Ds friend invite when I’ve said no wwyd

[Poplolly]

Ds14 has invited two friends over for today after school. It was mentioned a couple of days ago but no real discussion/decision. Late last night he asked me if he can have friends over, originally I said yes if he really must but would rather it wait till another day if possible and it was left at that.

this morning when I saw the state of his room I said no friends over as his bedroom wasn’t tidy, I’ve been asking him to tidy his room for most of the week. He said he was trying to tidy it now, I said there’s no time now you need to leave for school you’ve had plenty of time to do it. Cue argument and him slamming the door and went off to school.

my concern is that he will just turn up with his friends and expect to have them over. What would be best to do in this situation? We live rurally so it’s not like they can just walk on home. The rule has always been that if his room isn’t tidy he can’t have friends round. I know if I refuse and say I’ll have to take them home there will be a massive meltdown (he’s autistic) but at the same time I don’t want him going over my head (although I now realise maybe bad communication on my part). I’m too tired to think straight as was working late and haven’t had much sleep. Any ideas?

My teen son is autistic. Tbh after speaking to lots of autistic adults I've decided to leave his room largely alone. The agreement is I won't hassle him to tidy it if he keeps it generally hygienic - dirty clothes out, no used dishes etc. In reality I do have to remind him regularly but by and large we avoid all the arguments we repeatedly had. In terms of what to do today id let the friends stay. It's nice he's got a social circle and personally I wouldn't want to risk that given my son's issues around friendships. Afterwards sit down and explain this was a one off and in future it needs clear agreement beforehand. Kids are obviously different but my son would appreciate the fact I didn't change the plan last minute or embarrass him.

But if he's invited them have you thought about the inconvenience it could cause their parents if plans change. Maybe they have made arrangements around their sons being out for a while. You should allow it this time and lay down some ground rules for the future

Considering that this was happening last week I think that OP may have sorted it out by now..

My mum always nagged and nagged about my room and I hated it. Fast forward to when I had teens - house rules - no food and drink in bedrooms, anything that wasn't in the laundry basket in the bathroom did not get washed and anything else was up to them!! I simply shut the doors so I didn't need to see it!! Drove my MIL & DM mad - kids and me loved it!! It really is not worth you getting her up about it!! Just be glad he wants his mates over to his home!!

I was going to say exactly the same. My DS (16) has struggled with friendships all his life, I'm always thrilled if he has anyone round (though he rarely seems to get invited back unless we Mums organise it.....🙁).

Maybe banning sweets and drinks in the room is a good way forward - then at least it's not unhygienic (apart from the dirty washing...🙂). Funnily my DS keeps his room very tidy - it's NT DD who is a complete slob, but I do my best to turn a blind eye.

You said yes.

Punishing all his friends and backing out last minute is going to put you firmly in the wrong.

You should have made it clear earlier that he is tidy room or not have friends over.

Then you’re very out of line. Everyone who’s anything about adhd knows that this sort of thing is an issue. He needs support not impulsive inconsistent punishments.

ADHD not autism.

Autistic as OP said in first post. Suspected ADHD in follow up.

Nah I’d make the friends sit on the sofa whilst he quickly tidies his room.
Otherwise, what’s to stop him doing it again and again.
Be the embarrassing Mum once and it won’t happen again.

I would let him have them over this time. You probably should have been clearer when he originally asked. It either should have been a flat out ‘no’ because it’s short notice and his room is a mess or a ‘yes- if you manage to tidy your room either tonight or tomorrow morning and I’m happy with it before you leave’. I would let him, but you could make him tidy it before they go upstairs. And I would be saying to him later ‘you brought your friends over even although you knew the rule is that the room has to be tidy. Don’t do that again, or I WILL be embarrassing you and taking them home or calling their parents to collect them’.

What does it matter? Real friends won't care. Yabu

Absolutely ban food and drink in his room. Most teens cannot be trusted with this.

Whether they care or not is irrelevant, it is disrespectful and unfair to invite people over to sit in a dirty, untidy room. Unhygienic and unpleasant.

My daughter was a dirty madam. I had to choose my battles carefully, rather her be in albeit in a dirty room with her friends than out looking for company. She is a woman now,her friends still come round. They talk about fun times here and never mention the untidy bedroom.
I do make a heck of a mess though when I go to visit her pristine home, gotta pay back 😅