Ds friend invite when I’ve said no wwyd

[Poplolly]

Ds14 has invited two friends over for today after school. It was mentioned a couple of days ago but no real discussion/decision. Late last night he asked me if he can have friends over, originally I said yes if he really must but would rather it wait till another day if possible and it was left at that.

this morning when I saw the state of his room I said no friends over as his bedroom wasn’t tidy, I’ve been asking him to tidy his room for most of the week. He said he was trying to tidy it now, I said there’s no time now you need to leave for school you’ve had plenty of time to do it. Cue argument and him slamming the door and went off to school.

my concern is that he will just turn up with his friends and expect to have them over. What would be best to do in this situation? We live rurally so it’s not like they can just walk on home. The rule has always been that if his room isn’t tidy he can’t have friends round. I know if I refuse and say I’ll have to take them home there will be a massive meltdown (he’s autistic) but at the same time I don’t want him going over my head (although I now realise maybe bad communication on my part). I’m too tired to think straight as was working late and haven’t had much sleep. Any ideas?

You gave an unconditional yes, and then once it was too late for him to do anything about it you changed it to a no based on a condition you didn't mention before.

I think you should let the friends come round.

@FrenchandSaunders when I said if you must I meant it in the context of if it must be today as I didn’t want him to let his friends down if he’d already arranged it. Although would prefer if he’d ask me first. His friends are no trouble, they are lovely and I always try to encourage them hanging out

At his age I never asked permission to have friends over after school and neither did my friends. I think you're being a bit OTT.

How many of you would tidy his room for him in this situation?

I’ve done this so many times already

Tbh I would tidy his room (this time) not ideal I know. Then I would stop the eating and drinking in his room going forward. I honestly don't think teenagers see mess. The floor is for dirty clothes not the washing basket that could be cm's away from said items...... All you can do is keep on repeating and be a broken record (I feel like one daily) that washing goes in the washing basket, rubbish in the bin etc etc and hope it sinks in.

Have whatever consequences you need but none of that will help today. I would start afresh and do a quick tidy just for your peace of mind.

Good luck :)

You need to work on your boundaries.

Just set a rule going forwards that no arrangements can be made without x amount of notice (this depends on your family situation - every home is different) and on the basis the standards around the room (again personal to each family) are met. Enforce the boundary.

House rules are fine. There's a wide range of 'reasonable' and every family is a bit different.

Clear yes or no is very important. If you are vague, you are to blame for any confsion that follows.

Hell would freeze over first.

This will be the last time.

You are to blame for the confusion so make it work this time. Then enforce clear boundaries going forwards.

I would, only because he's got friends coming over and things like that are often a big deal for teens.

Moving forward....you need a plan to help him keep his room clean. If he must eat and drink in his room, give him a tray and all plates, cutlery go on that tray and he brings it downstairs before bedtime . Try to make it part of his routine. Silly question but does he have a bin? I assume so. A laundry basket? Again I assume so. What else is messy? School work? A big storage box for school work and stationery tends to keep things under control.

I consider this unusual, all my friendship group had to ask. I myself had to ask unless I knew my parents were out, because they may have had plans.

Hell no, never in a million years.

Leave his room his issue if he not embarrassed

Heavens don't. And if you really want to scare him out of a repeat performance... joint tidying session with friends helping?

By that age, their rooms were their business.

Yes, they did get in a state, and occasionally in a school holiday I would help clear up - really just by suggesting what needed doing next.

If they wanted friends over, and didn't mind them seeing their room in the state it was, so be it.

He is 14 and autistic. I’ve got one just like it. You really have to be very very clear. When he mentioned it the other night your answer should have been, “If the room is tidy. Go and tidy your room now and then I will say yes. If you don’t tidy it now then the answer is no. Do you want help tidying? Let’s go do it now.”

You can’t be wishy washy. Go tidy his room for him this one time, and work on your communication and expectations with him.

Did you live rurally? I do. It means the kids need a lift home as they can’t walk, so yeah… they need to ask. To make sure someone can get them home.

An untidy room really is normal for teenagers. I just didn’t worry about it unless it was becoming unhygienic. Pick your battles.
My children used to have friends over after school m watching TV ,XBox etc. It really wasn’t a problem 🤷‍♀️

I think as they get older part of the learning responsibility is parents letting go and them tidying or not (although obviously no half eaten food that might attract vermin). My first thought was the same as a pp, be glad he has friends who want to come over. And if they want to spend time at your house at least you know where he is.

Bet you anything he’ll tidy up when his friends start commenting on the state of his room! His mess, his mortification. Leave him to it 🙂

I just had a genius idea…. Ok so I’ve scooped everything up and put it in my room. That way it is tidy enough for his friends to come round should he bring them back and he still has the responsibility of tidying his own mess once they’ve gone. Although not what everyone would do, this for me seems like a fair compromise.

Will be followed by yet another discussion about how this will be the last time 😂

plus me getting my arse in gear about being consistent as a large part of this is my own doing. But hey, we all make mistakes

Sounds like a fair compromise!

Honestly, having read so many posts here where parents are worried because their autistic DC have no friends, I’d just be delighted that he has friends that want to visit. And teenage boys won’t notice or care about the state of his room.

I think that's a good solution as it stops you feeling you are doing all the work.

Every parent has to work out their own rules and boundaries.

Completely ridiculous extremes at both ends of the permissive/restrictive scale are wrong, but I can see that in home A a rule where 'you can have a friend over any night Monday-Friday without asking and the only rule on bedrooms is no plates/laundry/food left lying about' is OK, but also this from house B is OK 'in our house I need you to give me a day's notice for having friends round and we keep rooms to x standard when there are visitors'.

What really matters is being clear, consistent and accepting your kids may not always like your rules.

Respecting kids and teaching them to respect you is the main thing rather than the detail of the house rules.

I would tidy DDs room for her today as it was a miscommunication on both parts. I might not dust and hoover but get rid of crockery/rubbish and dirty clothes.
Then at the weekend have a discussion on how we could approach things better in future.

DD is also autistic she is incredibly academic and appears very, very able and it is incredibly infuriating when she cannot do seemingly very simple, routine tasks - but that's the autism. She is happy to do chores and never complains but HAS to have them written down otherwise she'll forget/not see the mess. So instead of nagging that's what I did.

We have a list of tasks on laminated paper for different things so 'Tidy bedroom' has:
Pick dirty clothes up and put in laundry basket
Put rubbish in bin
Take full bin bag to outdoor/kitchen bin
Take crockery to kitchen
Clear surfaces
Wipe all surfaces and ornaments with duster...
If only certain jobs need doing Ill asterisks which ones if not she does them all. She can tick off the jobs as she does them and wipe the laminate clean for next time

The Goblin Tools website has a great tool for breaking down tasks

Adjusting how I talk to her was also one of the biggest changes to my parenting I had to make. Either a Yes or a No, no waffly 'if you must...' etc because she doesn't get the in-between the lines bit that suggests I really don't want to.

Exactly. It's only untidiness, why be so strict?