Would you leave a 13 year old at home overnight?

[Moomin999]

Debated posting this on AIBU as that is what I want to know.
My son has recently turned 13. He has fallen out with his best pal whose house he would stay at every weekend, Friday or Saturday night and we would occasionally have him here to stay to.
I’ve been in a relationship for 18 months and I would stay over at his and we’d go out for a date/some food when my son was on a sleepover.
My son currently doesn’t go to school (an entirely different issue and one I am trying to resolve/come up with alternative solutions!) so he is now at home 24/7. He doesn’t see his dad and we have no other immediate family.
I leave him at home for 2 days a week while I go to work and can, luckily, work from home the rest of the week.
Would I be unreasonable and an awful mother to leave him at home on a Friday or Saturday night? Overnight?
Am genuinely curious if anyone else has left early teens alone overnight?

Totally unreasonable. I'm generally v much in favour of independence for both parents and children but I think this would be wrong & sends an awful message to your child about your priorities.

No

This a great idea and may actually help him too, I will look into it! Thank you 😊

Not at 13. That's a hard no.

No

I wouldn't. I am pretty sure nothing bad would happen- I'm not a member of the "anything could happen" club, but I think it sends a message that he isn't your number one priority- and he should be. And he should know without a hint of a doubt that he is.

I think your going to need to let go of the relationship with your boyfriend.

Your DS clearly needs you, whether he says it or not. You are the adult you need to be spending more time with him working through his challenges, and even if those things are being put in place he is going to need significant support going forward.

Is his school refusal due to autism or something else? if he doesn't have any strong male role models in his life now is important for him to get some, I'd get him involved in rugby - generally not picked up by lots of children until secondary school opposed to football where teams are close knit by 6 years old and perhaps a cadet force to give him some structure and aspirations and break his habits. Whilst he is at these events you might be able to scrape out some time with your partner but it won't be much.

Definitely too young. Why can’t you take him to your boyfriends place? You are 18 months into this relationship, your boyfriend knows you have a child. Why can’t your son go with you? Or your boyfriend come to your house?

Sorry, OP just reread and realised that you haven’t introduced boyfriend and son yet. Fair enough. After 18 months, maybe it’s time they at least met? A day out or something brief. Perhaps a ‘hello’ at the door? I think keeping things so separate is going to be hard long term for you.

Once - possibly. On a regular basis - bad idea.

I absolutely would not leave a 13 year old home alone, especially one who is already struggling with school refusal and the teenage realisation of the enormity of the abandonment from his dad.

Sounds like your son is going through a lot and you are right he needs to be your priority just now. Sorry things are so hard for you, but it is what it is.

I agree with those who say introducing a partner to your son now is probably not the best idea, it is a big ask of a partner to get involved with at the teen stage when there are experiencing significant problems.

So a date early evening instead, early food, shag then home for your ds it will need to be for now.

Hi op. I have a 13 year old DS and no I wouldn't. I also have a 16 year old DD who I have just started letting stay on her own but wouldn't leave my 13 year old in her care.

My DD didn't go to school for 2 years and I totally understand your difficulties. I barely left the house for 2 years as I wasn't ok leaving her. It feel like I lost 2 years of my own life and put things on hold completely. But I just didn't feel I could/ would want to.

No solutions but I just wanted to say that I reality understand how you feel

No. Too young..and too young to leave alone him while you work. ..If something serious were to happen, social services, police, etc... would possibly be involved and you'd be in serious trouble, and possibly could have him removed from your care.

Also, imo he shouldn't be going over his friend's too much either. Even though the family may tell you that they don't mind, deep down they do..and even if your child is well behaved and polite, and even if he's no problem over there, they'd rather not have him over there that often. They'd rather have their home to themselves. They'd rather not be responsible for your child that often.

Sometimes is ok...not every weekend. That's too much.

Responsible child miner...or just stay home with him. Don't you spend much time with him yourself?? Every weekend you're sending him off to be someone else's "problem", while you go spend that time with your boyfriend.

Perhaps scale back on the boyfriend..and perhaps spend more time with your son.

Judging that you're putting your relationship before your child, they'll judge you when they're older too. You're very lucky that they usually stay at their friends. Why aren't you spending any time with them in the weekend??! Serious question, I honestly think this is bordering on neglect

This post absolutely resonates with me. What on earth are you doing about the school refusal? This is your priority. Your 13 yo sounds like he is in crisis

Don't. Your partner shouldn't be spending nights or staying over. That's too much.

Your child is struggling, this guy doesn't need to be around your child. Let this relationship go, and focus on your child and getting him the help he needs.

Your child comes first.

The only thing keeping a 13yo boy up until midnight is unfettered access to a games console and/or social media. Put some age-appropriate limits around those things and you'll have a much easier time with his other issues.

Aside from that, if you think this relationship has legs I don't think there's anything wrong with him starting to get to know your son in preparation for the odd sleepover.

Noway, 13 is too young and he is already so isolated and alone.
His life sounds incredibly sad and you should forget the boyfriend and focus on your poor son.

He's too young to be left!!
You need to make other arrangements.

The fact that you’re even considering it when he’s just lost his best friend and is so very young, mixed up and isolated is shocking to me.
Id spend vast amounts of time with him doing stuff to increase his confidence and getting him out of the house. Get him involved with activities and groups, definitely sport and whatever else he likes. Zero gaming or locking himself in his room, he’s crying out for male leadership at 13 and ‘school refusal’ is your first priority. Is there no depth to his relationship with your bf? There’ll be massive jealousy I expect, even if he’s not saying much. Sadly you’ll both be paying for a very long time if you don’t get a grip on this. What are school saying? What options have you got for some respite? Because leaving him alone overnight would simply be neglect. Any man that demands it would be a stone cold loser in my book.

Your priorities are out of whack. Your child is struggling in life and hasn't been to school in a year, but you have a boyfriend of 18 months....and you've basically made a post asking advice on ways to continue seeing/having sleepovers with your boyfriend because you are no longer able to impose your child on another family like you use to...

You're worried more about the relationship surviving...instead of your child.

Please learn how to do better.

Your child has complexes, depression, and abandonment issues.. dad, family, friends, abandoned him, now mum seems like she doesn't want to be bothered much with son. You're contributing to his spiral.

Drop the boyfriend. .and do everything in your power to save your son.

Also, please see about having this removed before your child or someone you know stumbles across this.

Yes it is hard to have a social life when it is just you and a teenager living together. They are way too vulnerable to be left alone when things are going badly for them.

No

Oh give over. The OP has asked about one aspect of her life, that she wasn't sure about.

You have NO IDEA about the rest of her life or what her priorities are, but that doesn't stop you making assumptions and then using them as a stick to beat her with.

It's not a good look.