Feeding DS’s girlfriend

[SalTtt]

So my DS is 14yo and in year 10. His girlfriend of 3 mths is year 11 and 16yo. There’s a pattern developing where she spends most of the weekend at our house - no sleepovers but she’s here Friday after school, Saturday & Sunday afternoon to 8/9pm.
Naturally within that time we’ve planned to cook family meals but because she’s here we of course share the food we’ve prepared but we are a family of 5, we already spend a fair bit on weekly food shop. I haven’t yet bought more food bcos of her presence but I have to think whether we have enough for 6 of what I’ve planned to cook.
Also, DS makes her lunch when she arrives (soup & sandwich) and he took a flask of hot soup into school the other day for her - she gets Free School Meals but doesn’t want to queue so either doesn’t eat lunch or takes handouts from her friends.
She’s a lovely girl but we’re feeling the strain of having an extra mouth to feed! Any ideas how we tackle this one? 🤔

[DarkAcademia]

I'd send her home. 14yo is too young to be imposing another person on your household that much, especially for the entire weekend, especially as she's supposed to be studyinging for her GCSE's. Definitely put your foot down about him bringing her in a packed lunch.

Set some strict rules about how often she is at yours, and make sure it doesn't include dinner unless you explicitly invite her. You need to set a precedent for him that you don't operate an open house.

[SalTtt]

Thank you. DS and girlfriend are both really respectful but she’s already mentioned how we have boundaries - I’m not sure her family do. I think me & hubby need to speak to DS; I think you’re right, it’s the not being invited but having to include her anyway.

[irishapple]

I would not be happy with her imposing on family life for a whole weekend. That's wild. I know you probably want your son to feel comfortable to be open with you about their relationship but at 14 that's too much unfortunately.

[SalTtt]

Also recently her mum’s car was broken and her only option to get home was a walk in the dark and then catch the bus. I couldn’t imagine allowing my DD to do that alone so we’ve ended up as a taxi service.
The more I write the more of a mug I feel!

[Luckydog7]

Hmm it sounds like she comes from a deprived background if she's on fsm and ds feels the need to feed her. Perhaps a frank and gentle conversation with your son about her and if she's struggling, does he feel the need to support her. It's very kind hearted of him to do this but not great for a 16year old depending on a 14year old and his family for food.

If she is deprived then obviously it would be a lovely act on your part to continue helping her but this needs to be an agreement with you really. Taking food from home to feed her really isn't on. Perhaps if you were willing to help you can come up with some strategies. Having your easy/simple meals at the weekends to save money. Having a supply of affordable snacks that he is allowed to take. All depending on your financial situation too.

I don't want to assume but it might be worth keeping in mind that she may be using him, she's older after all. Or possibly they could develop a codependent relationship.

[LoveFood]

This is quite tricky - you say she's on free school meals and your DS has started basically bringing her extra food, plus you've mentioned that she has commented that your house has boundaries and she clearly likes hanging out.

I'd suspect that she's choosing to be at your house because it IS nicer, probably warmer and friendlier and also there's more/better food. It is, of course, totally up to you and I do understand the challenge of an extra mouth to feed. It's also not unreasonable to want some time at home without the extra person. BUT, where I could, I would be continuing to do this as much as possible. Perhaps suggest to DS that she goes home earlier some days, and then on the days she IS at yours, give some thought to what meals you can prepare that go further/are less expensive.

But obviously NOT to the detriment of your family.

[Shinyandnew1]

It’s not reasonable that she eats at yours for three dinners and two lunches every week at your expense without prior arrangement.


If he is old enough to have a girlfriend, he is old enough to have a discussion about finances with you.

He could go to hers one weekend day and she comes to you for one. They can see each other after dinner or before dinner on a Friday.

[ghlily]

This is very tricky. I wouldn’t send her home, I would be happy that she enjoys spending so much time with family & your son seems to be very caring. Is the extra mouth to feed really affecting you that much financially? I wouldn’t say anything unless I really couldn’t afford it. I also can’t really imagine how this conversation with your son would go. I would have been disappointed in my parents if they told me that my friend or boyfriend couldn’t come over anymore. If she is nice and respectful, I wouldn’t see the problem.

[Octavia64]

If she is on free school meals then she comes from a very low income family.

Her family may well not be able to provide what you see as minimum (hence the bus and walking in the dark).

It's reasonable to be concerned about how much she is eating - personally I would be trying to find a tactful way of working out if she is actually hungry and coming to yours to be fed.

[Rocknrolla21]

I’d feel bad about denying her lunch when she turns up, how could you deny a hungry child some soup or sandwich? But saying that it sounds like she is starting to learn to take advantage. You don’t scrounge off your mates during school because you can’t be bothered to queue. Your ds is old enough to be told straight that there is a problem, and what it is. I’d tell him you can’t afford an extra mouth for nearly half the week. She can either come just the one day a week, or maybe two but he’s not to raid your fridge for her on her arrival, and you won’t be providing dinner either

[Aquamarine1029]

Your son sounds like such a lovely young man, and my heart is kind of breaking for his girlfriend. It doesn't sound as though she has much support from home.

Perhaps your son could cut back on the visits, and maybe you could keeps some inexpensive food on hamd like pasta and sauce.

[Rocknrolla21]

@Octavia64

If she is on free school meals then she comes from a very low income family.

Her family may well not be able to provide what you see as minimum (hence the bus and walking in the dark).

It's reasonable to be concerned about how much she is eating - personally I would be trying to find a tactful way of working out if she is actually hungry and coming to yours to be fed.

If she was hungry then she’d be eating the free school meals. Not asking her mates to bring them food from home as she can’t be bothered going to the canteen

[Belovedbagle]

Yes I would keep some inexpensive but nutritious food around.. there's no way I wouldn't offer her food. However I have to admit, every weekend for a 14yo is pretty heavy, and I'd be encouraging him to see his other friends too.

[LoveFood]

You don’t scrounge off your mates during school because you can’t be bothered to queue.

DS once got a two hour detention and I had to take a call from the school because when the teacher accused him of wandering around the building inappropriately before school and going missing so that he was late for class, he didn't want to tell her in front of the other children that he had been at school early for a maths intervention that had run over.....

I don't know how FSM works at your school but I accidentally sat in on a session for parents of children on FSM at the start of year 7 and the question that came up a lot was whether the other students would know that their child was on FSM because the children didn't want to be highlighted in that way (our school has a system to manage this although I suspect it's not ideal...).

[Galeforcewindatmywindow]

Does ds have spends? He could get a pizza from his own money. Then he can decide if gf is coming over.. Maybe he will see better how much your family provide for her...
Even when we are skint guests can have toast or a cheese sandwich.. And skint often.. Dd goes to her bf's often. If his dm is also skint dd is happy to have spaghetti on toast and they happily make do.. No need to offer up special meals ime.

[bleughgreen]

This actually breaks my heart. I still am eternally grateful for the love and care my first boyfriend's parents showed me. Even a jam sandwich if the dinner didn't go far enough.

Just get a few cheap bits in and get DS to cook for them together. She'll get fed and your son can learn to cook.

As for the taxi service, maybe look on it as doing a good dead and keeping a child your son cares about safe.

[Lizzieregina]

I think he’s really young to be in such an involved relationship.

Having said that, I don’t think I could bring myself not to offer food to a young person who may come from a family in hardship.

Your house might be a refuge for her.

[ZekeZeke]

I'd sooner have her at your house than have DS over at hers.
It is worth a few meals for the peace of mind.

[Travelban]

This is a really difficult one but we have had similar both with gf/bfriends and friends. For some bizarre reason, most DC seem to prefer coming to ours and some.have made it into a pattern.

I have never minded it as we can afford it and I love having young people around the house. What I have noticed though, regardless of income, is the staggering difference in parents' reaction to this.

Some have sent the kids often with food/flowers/gifts or sent them with money to take DC out or have messaged with thanks etc Others completely ignored on the other extreme. Generally it's someway in between! I do think it's cheeky not to even thank a parent providing yoir child with dinners several times a week bit that's not what u asked. In your shoes I would just suck it uo but would worry your ds is being taken advantage of a bit.

[TeeBee]

You need to have a conversation with your son. It seems he is either being overly kind (unaware of the consequences of doing so) or being manipulated to provide her with free food.

You need to decide what, if any, food you are prepared to provide her (and you are under no obligation to provide any, particularly if you're then struggling to provide for your own family), and then let him know what those boundaries are. Then he needs to think about how to reverse the situation that he's got himself into and you can offer to help him with those conversations, if appropriate.

[Octavia64]

FSN kids face a lot of stigma at school.

Often parents will not claim it because they are worried about their child being bullied for being poor.

Teens absolutely will bully other teens for being on FSM - most schools go to a lot of effort to hide who is and who isn't for that reason.

From a teacher who used to keep food in her classroom so the hungry teens I taught could eat something.

www.sofea.uk.com/blog/the-stigma-of-free-school-meals-fsms/

[PrincessOfPreschool]

2 things strike me:

1. It's a lot of time together. I think either Sat OR Sun at yours. Your DS has his own work to do and own life to live. If she has that much free time, she could get a job.

1. DS could learn how to feed her cheaply eg. He could make a big soup weekly and take some to school/ have some on Sat (freeze it if necessary). Learn how to make a simple pasta and sauce to feed them both. Maybe when she's at yours, he can be responsible for feeding her and him just using cheap basics (veg, tinned toms, pasta, potatoes). Once a week she could eat with you all as a family. So eg.

Fri night - eat together, you provide the food for that

Sat - DS feeds her lunch and dinner from v basic food stuff - pasta, bread, home-made soup. Any snacks, DS buys from own money.

Sounds like she would benefit from a bit of routine and you would know where you are too.

[TeeBee]

OP, are there any community fridges near you? I wonder whether it's worth teaching your son and his girlfriend how to access them and help them make some batch meals using the ingredients. Useful skill in itself.

[Itslegitimatesalvage]

Tell them she can come for one day, so either Friday after school or Saturday or Sunday. And she can have lunch or dinner but not both.

Really though, she is 16 and he is 14. You need to have some boundaries in place because they shouldn’t be so enmeshed at this age. Start limiting her time at your house.

[TeeBee]

@Itslegitimatesalvage

Tell them she can come for one day, so either Friday after school or Saturday or Sunday. And she can have lunch or dinner but not both.

Really though, she is 16 and he is 14. You need to have some boundaries in place because they shouldn’t be so enmeshed at this age. Start limiting her time at your house.

I know that's not what the OP was asking, but I'm inclined to agree. It doesn't sound very balanced at any age...let alone at 14. This would be my bigger concern, to be honest.