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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Ds friend invite when I’ve said no wwyd

90 replies

Poplolly · 02/05/2024 09:27

Ds14 has invited two friends over for today after school. It was mentioned a couple of days ago but no real discussion/decision. Late last night he asked me if he can have friends over, originally I said yes if he really must but would rather it wait till another day if possible and it was left at that.

this morning when I saw the state of his room I said no friends over as his bedroom wasn’t tidy, I’ve been asking him to tidy his room for most of the week. He said he was trying to tidy it now, I said there’s no time now you need to leave for school you’ve had plenty of time to do it. Cue argument and him slamming the door and went off to school.

my concern is that he will just turn up with his friends and expect to have them over. What would be best to do in this situation? We live rurally so it’s not like they can just walk on home. The rule has always been that if his room isn’t tidy he can’t have friends round. I know if I refuse and say I’ll have to take them home there will be a massive meltdown (he’s autistic) but at the same time I don’t want him going over my head (although I now realise maybe bad communication on my part). I’m too tired to think straight as was working late and haven’t had much sleep. Any ideas?

OP posts:
MenoBabe · 02/05/2024 11:59

Poplolly · 02/05/2024 10:59

How many of you would tidy his room for him in this situation?

I’ve done this so many times already

I wouldn't tidy it, I would just ignore it. No matter how bad it was, bar really really extreme situations.

goldenretrievermum5 · 02/05/2024 12:03

If he wants his friends to see his filthy bedroom then that’s up to him - to save a bit of embarrassment I’d probably take the rubbish and dirty plates out but leave it at that. From experience the greatest motivator to get DD to clean and tidy her room was having friends round so a bit of criticism from them might actually be a good thing. It will teach him a lesson

Original poster
Poplolly · 02/05/2024 12:14

A few of you have mentioned that his friends won’t care what his rooms like and I’d love to agree with you as I thought this would be the case.

but… I overheard his friend last time he was here saying ‘ds don’t you clean your room, that is still there from last time I was here’
on this particular occasion his room was clean and tidy baring this one sweet packet that they’d shared a number of days before hand. It made me feel sad for my ds that his friend had noticed and passed comment.

this is partly why i think it’s important for him to keep his room tidy, i don’t want him to lose friends over it. I appreciate most kids aren’t like this and couldn’t care less.

OP posts:
Dareisayiseethesunshine · 02/05/2024 12:15

Having mates over should be a given yes not a hoo ha.... Unless bad behaviour obvs... An untidy teen room isn't a reason....

Singleandproud · 02/05/2024 12:19

@Poplolly haha that's quite funny really. That child clearly has to tidy his room too and sometimes a little peer pressure can be positive in behaviour change.

TheTigerWhoCameToEatMyHusband · 02/05/2024 12:20

If it's a last minute thing mine has to run upstairs and tidy up while her friends wait downstairs. It's never that bad but I don't see that as the point. I've asked her to tidy it she didn't do it when I asked so it will eat into her evening with her friends. She's 11. I'm sure lots on here will say it's not a big deal, and no it's not but I'm not going back on what I said and her think that it doesn't matter because she can have friends over anyway.

Whatifthehokeycokey · 02/05/2024 12:23

Can you tell him that his room is not fit for guests so they'll have to hang out in the living room? Or when the friends arrive, give them a drink downstairs, give him a binbag and tell him he's going to have to do a quick tidy before they can go upstairs.

Original poster
Poplolly · 02/05/2024 12:24

Singleandproud · 02/05/2024 12:19

@Poplolly haha that's quite funny really. That child clearly has to tidy his room too and sometimes a little peer pressure can be positive in behaviour change.

That’s what I thought. I bet his room is immaculate

OP posts:
Original poster
Poplolly · 02/05/2024 12:27

Whatifthehokeycokey · 02/05/2024 12:23

Can you tell him that his room is not fit for guests so they'll have to hang out in the living room? Or when the friends arrive, give them a drink downstairs, give him a binbag and tell him he's going to have to do a quick tidy before they can go upstairs.

He did actually say ‘fine then, we just won’t go in my bedroom’ 😂

OP posts:
SallyWD · 02/05/2024 12:32

If the friends come over I'd let it pass this time but I'd warn him that he can't have any friends over in future if the room is untidy. To be honest, my DD's room is a disgrace - rubbish and half eaten food lying around. I've never thought of saying she can't have friends over if it's messy. I just thought most teenagers rooms were the same. She does have to tidy it once a week for the cleaners but she does a terrible job!

DrJoanAllenby · 02/05/2024 12:35

I would make them all tidy the room with an offer of a reward! 🤷🏼‍♀️

Comedycook · 02/05/2024 12:38

SallyWD · 02/05/2024 12:32

If the friends come over I'd let it pass this time but I'd warn him that he can't have any friends over in future if the room is untidy. To be honest, my DD's room is a disgrace - rubbish and half eaten food lying around. I've never thought of saying she can't have friends over if it's messy. I just thought most teenagers rooms were the same. She does have to tidy it once a week for the cleaners but she does a terrible job!

No I don't think that's normal to be honest. I'm pretty easy going but half eaten food lying around is really grim. Surely most teens don't live like that? I can cope with some clothes on the floor and the odd thing here and there, but food debris is really not usual is it?!

RoachFish · 02/05/2024 14:18

I think it's quite normal for teenagers to live like that @SallyWD . Mine were definitely like that but now they are late teens/early 20s and are doing a much better job at keeping their places clean and tidy.

OP, I think you have found a good compromise there. I wouldn't want to withhold friends from my child ever, it's way more important than having a clean room. I get that you were trying to use that as motivation but teenagers mess up all the time and sometimes they just need to be cut some slack and maybe even be bailed out. As long as he is appreciative when you help out or cut him some slack I think you are still winning.

goldenretrievermum5 · 02/05/2024 15:24

Poplolly · 02/05/2024 12:14

A few of you have mentioned that his friends won’t care what his rooms like and I’d love to agree with you as I thought this would be the case.

but… I overheard his friend last time he was here saying ‘ds don’t you clean your room, that is still there from last time I was here’
on this particular occasion his room was clean and tidy baring this one sweet packet that they’d shared a number of days before hand. It made me feel sad for my ds that his friend had noticed and passed comment.

this is partly why i think it’s important for him to keep his room tidy, i don’t want him to lose friends over it. I appreciate most kids aren’t like this and couldn’t care less.

If they are real friends then an untidy bedroom will not tear them apart in the slightest. A bit of peer pressure will do him good - you shouldn’t feel sad about it

goldenretrievermum5 · 02/05/2024 15:25

SallyWD · 02/05/2024 12:32

If the friends come over I'd let it pass this time but I'd warn him that he can't have any friends over in future if the room is untidy. To be honest, my DD's room is a disgrace - rubbish and half eaten food lying around. I've never thought of saying she can't have friends over if it's messy. I just thought most teenagers rooms were the same. She does have to tidy it once a week for the cleaners but she does a terrible job!

Surely the thought of her friends seeing her room in that way would motivate her to tidy it though? DD’s room was (and still is) a disgrace at times but there’s no way that she’d ever let her friends see it like that

Fififizz · 02/05/2024 15:30

Get the friends to help him tidy as a condition of being allowed to stay/up there.

goldenretrievermum5 · 02/05/2024 15:42

Fififizz · 02/05/2024 15:30

Get the friends to help him tidy as a condition of being allowed to stay/up there.

That is a ridiculous idea. Why should the friends be punished for OP’s DS having a dirty room? It’s not their fault that they’ve been invited round without proper organisation

Fififizz · 02/05/2024 15:59

@goldenretrievermum5
Shouldn’t friends help each other out? I’m not suggesting an interior design project just a little support to clear a space for them all to use 🤷‍♀️

SallyWD · 02/05/2024 16:05

goldenretrievermum5 · 02/05/2024 15:25

Surely the thought of her friends seeing her room in that way would motivate her to tidy it though? DD’s room was (and still is) a disgrace at times but there’s no way that she’d ever let her friends see it like that

Edited
Show quote history

I think she feels mild shame over it but she takes her friends to the living room instead! We don't tend to use the living room until the kids are in bed so it's always free dot my DD and friends.

goldenretrievermum5 · 02/05/2024 16:49

Fififizz · 02/05/2024 15:59

@goldenretrievermum5
Shouldn’t friends help each other out? I’m not suggesting an interior design project just a little support to clear a space for them all to use 🤷‍♀️

There’s a massive difference in friends voluntarily helping out and having to tidy the room as a ‘condition’ of coming to OP’s house.

Fififizz · 02/05/2024 16:53

@goldenretrievermum5
I really don’t see the issue. OP has a problem and it’s a possible solution. 🤷‍♀️

lifesrichpageant · 05/05/2024 07:54

Just to say that in the grand scheme of the Mumsnet concerns about their teens, this is quite a minor problem?

And an teen with autism having friends over, and wanting to have friends over - is something to be grateful for.

My DS has friends into his messy room all the time. I might go in and scan for dirty underwear first but otherwise it's his problem and not mine.

I am delighted when my teens have friends around. Mess, noise, and all.

DiscoBeat · 05/05/2024 07:59

To be honest I'm the sort of person who would tidy it up for him so as not to embarrass him but next time I'd see beforehand whether he needed help - often with my teens I found they just needed help getting started as they were a bit overwhelmed with the task. DS16 is very neat and tidy now and is constantly hoovering his room!

DiscoBeat · 05/05/2024 08:04

Fififizz · 02/05/2024 15:30

Get the friends to help him tidy as a condition of being allowed to stay/up there.

OMG no!

goldenretrievermum5 · 05/05/2024 12:31

lifesrichpageant · 05/05/2024 07:54

Just to say that in the grand scheme of the Mumsnet concerns about their teens, this is quite a minor problem?

And an teen with autism having friends over, and wanting to have friends over - is something to be grateful for.

My DS has friends into his messy room all the time. I might go in and scan for dirty underwear first but otherwise it's his problem and not mine.

I am delighted when my teens have friends around. Mess, noise, and all.

It’s all relative, not sure how you think that this comment is helpful? Not every autistic child is the same and therefore it is very reasonable to have different and often higher expectations for each individual. DD is autistic, always plenty of friends round but it has always been a rule for us that her room must be clean and tidy. Yes, I am grateful that she has a good group of friends but this doesn’t mean that she should get away with living in a tip