Would you leave a 13 year old at home overnight?

[Moomin999]

Debated posting this on AIBU as that is what I want to know.
My son has recently turned 13. He has fallen out with his best pal whose house he would stay at every weekend, Friday or Saturday night and we would occasionally have him here to stay to.
I’ve been in a relationship for 18 months and I would stay over at his and we’d go out for a date/some food when my son was on a sleepover.
My son currently doesn’t go to school (an entirely different issue and one I am trying to resolve/come up with alternative solutions!) so he is now at home 24/7. He doesn’t see his dad and we have no other immediate family.
I leave him at home for 2 days a week while I go to work and can, luckily, work from home the rest of the week.
Would I be unreasonable and an awful mother to leave him at home on a Friday or Saturday night? Overnight?
Am genuinely curious if anyone else has left early teens alone overnight?

I’m at the more relaxed side but no. Personally 16 feels about right but only then if they are sensible and ok about being alone.

i think you knew the answer when you asked. What about a babysitter for a couple of hours.

We are putting things in place in terms of his schooling and as I said making alternative provisions, I just didn’t feel the need to go into massive detail as I didn’t think it was relevant!

No I wouldn't. It is not illegal but NSPCC says 16 and gov guidelines say 16. My parents did not leave me until I was 17 and I certainly would not leave a 13 year old- particularly one who has no close friends and is not attending school- signs of vulnerability.

Ok. That's not what you said in your OP. You said:

He has fallen out with his best pal whose house he would stay at every weekend, Friday or Saturday night and we would occasionally have him here to stay to.

op can you try to get him to bed earlier? I’ve a 13 yo who’d do the same so I try to get him off screens by playing a board game or watching a movie . It really is hard and I can’t imagine having the kids home full time but it may just help? Also is you not having the bf over because of your son? So not to introduce him too early? Do you have any family who can help out? (Sorry is just in case)

When my youngest was this age I used to get a 16 yo [male baby-sitter] to come over to 'keep him company' and they'd do stuff together at home or at the park - that worked okay

Never called him a baby-sitter tho' because that would have been insulting

Definitely wouldn’t leave him in any circumstances but especially not in these. Really surprised anyone would consider this.

I am very laid back about these things but I wouldn't consider it until 16 for overnights.

I do try but it has become a bit of a vicious cycle that is hard to break. And because he is sleeping in late he is then not tired at all in the evening. I haven’t introduced him to the boyfriend yet as was very much trying to keep things separate. My parents are both dead and no other family. I have friends and a support network but not who would be able to have my son or who he would want to stay with.

Best of luck, the night thing is a constant slog here too!!

I have a 13 yo DS.

I'd leave him for a couple of hours. But not overnight. I wouldn't like it. He wouldn't like it.

Why can't your OH come to you while your son is there? Haven't they met after 18 months?

I'm not judging you, I totally understand that you need some time to be you, not just "mum". But I think he's too young for overnight alone

Sorry I've just seen your update.

I'd introduce them and then in time have OH stay at yours. That's the solution. Not leaving DS.

No. He's too young, he doesn't have another parent to turn to, he currently doesn't go to school, which probably means he's not very confident or happy, and he's fallen out with his best mate.

If all that had happened to you at 13, would you have wanted your mum to abandon you?

Can't your boyfriend come round and have a games night - go bowling, have pizza. If he isn't prepared to muck in just once, he's not a very kind person, is he?

Def too young

Why can't bf stay at yours

After 18mths time to meet bf

Definitely not I would not leave a teen until they were 17. Even 16 is too young for many teens unless they are very mature have close neighbours etc.
I wouldn't have the boyfriend staying over either unless you have been together a long time and your ds knows him well.

Agree with this. My youngest dd is 16 and still too young to be left alone all night imo.

I disagree with introducing them. Your son has enough going on, and enough for you to resolve without bringing a third party into the home.

No I wouldn't and as your son clearly has other things going on with school refusal leaving him on his own is an even worse idea.

I appreciate you have said you won't be doing it but I don't think having your boyfriend over will help either.

Leaving him home alone all night to go and ‘spend time’ with your partner I would absolutely be judging you. Your child should be the priority here, not your love and sex life. What’s wrong with just going out on an early evening date? Does he not know that the partner exists or something?

Leaving a 13 year old home alone for something completely necessary is a very different situation to neglecting him for your SO.

Also after 18 months it is time that they met and you stopped keeping secrets that are only going to damage your relationship with your son. I have navigated this exact situation with DD and DP, even from a few months we spent a lot of time together as a ‘family’, they got on great and she loved having him around as a father figure which she didn’t have

I wouldn't be doing that. I'm in a different situation but struggle with childcare. So just don't go out very regularly. That's life I'm afraid. If you have children they come first.... sorry if that sounds harsh but 13 is far to young to leave alone overnight.

It is however good you have asked others opinions before doing it.

Do they have any respite schemes in place near you? Dependent on the reasons you may be able to have further support including holidays that are funded. It's hard without knowing details. You could contact somewhere like Family lives or Family Action. They might be able to guide you?

It would absolutely be too early for me too but I think it’s unfair when person after person is judgemental about someone even asking if something is ok. Asking and doing it are two different things. OP has seen that the overwhelming verdict is no, it’s too young and in response has decided not to leave him overnight. No one needs to chastise her.

Sorry if it’s already been referenced but The NSPCC recommends not leaving children under 16 at home alone overnight.

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/in-the-home/home-alone/#

I’m so sorry there’s so much on your plate with so little support OP. Hope things improve for you.

No.
I also wouldn't choose a time when he's already clearing struggling to start bringing a boyfriend round either. I'd talk to my boyfriend and agree to just pause things a bit while I focused on helping my child.