14 year old won't leave the house

[kimthomasandaimee]

My fourteen year old daughter will hardly ever leave the house. It has been over one year now since she has gone to school. When she used to go, the school would phone within the first half an hour and ask me to collect her because she was too stressed/upset/anxious.

And so she spends most of her time just sat in her bedroom looking at her phone, iPad or computer. Currently, she has unrestricted access to these and generally stays up until the early hours of the morning before being able to sleep. When I try and implement a bedtime or take her devices away, at 10.00pm for example, she threatens to kill herself. I cannot tell how serious she is although we saw a family therapist recently who did not believe she was serious in the threats but it's impossible to tell after a single hour long session. I hope its just emotional manipulation and not genuine but it makes me so fearful for her safety that I just give in and let her stay up as late as she wants and keep all her things.

She used to be able to do everything for herself, functioned really well, high-achiever at school but in the last couple of years everything has fallen apart.

Now she is low mood, no energy, tells me she is tired all the time. She is apathetic and has no interests. She does not want to go anywhere or do anything. I have suggested every outing I can think of. We are supposed to be going on holiday in May and she is currently refusing to go.

Almost all self-care has stopped. If I do not constantly remind her she will not brush her teeth, drink water or eat food. She wears the same outfit all the time and doesn't like me cleaning her room or changing the sheets on her bed.

Today, for the first time in months I got her to go to the gym with me. We were there for ten minutes, she wouldn't use any of the equipment - just stood next to what I was using and then wanted to leave so I took her home again as she was getting upset.

I just don't know what to do. We have seen various therapists and none of them really seem to know how to help motivate her. CAMHS don't want to know.

I feel really lost and isolated with this as I now spend the majority of my time at home as well making sure that she is ok. I don't know whether to enforce a bedtime, force her to go out of the house when she doesn't want to. I can't remember the last time I saw her happy. I just can't believe how much she has changed.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

And they can use them a lot too without any adverse effects.

For some ND’s they are soothing and help regulation.

All ND children are different.

of course - and all children/ people are different. But I really do believe there is a danger of not noticing the severe harm posed by a lot of apps/ websites to young people - that's as a society not just ND parents etc. (and I work in this area. ie. online harm so I see the darker side)

also all this talk of 'screens' without differentiating what a child or teenager is actually doing. Are they gaming/ chatting to friends/ to strangers? Are they just watching disney movies all day/ or are they on tik tok for 9 hours being exposed to adult themed content?

We have to ask, to consider the difference each will have on a young persons developing brain.

My first thought on reading your op was autistic burnout. Have you had a read about autism in girls to see if any of it fits?

The suggestion of a strict routine, waking with lights on at 7am etc is absolute hell for a ND person. Please don't do that to her, it could be incredibly overstimulating and the overwhelm from taking away any sense of security in a safe environment that she was coping in could be catastrophic.

There is a way to move to a healthier rhythm without forcing that. When in ND burnout, it has to be gentle, supported and slow.

This! And we are suffering as family due to the darker side.
The behaviour matches that of my sd and I wouldn't want anyone to go through what we have been recently. There's so little support and help once they are sucked into something as horrific as our experience. Wish we'd had some insight at 14 and restricted her internet access

Of course to some extent but it also getting rid of them isn't the miracle cure that people would believe. There is a happy medium.
A phone has saved my childs life and ahe is now starting to come out of the other side.

Has she seen the doctor to see if depression is the issue?
Just from what you have said,(and l am aware l may not know the full story)
l would turn off the internet at 10pm until 8am each day, as an absolute minimum, and give her the option of sitting with you/watching tv if she cannot sleep....boredom may encourage her to talk to you, play a game, read, draw or sleep...all of which are better than being alone with the horrors of the internet in her room.

I would also turn it off for increasing hours during the day, again boredom will encourage conversation.....

It is easier to shut off the wifi than to physically take her devices, plus she cannot look for other devices. If you find it too hard just say there is an issue the first night so she doesn't blame you. Be prepared for the shouting and threats.

Are you home schooling / she is completing some kind of education during the day ? You need to start this is not as otherwise she will be falling behind and she is coming up to the age of doing exams etc.

Does she have contact with any school friends or are their any cousins or family friends of a similar age you could invite around to hang out with her a little ?

@kimthomasandaimee
sorry to read your your post. And you are being a fabulous mum it’s just so hard to know what to do for the best, I’ve been there with both my daughters. Both dropped out of school at 12/13 and really struggled to leave the house for a year or so. It’s the age when young people tend to get that overwhelm and as we saw in the news this week 20% of UK young people are missing school, double since Covid. May I also say 14-16 seems to be the most difficult time, to give you a glimmer of hope my eldest daughter managed to go complete GCSEs at an EOTAS school and is now at uni! So there is hope. Both my girls were late diagnosed with AdHD and autism. I had to go private for speed.

its impossible to advise as we don’t know your daughter but I can tell you what is working a little for my 14 year old and what I did with my 18 year old when she struggled to leave the house:

• camhs advisor advised to allow her her screens as it was a way to calm down. I’d be careful if completely detoxing, however do agree you need to know what’s going on there. And not 24/7 (although honestly my eldest did)
• with both of them I was advised to prioritise tiny steps and doing my best to get them out the house (if needs be with bribes… some chocolate/ lip stick whatever. Believe me we spent months trying to get into shops when she was able to and I literally would go in with her for a minute at a time every day then 2 then 3 with the promise of something anything in the shop. Itss as exposure therapy and was what CamHS advised. The idea is to push them but not too quickly and not too hard… just slightly out of the comfort zone
• for my youngest daughter we have listed 8 things (including school!) That she struggles with from easiest to most difficult eg getting up, coming for a dog walk, exercise, etc. she gets a sticker to put in a rainbow we’ve made (my other daughter wouldn’t have done this) and if she does it 5 times there’s a small treat. Again push a little bit but not too hard. She lives unto see any progress but it is very slow.
• when she does make a small step focus on that and I was advised it can absolutely exhaust some e with anxiety to push themselves s as nd they may need to just rest so all the tricks warm bath.nicd foo I’ll lm, book, hot chocolate. Exercise whatever she needs to relax.
• if she’s able (dd1 wasn’t able to / dd2 is in my experience) try and get a schedule devised with her but if she can get her to do a bit of work focus her mind and build self-esteem even if it’s simple using CPG. Books (she may not be able to though see how that goes). But don’t put pressure on education is the last of our worries. I let my dad decid ed what lessons and which books she marks it herself and I tend not to check as I’m just interested in her feeling good about herself
• keep persevering and being there for her do read up about ND symptoms… hard to diagnose in girls as they are very good at masking.
• Focus on h ed tiny steps she does make even if it’s just going outside and walking around the garden/block anything that gets her out of her room. Sitting with you watching a film point out she’s making progress. She’ll be feeling so bad about herself so try and build her up anywhere you can.

i really wish you well these things worked for me (not always) but we are all different so keep trying and using your instinct. Does she like animals btw. Our dog was the therapy for all of us actually was there for us all to cuddle or walk… Guinea pigs like cuddles?
much luck to you both

@kimthomasandaimee
I have to say I disagree about education yes if she’s able of course get her doing work. But if not take the pressure off completely if needs be. She’s bright she’ll get there if not with her peers she can do GcSEs any time (again top tip for me from CAMHS). My daughter missed 4 years of secondary education and is at uni now with her peers… much much much more important is her happiness and well being. And to get to the next stage they only need 5 GCSEs anyway.

Omg this is my daughter

That sounds an incredibly difficult situation. Yes ADHD or depression might be involved and the tech is probably a contributing factor. The dramatic change at the onset of puberty though seems something worth considering? Some women react very badly to female hormones. Can you try to see if there is any pattern in her mood/behaviour that is related to her cycle? It is possible that the medical intervention she needs is around hormones rather than psychiatry.