14 year old won't leave the house

[kimthomasandaimee]

My fourteen year old daughter will hardly ever leave the house. It has been over one year now since she has gone to school. When she used to go, the school would phone within the first half an hour and ask me to collect her because she was too stressed/upset/anxious.

And so she spends most of her time just sat in her bedroom looking at her phone, iPad or computer. Currently, she has unrestricted access to these and generally stays up until the early hours of the morning before being able to sleep. When I try and implement a bedtime or take her devices away, at 10.00pm for example, she threatens to kill herself. I cannot tell how serious she is although we saw a family therapist recently who did not believe she was serious in the threats but it's impossible to tell after a single hour long session. I hope its just emotional manipulation and not genuine but it makes me so fearful for her safety that I just give in and let her stay up as late as she wants and keep all her things.

She used to be able to do everything for herself, functioned really well, high-achiever at school but in the last couple of years everything has fallen apart.

Now she is low mood, no energy, tells me she is tired all the time. She is apathetic and has no interests. She does not want to go anywhere or do anything. I have suggested every outing I can think of. We are supposed to be going on holiday in May and she is currently refusing to go.

Almost all self-care has stopped. If I do not constantly remind her she will not brush her teeth, drink water or eat food. She wears the same outfit all the time and doesn't like me cleaning her room or changing the sheets on her bed.

Today, for the first time in months I got her to go to the gym with me. We were there for ten minutes, she wouldn't use any of the equipment - just stood next to what I was using and then wanted to leave so I took her home again as she was getting upset.

I just don't know what to do. We have seen various therapists and none of them really seem to know how to help motivate her. CAMHS don't want to know.

I feel really lost and isolated with this as I now spend the majority of my time at home as well making sure that she is ok. I don't know whether to enforce a bedtime, force her to go out of the house when she doesn't want to. I can't remember the last time I saw her happy. I just can't believe how much she has changed.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

I agree it's deeply unhealthy. But I have also been depressed and understand that can mean someone has little capacity to do anything other than lie in bed scrolling a phone. It's a bit of a catch 22 situation by the sounds of it and it needs expert advice and careful handling rather than people jumping to conclusions online.

I agree.

This is pretty much what I did when depressed.

With my therapist I limited social media and then made sure I did a tiny task every day.

Initially these should be very very small - brush teeth or have a shower (not both!) Then the following day you have a sense of achievement, not 'I did nothing and am useless '.

The tasks slowly build up until you are going outside every day, then going in a shop and so on.

But social media has to go, it's completely toxic and I was amazed I didn't miss it.

I agree with goals. Small steps. Try and walk a bit. Or read a bit. Or draw. Listen to
music.

I think don't underestimate the addiction to screens. It's easier for her then going out and living in the real world.

I'm afraid for me on the first day of school refusal, I'd have removed all tech.

Try camhs again. If they refuse make a complaint to pals. She needs someone to be sure there's no underlying cause. That could be a mental health issue or something else but it really does need checking. I have two that were very similar, especially daughter. But they are both autistic which I'm not saying is the cause but should be considered as anxiety, low mood, school refusal are so common with autistic girls who mask so well....till they don't.

Going to the gym is amazing for someone so low, actually using a machine would be overwhelming for her.

As she is 14 unfortunately you need to keep plugging away at reminding her about personal hygiene. But she needs a bedtime where the router goes off and to be outdoors each day - even just a walk down the street or putting the bins out.

Along side that though, the internet was in its infancy. I have 2 DDs, the youngest is 28. Neither of them, nor their friends, had personal devices. Internet access was limited to the family PC in the corner of the sitting room. There’s a direct correlation between internet use and mental health issues in teens.

'looking at her phone, iPad or computer. Currently, she has unrestricted access to these and generally stays up until the early hours of the morning before being able to sleep. When I try and implement a bedtime or take her devices away, at 10.00pm for example, she threatens to kill herself.'

This is horrendous.

You have to take them from her. The threats are emotional blackmail.

Be strong and stop giving in and pandering to her.

The brain recovers in its own time? Honestly, "sitting it out" to me sounds like a pathologized route of just growing up.

Teenage years are some of the hardest of our lives - you are going to have bouts of depression, anxiety and worry - that is part of the game unfortunately.

Removing children from the normal stresses and strains of life and labelling them as having some 'bad brain' is just a terrible shame for them. Help them navigate issues by all means, but removing them totally from these stresses and strains is a road to hell. Not being in school for a year is genuinely life changing, in a very bad way. It might suit the school, but it certainly won't be looked back with fondness for that child when they are grown up and looking back at what happened to them when they were told there was something wrong with them, excluded from normal life and actually all along it was just a normal teenage experience.

Not being able to sleep until later is another ND sign.

Managed to pull Dd back from 4.00 am until 1.00 am. Wake her 5 minutes earlier each week.

Taking away the only thing that’s making her happy sounds like a really bad idea.

Im so sorry you’re going through this. I assume you’ve spoke to GP?

But it's not making her happy. It's enabling her to escape the real world.

It’s not the answer.

I totally agree. It is obvious that OP needs to start gently putting routines in place and working slowly to getting her out of the house every day and ultimately back into school.
Any teenager I have seen left to live like this, and I have known a few, end up as an adult with mental health problems, not working and little social life.
Problems do not magically resolve themselves because you sit it out. You need to work with support to resolve issues.

You know what?

l’ll take my advice from pyschologist, psychiatrist and educational psychologist rather than some random person who know fuck all about ND burnout.

Do you not think we tried your great ideas in the first place? Yeah they worked great. Which is why she’s in this mess.

Why the fuck do you think we have an EHCP? Because she’s so well enough to access education. She’s also on full PIP. Stop talking shite at me.

FFS🙄

It’s a sign of depression.

No one - including me - can diagnose whether the OP's DD is ND or depressed or anything else over the internet, but in response to the question How did people cope and self soothe 20 years ago?
Got pissed.
Took drugs.
Sniffed glue/aerosols.
Watched TV/played on computers.

Or didn't cope at all.

Indeed. Loads of people on this thread clearly know the square root of fuck all about it.

Are you on Not Fine in School on Facebook or anything like that, @kimthomasandaimee OP? There are lots of parents in the same position. It was just a comfort knowing that there are so many others out there.

If private help is something you could afford, I would really look into that. Your DD may benefit from counselling, ADHD medication and anti-depressants, and/or anti-anxiety medication. I would also follow Dr Naomi Fisher on Facebook, LinkedIn etc, and her webinars are reasonably priced.

Thank you everyone for the replies and advice.

I will take some time to read through them all and try and work out which advice might work the best for us.

I probably should have mentioned in the original post that we are having her tested privately for ADD/ADHD in the next few weeks so hopefully that might provide further answers on how to best help her as well.

I think I was just feeling incredibly lonely when I wrote the post. I don't really have anyone to talk to about all this generally.

Join the Ebsa thread. Lots of us on there with struggling teens.

Also my ASd daughter was recently diagnosed ADHD and meds have transformed her anxiety.

And some kids do manage to recover and get on with education and work when their brains have had time to sort itself out and do things in their own time.

DD2 is doing home schooling now and will hopefully take her Maths, English and Biology GCSEs next year having missed so much school since she turned 11 (in 2020 - aargh). Then hopefully onto college to do more GCSEs or a Level 2 course. Hope she will be able to get a part time job too.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5003192-the-ebsa-support-thread-emotionally-based-school-avoidanceabsence?page=13&reply=134082245

Mines recovering. She crashed at 16 in 6th form. The usual age is 14-15. We were delayed due to Covid.

She’s stated a ND 6th form. Everything is very quiet and bespoke. And goes at her pace. So she likes it. Unlike school which traumatised her.

I agree as a parent of a child with serious mental health issues. So much more to it than tech.
She sounds burnt out.

I recommend the book Partnering not parenting by Suzanne there is also a super supportive facebook group to go with it.

I have an autistic child and i often hear the argument that screens....with barely any limits...are soothing and helpful

Do people think abiut the billions of pounds behind these apps? They are deliberately designed to be addictive.

Tik tok videos are garbage for the mind designed by capitalists with no interest in child mental health

Neurodiverse children can survive and thrive without spending every waking minute on addictive apps.

And they can also still be addicted in a harmful way if they are ND !