’s a genuine ‘need’, if your son has ADHD as well knowing he wants his friends round would likely be the jump start he needs. If noones coming there’s no urgency. But in future you need to communicate more clearly with him.

Tatiepot · 02/05/2024 10:12

I would definitely not let him take food or drink upstairs if he's not bringing cans etc back down...it's one of the few rules I have, and DS understand that it's because of not wanting mice in his bedroom (we live on a farm) but the added benefit is that the worst clearing up he has to do is stinky clothes rather than grim furry plates and cups...

Original poster
Poplolly · 02/05/2024 10:13

Thank you to everyone for giving me some perspective, it’s just what I needed. Sorry to those of you I haven’t got back to but I’m taking all your comments on board and finding them helpful.

it’s obvious I should have communicated better. I do constantly remind him to tidy his room and especially before any friends come round. I think going forward we need a better routine with this. I have ADHD too so it’s like the blind leading the blind here 😂 as I’m sure those of you with it can appreciate

OP posts:
ageratum1 · 02/05/2024 10:19

You are bei g really rude to his guests!

FlameTulip · 02/05/2024 10:22

Honestly I doubt his friends will care about the untidy room OP.

spicysamosahotcupoftea · 02/05/2024 10:25

"there is rubbish, empty drinks cans and dirty washing all over the place"

Ew.

Let him invite them. Hopefully they won't want to come again (unless it's clean) because of the state of his room and you won't have to nag him to clean it ever again.

FrenchandSaunders · 02/05/2024 10:42

Your answer was vague. Given that he has autism and possible ADHD he may find keeping a tidy room a real struggle. Do you help him with it? I know he's 14 but he might need some guidance, it might seem overwhelming.

Also, why was the answer "if you must", are his friends a hassle when they are there? As a previous poster said I'd be thrilled to bits he has friends and would be encouraging it.

Comedycook · 02/05/2024 10:43

Just let him have his mates over.

MissBedelia · 02/05/2024 10:44

Just let his friends come over.

Comedycook · 02/05/2024 10:49

I doubt his friends will care too much about his room. To save his blushes, I would probably remove all rubbish, cutlery, dirty plates and laundry from his room while he's out. Then tackle keeping it reasonably tidy at another point.

Teenage boys aren't great at organising things. It's sweet he has invited them over. Don't ruin it for him.

Bumblebeeinatree · 02/05/2024 10:49

Tidy the room for him, he will probably hate that. If he complains say I can't let you have friends over with your room in that state, so in future keep it tidy.