14 year old won't leave the house

[kimthomasandaimee]

My fourteen year old daughter will hardly ever leave the house. It has been over one year now since she has gone to school. When she used to go, the school would phone within the first half an hour and ask me to collect her because she was too stressed/upset/anxious.

And so she spends most of her time just sat in her bedroom looking at her phone, iPad or computer. Currently, she has unrestricted access to these and generally stays up until the early hours of the morning before being able to sleep. When I try and implement a bedtime or take her devices away, at 10.00pm for example, she threatens to kill herself. I cannot tell how serious she is although we saw a family therapist recently who did not believe she was serious in the threats but it's impossible to tell after a single hour long session. I hope its just emotional manipulation and not genuine but it makes me so fearful for her safety that I just give in and let her stay up as late as she wants and keep all her things.

She used to be able to do everything for herself, functioned really well, high-achiever at school but in the last couple of years everything has fallen apart.

Now she is low mood, no energy, tells me she is tired all the time. She is apathetic and has no interests. She does not want to go anywhere or do anything. I have suggested every outing I can think of. We are supposed to be going on holiday in May and she is currently refusing to go.

Almost all self-care has stopped. If I do not constantly remind her she will not brush her teeth, drink water or eat food. She wears the same outfit all the time and doesn't like me cleaning her room or changing the sheets on her bed.

Today, for the first time in months I got her to go to the gym with me. We were there for ten minutes, she wouldn't use any of the equipment - just stood next to what I was using and then wanted to leave so I took her home again as she was getting upset.

I just don't know what to do. We have seen various therapists and none of them really seem to know how to help motivate her. CAMHS don't want to know.

I feel really lost and isolated with this as I now spend the majority of my time at home as well making sure that she is ok. I don't know whether to enforce a bedtime, force her to go out of the house when she doesn't want to. I can't remember the last time I saw her happy. I just can't believe how much she has changed.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

I'm sorry you are going through this. This sound incredibly hard. However Ithink you probably need to give het and implement a full technology detox. Her world is the phone and whoever she is connected too. If you can afford private care there are clinics that can support. Good luck.

I completely agree with PP. a screen detox will be incredibly difficult but the most beneficial thing for your daughter.

The first thing to do is to check what she has been accessing online. Your DD is completely controlling you with the threats of harm. And because you’re naturally anxious about her carrying out those threats, you’re afraid to challenge her. Removing her tech is really the only solution in the long term.

My guess would be something has happened on the tech. And I would be taking it all away.

I'd pause and get professional advice before removing the tech. I agree with a full investigation into what she's been accessing though.

Are you on a CAMHS waiting list? Are you regularly visiting the GP? What is happening re. school, is she still registered?

I think if she went to the gym at all that is huge, if she really doesn't go out ordinarily, I'd have been very positive about that. Next time let her stand next to the equipment and just be encouraging.

Have you rung Young Minds? They can at least give you someone to speak to.

She will be feeling utterly crap, as she's not living healthily at all, there will be lots of resistance as a result.

I think the first two priorities are a) check nothing hideous is happening online and b) get you some support so you feel less alone with it.

First find out what's been happening on the tech- take one and mine it for all search history etc. then when you know she's not being blackmailed for nudies with threats of death to you all etc take them away and full detox.
Straight detox might create more anxiety and give her reasons to blackmail you unless you're sure there's nothing scary happening.
Get advice wherever you can. Give her loads of other wholesome replacement activities- find books she'd like, maybe read the same one so you can talk about it, watch wholesome tv together, go for walks- with music on if she needs it, try cinema, any sports as she builds up confidence etc.
good luck xxx

Firstly I'm sorry your going through this.

I am not sure why everyone is focusing on the tech here. I would say she is very clearly depressed. You say CAMHS don't want to know, what have they said? She seems to very clearly have signs of a mental health issue.

Because the red flags are there in the OPs post. Teens accessing the internet 24/7 has been shown to have a massive psychological impact on their mental well-being. Try reading up about Brianna Ghey and the teens who killed Brianna. Yes, that’s an extreme example, but as a teacher I see daily the impact that tech has on young people’s lives, from online bullying to accessing porn to encouraging viewers to self harm. It’s a real vipers nest out there online.

I’m so sorry to read this OP, your daughter sounds in a very dark place, please call the doctor. Hope things improve soon

I'd be wondering about the usual things first that might have created issues with her;

• is she being bullied?
• is there an issue with anxiety that has ramped up/ been exacerbated by something?
• is she experiencing set backs academically?
• if she is wanting to control her immediate environment, are there issues elsewhere where she feels she has little to no control?
• are there factors at home? A loss, a change, a family dynamic?

If nothing really chimes and it's very difficult to pinpoint the actual reason then age 14 is a common age for 'the wheels to fall off' and symptoms of ND to emerge. There are hormonal changes and environmental factors that make it much much more difficult to mask. It is always worth considering even if it feels unlikely.

There are helpful forums such as Not Fine In School on fb where parents discuss similar situations of children facing major issues with social withdrawal. Look up the term Hikikomori. Look up Dr Naomi Fisher for excellent resources/ webinars and helpful advice. Also look at www.letsalltalkmentalhealth.co.uk for the excellent webinars on various topics (small fee required).

Lastly, you aren't alone in dealing with a teen who has enormous overwhelm. That you are thinking of ways to help shows what a caring and supportive parent you are. The modern world is very very tough on our young people.

Best of luck.

This was my daughter last year, she has since been diagnosed with ASD. Secondary school was just too overwhelming for her, I never even considered autism until a private counsellor suggested she needed an assessment.
It is missed so much in girls because of how they mask.
Sending hugs to you, you sound like a great Mum. I understand how stressful it is.

hi - I have a child with MH problems and who is autistic so firstly - I get it - and I know a lot of kids who struggle to leave the house.

BUT - this IS about tech. Of course being on a phone night and day leads to depression, low mood, anxiety.

Op - you have to remove the devices/ tech - or she isn't going to recover. That doesn't mean that separately she has mental healht issues or that there aren't underlying issues.

But if an adult spent 24 hours a day glued to a phonoe in bed - however healthy they were to begin with they would be totally miserable and unhealthy pretty quickly.

Can you afford a family therapist - someone who is a clinical psychologist and extremely experienced with young people/ helping families like yours?

You can self refer to social services early help in your area

Op, this is hard but yes you have to remove the screens - but I would get some support in place around you with real understanding.

Don't bother waiting for cahms.

In my experience CAMHS were completely useless so I'm not convinced they will help.

Yes the tech is an issue but it's not as easy as just saying remove it and it will be fine. My daughter is autistic and uses tech to self soothe which is quite common in autism. I think it might be easier to start trying to get her to go to sleep earlier and get her back to a more normal sleep pattern. Once she's up and about at the same time as you she may find it easier to cut back on tech.

My DD hasnt been in school for a year and barely leaves the house so I feel your pain. I think you do need to start getting out yourself a bit more - you need a bit of space. i leave DD on her own every day, even if its just that i take a book to a cafe.

it sounds like going to the gym was a huge achievement for her - if shes not been out much it will have felt frightening.

all i can say is that its hard and we are on baby steps back to 'normal'

Sounds a very similar story to me as a teen (recently found out I'm ND) and a few other autistic teens I know of. I've read there is a correlation between neurodivergence and iron (or general vitamin) deficiency too so might be worth getting her iron levels checked.

Otherwise, devices need to go.

Has she had a blood test? There might be a physical cause. (Sorry if this seems obvious but you only mention psychotherapy so I thought worth mentioning. Ime doctors don't always connect up the physical and the mental as well as they should.)

Exactly.

We found out that my DD was acutely anaemic when we went to the Drs about her mental health. A course of very strong Iron tablets and she seems a million times better.

Screentime can be a coping mechanism, the only source of "relaxation" or dissociation, or dopamine, for neurodivergent people. Ripping away someone's crutch can indeed act like cutting off a lifeline, and is very short sighted. First you'd want to find out the underlying issues. When you start to treat them and help her develop other solutions, she'll naturally increase healthy behaviours and depend on screens less.

Have you chatted about what she enjoys online? Do you share any of that together?

Please don't take the screen away as others have suggested. She is using it as a coping mechanism - going cold turkey makes no sense.
My daughter spends a lot of time in her room - was diagnosed as inattentive ADHD although we now think also autistic - she's very good at masking but finds it exhausting. She is so good at masking it took us a while to convince the school to participate in her assessment but it was a teacher who knew her for years who filled in the forms and whose answers contributed significantly to her diagnosis.
The wheels tend to come off about this age for neurodiverse teens - the varying timetables of high school, the complicated friendship groups social cues, the hormones...
I also second a blood test - my daughter ended up having an iron infusion. If you have not already make sure she gets vit D as being in her room she would not be getting enough sunlight and low vit D in itself can lead to depression.

She needs to visit a Dr for blood tests to rule out anything physical. Then you can both concentrate on the mental side. Do not dismiss medication it can help a lot of people.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, it sounds Incredibly stressful for you. I think you know that all the tech isn't helping but I understand your anxiety around removing it. You need a plan. We have family link on devices which means I can control the apps the children use and how long they use them for, although it's far from perfect. In your position I wouldn't try and change too much too fast. I would say that the tech is going off at 10 but you'd like to watch Bake Off (or similar) together. This may mean a very late night for you but I'd do that until it's established that tech is going off and that's not negotiable. The first few nights will be rough but if you're with her she will be safe.

This is going to sound really awful, but I think you do need to start being the adult here.

She is a child who is clearly not equipped to run her own life and she needs some clear direction on very basic things about how you have to function in a society.

By concentrating on pathologising this, I don’t think you are helping her. I think you and your dh/ her father, need to be clear about what behaviour is acceptable when it comes to phones, cleanliness, eating, general participation in life. You are the adults.

I am ND as are 3 of my children. It sounds like she might have ASD and possibly Pathological Demand Avoidance

In my experience the screens will have tipped into a point of damage. Mine would all permanently be stuck to their screens if I let them. We had to go cold turkey with DS during lockdown as he was refusing to do anything else. It was painful at first but the improvement in his mental health was extraordinary. Do it not as a punishment but as a way to help. Explain that the screens are making her feel worse and she is addicted to them but like all addictions she won't recognise that and will be scared to be without them. Maybe start off with a reasonable cut off of 9pm and say after that she can stay up but can read or draw or whatever but no screens.
Talk about it a few days before you are going to do it and make it into a positive thing. The effect of screens is not properly understood but it's very clear in my family that they exacerbate the issues my DCs have. Especially my eldest who has ASD and ADHD. We know as adults phones are hard to put down so how we expect children, especially ND children to be able to manage with them I don't know.

You need to restrict her access to tech. My sd was like this especially at mums, less so here because there were two adults to back each other up so I'm in no way blaming her mum it was difficult. And she too threatened suicide at mums, never here as we'd just remove it anyway and tag team watching her.
Turns out she was part of a grooming gang. Now as a young adult sees this as normal, they are her family not us, is addicted to extreme and horrific porn, has no relationship with anyone other than the multiple men online and doesn't really leave her room. Most of it we've since learnt went on at night.

Omg 😱

I have to say the wheels tend to fall off the ones who are left to their own devices. My DCs have lots of ND friends and the ones who are suffering the most are the ones who let them have unlimited access to screens at a young age which has got worse in teenage years. The ones who were strict have children who tend to be able to engage in othe activity too. We did quite a bit of homeschooling (due to school refusal) so spent a lot of time around other families and have seen this first hand.
Screens can be good for regulating to a point (I have ADHD and getting "flow" can help) but when over relied on they start actually causing issues. You need lots of different techniques and use them at different times.
We use sport (running, swimming, football and walking most popular). Art (drawing, painting and ceramics), cooking for fun. Playing games like solitaire. We also do yoga Nidra, breathing techniques and mindfulness. These all take time to do and introduce but have changed our family life for the better.
OP I would also go through CAHMS as a diagnosis can open doors especially educationally.