14 year old won't leave the house

[kimthomasandaimee]

My fourteen year old daughter will hardly ever leave the house. It has been over one year now since she has gone to school. When she used to go, the school would phone within the first half an hour and ask me to collect her because she was too stressed/upset/anxious.

And so she spends most of her time just sat in her bedroom looking at her phone, iPad or computer. Currently, she has unrestricted access to these and generally stays up until the early hours of the morning before being able to sleep. When I try and implement a bedtime or take her devices away, at 10.00pm for example, she threatens to kill herself. I cannot tell how serious she is although we saw a family therapist recently who did not believe she was serious in the threats but it's impossible to tell after a single hour long session. I hope its just emotional manipulation and not genuine but it makes me so fearful for her safety that I just give in and let her stay up as late as she wants and keep all her things.

She used to be able to do everything for herself, functioned really well, high-achiever at school but in the last couple of years everything has fallen apart.

Now she is low mood, no energy, tells me she is tired all the time. She is apathetic and has no interests. She does not want to go anywhere or do anything. I have suggested every outing I can think of. We are supposed to be going on holiday in May and she is currently refusing to go.

Almost all self-care has stopped. If I do not constantly remind her she will not brush her teeth, drink water or eat food. She wears the same outfit all the time and doesn't like me cleaning her room or changing the sheets on her bed.

Today, for the first time in months I got her to go to the gym with me. We were there for ten minutes, she wouldn't use any of the equipment - just stood next to what I was using and then wanted to leave so I took her home again as she was getting upset.

I just don't know what to do. We have seen various therapists and none of them really seem to know how to help motivate her. CAMHS don't want to know.

I feel really lost and isolated with this as I now spend the majority of my time at home as well making sure that she is ok. I don't know whether to enforce a bedtime, force her to go out of the house when she doesn't want to. I can't remember the last time I saw her happy. I just can't believe how much she has changed.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

I disagree with all the comments about screens. It sounds like she is using them as a coping mechanism, an escape from what is really troubling her and a way of regulating herself - or trying to.

It sounds like she is in burnout, it isn't that she doesn't want to engage with the outside world but she is unable to. Removing all the demands and letting her recover is important.

Are the school supporting you? I work in a secondary school and support a student in a similar situation. Between September and now, we have referred to Children’s Services, CAMHS, the local authority Attendance Advisory Service, applied for an EHCP and for Medical Needs Tuition - accessing these services can take a while but there is support out there.

Over the short term, find out what she’s watching online and ask if you can watch some stuff with her, find out what games she’s playing and create an account and learn to play them. Ask her to fill you in on TikTok drama, ask her for her opinions about who’s being cancelled for what reason. Don’t argue with her about her opinions, just take the time to get her talking. Make her feel that she’s bringing something valuable to the table with your discussions. Ask if she wants to order some clothes online. Just start building a connection

Sounds like an ND girl in ND burnout. The age is bang on.

I have one. Screens help her. She’s coming out of it now. But it’s been a tough time.

I wouldn’t take the screens away yet. I’d focus on trying to get her to include brief periods out of the house. This will be hard for her so keep them short and unthreatening, eg a drive/walk to a small shop to buy a magazine, then straight home; a visit to a cafe for takeaway coffee and cake, etc etc.

She sounds depressed. Is she on any medication? If not, I’d see the GP about some. Counselling can be good too, if you can find the right person.

There’s a fine balance between going easy on her and giving in and making things worse. Be kind and patient; never show your frustration; praise her for small things because her self-esteem will be rock bottom. If the time feels right, gently probe her about what the issue is, perhaps by asking about one simple thing rather than the whole package, eg ask why she doesn’t want to change her clothes. Whatever she says, stay calm and understanding and let her speak.

Also think it sounds like an ND girl in ND burnout. Screens might be helping her regulate. Please be careful about taking advice from parents who have never been through this, could very likely make things worse.

Screen time is a must. You don’t know what she’s looking at online or who she is talking to. Her whole world is probably on Reddit/Tumblr or even worse sites doing who knows what and talking to god knows who. She is a child and as her parent you have every right to monitor what she is doing and how long she spends on the internet.

I would stop focusing on things like going to the gym, which is massively putting her out of her comfort zone, and instead on a routine of basic hygiene, cleaning her room, changing clothes, brushing teeth, showers in the morning or before bed.

She will feel less lethargic when she has a proper routine, bedtime and is eating properly at proper times.

For the suicide threats, take away any scissors or pills. If she’s not leaving the house, how would she get more?

You are quite rightly prioritising her health over everything else - but if she doesn't already have one, I would recommend applying for an EHCNA right away. You can do this yourself, with or without school support. The EHCNA will give you access to an Educational Psychology Assessment, and this can help with other referrals. WIth an EHCP in place, she will have the right to educational support up to the age of 25 - so if things are not going well now, it doesn't mean that her whole future will be written off. Ask her GP for help - and for a referral for ASD and ADHD assessment as a minimum. Ask the School to also refer for assessment. The Local Authority are obligated to provide an education, which may mean home tutors for now. Getting a structure for that in place, may help her regulate her day and even see hope for the future. If she is depressed, everything is very, very hard for her. Thank/Praise her for anything she does manage to achieve, whether that is hanging a towel up, coming downstairs when asked or whatever. Lots and lots of praise.

Do you live in the real world?
The tech is clearly the direct cause of the depression.

Also low demand.

Give her meals don’t ask what she wants. Remove all decision making. Aim for a shower once a day. Do t press her to go anywhere or do anything.

She will recover her in her own time. You can’t force her. It may take more than a year. She needs an EHCP.

The depression is ND burnout. Nothing to do with tech.

You need to enforce some boundaries OP. I’m guessing she doesn’t have to do any chores around the house either? You are the parent and you need to start telling her what is acceptable and what is not. Staying in bed all day is not acceptable. She needs to be in education, even if it’s an online school. You need to step up.

How did people cope and self soothe 20 years ago?
This is ridiculous.

If she’s in ND burnout. This will all make her worse.

You literally have to sit it out and look after them like babies.

She is clearly very depressed.
I would check what she is accessing online, is it supportive or harmful.
Then I would talk to her and acknowledge how depressed she is and say as her parent you are going to do what you can you can to help her, and the first step is a daily routine. So wake her up in the morning. Encourage her to have a shower, brush her teeth and have something to eat. It will all be slow. She is very depressed, so you may wake her up and she will go back to sleep, but keep trying.
Encourage her every day to get outside even if it is 5 minutes in the garden or a drive in the car. Praise her for getting out.
Tell her she has to leave tech with you at bedtime. You can not make her sleep at a sensible time, but you can help her to do so.
The suicide threats sound like manipulation.
Living the way she is almost a recipe for depression.

@km1982 CAHMS have probably advised to get her into a healthy routine and limit access to tech. The way the DD is living is a recipe for depression. The change is a practical one that a parent can support, rather than needing counselling or specialist help.

Schools weren’t as stressful then and there was less chance of burnout.

Also TV’s and games existed 20 years ago

This whole 'ND burnout' thing is really terrible labelling - completely unhelpful for a previously well functioning child. One who has been to various counsellors and received no diagnosis.

It is so clear that there is a total lack of boundaries for this child - who would allow a child not to go to school for a whole year at 14? This sentence really stands out for me: "When she used to go, the school would phone within the first half an hour and ask me to collect her because she was too stressed/upset/anxious."

Really? Would you really keep on doing this just because someone is upset? It isn't helpful for the child to be constantly avoiding any form of 'upset', it absolutely destroys resilience, and can end up with the situation that is described in the OP.

This whole 'ND burnout' thing is really terrible labelling - completely unhelpful for a previously well functioning child. One who has been to various counsellors and received no diagnosis

Mine was previously well functioning. It’s called masking. Then they can’t cope anymore. I think she has anxiety? Yes? So a diagnosis.

Girls usually present with anxiety as first symptom of ND. They hold it all in.

And yes, l am sitting it out on advice of ND specialist psychologist on NHS. Because that’s what you have to do. Years of masking alter the structure of the brain and lead to long term changes. The only way out is to let the brain recover in its own time and way. Nothing speeds it up. Special interest can help
it along. But mines been out of school a year. Diagnosed by an Ed pysch too.

This.

I'd try and connect with her more about how she uses it, what apps she likes, is she gaming, what does she like about it. Use it as a point of connection and discussion - which will also help her to discuss any issues she may be having - rather than a punishment.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow Do you have a child who is allowed to game all day and night and do nothing else? Is this why you are reacting the way you are?

Are you qualified to make a mental health diagnosis without assessing a patient in real life?

The tech usage may be a contributory factor to her depression, or it may be a symptom of a depressive disorder or other condition or it might be completely unrelated.

None of us know. So be careful about what opinions you throw around as fact, as there are real people looking on for guidance.

I would love her to do something else, and so would she. But her brain is too tired. She games a bit. I’m not reacting in any way

Mine was exactly the same. This was supported by Ed pysch and Pyschologist. She wouldn’t /couldn’t leave her room.

Shes getting better but still very bored. Her brain is exhausted. So still very tired. Gaming soothes her. It’s a special interest therefore helpful. She’s 17. She also has other special interests she uses to calm her.

Im not being defensive. The op’s daughter is the right age and showing every evidence of ND burnout.

Can you nurse her in the traditional sense?

Follow a routine. Lights on, bedding changed windows open at 7am. Wash. Breakfast at 7.30am. Read to her. Play a board game. Time sitting outside in the garden. Etc.

Turn off the wi-if at 10pm.

@Clarabella77 You would be depressed if you were living the way OPs DD is living. I would be depressed. You have to change the way she is living first and then see if there are any other issues.