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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

WWYD- DD wants to stay at her Boyfriends

94 replies

ton181 · 08/01/2024 21:20

DD has been with her BF for 5 months and asked me (male) if she could stay overnight at his house (DD16 and BF 17, were same school year). Im male and my partner is female. My partner is all for it, however Im not, Id rather she wait until their relationship has a little longevity. Ive told her once she turns 17 she can stay over. They both tell me this isnt the olden days you know. Im no prude and know they are already intimate; am I wrong to try and protect her?

His parents have already agreed she can stay at their house, and he seems a nice well mannered young man.

Your thoughts? WWYD

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 08/01/2024 21:22

Not until GCSE’s are over

Dacadactyl · 08/01/2024 21:22

I personally wouldn't allow them to stay over at each others houses, no.

FlabMonsterIsDietingAgain · 08/01/2024 21:24

She's over the age of consent and having sex doesn't need a whole night, so if they want to be having sex they'll do it whether she can spend the night or not.

In my opinion it's better that you know where she is, that she is safe and that you maintain a relationship where she doesn't feel she has to hide things from you and sneak around.

Either you or your partner should have a conversation with her, if you haven't already, about safe sex.

Original poster
ton181 · 08/01/2024 21:25

Just for clarity, they both left school in June 2023

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 08/01/2024 21:26

Then I’d make sure she has contraception and let her stay

Scutterbug · 08/01/2024 21:26

Yes I would let her. If you say no they’ll still find ways to have sex you know!

anothernamechangeagainsndagain · 08/01/2024 21:27

As already most GCSE I would let them

Original poster
ton181 · 08/01/2024 21:28

Thanks.
We have had the safe sex chats, and I know they are intimate as mentioned in OP.

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 08/01/2024 21:32

I'd rather she was safe somewhere than messing about in the back of a car in the woods. My DS used to bring his girlfriend to stay over at that age because I wanted to ensure they were both safe.
Meanwhile I was doing a Mrs Mary Whitehouse in my bedroom.😂

ithinkitsdone · 08/01/2024 21:36

We have just had a similar situation. We have always had v Frank and open discussions around sex and relationships and she tells me a lot.

Dds bf spoke to his parents about it and they talked about contraception, respect and consent.
DD did the same with us, v mature conversations about precautions, pleasure, respect and what to do if things didn't work out such as calling halts/ emergency contraception.

I respected her being honest and speaking to us, his folks felt the same. I met his parents and we talked it over- the kind of conversations you don't imagine having.!!😊
We decided to let them over the festive holidays.

I collected DD and she said the best bit was making breakfast together and they didn't have sex, fell asleep watching TV.
I trust and believe her, she tells me everything and strongly think she would have told the truth. She's a rubbish liar.

I wanted to know rather than them sneaking around.

Ponderingwindow · 08/01/2024 21:42

My answer would be no. Not because they will have sex. They can have sex in the middle of the afternoon. Sanctioned overnights make the relationship seem more serious and important than any relationship should be at 16 or 17. Overnights speed up the intimacy.

my dd is free to have as many overnights as she wants once she is in student housing at university. For a child not attending university, I would at least wait until they were the age that would be attending. I think it’s better if overnights wait until people have their own space, but given the rental situation, acknowledge that can be impractical.

Whataretheodds · 08/01/2024 21:46

My answer would be no. Not because they will have sex. They can have sex in the middle of the afternoon. Sanctioned overnights make the relationship seem more serious and important than any relationship should be at 16 or 17. Overnights speed up the intimacy

This. And after only 5 months I'd want my daughter to have the release valve of not spending the night somewhere she doesn't have the means or facility to get home from.

Fireyflies · 08/01/2024 21:48

I let my DD stay with her 17yo BF when she was 16, and am pretty sure most of her friends were allowed to similarly. A relationship of 5 months is not a casual one.

ZenNudist · 08/01/2024 21:54

Ponderingwindow · 08/01/2024 21:42

My answer would be no. Not because they will have sex. They can have sex in the middle of the afternoon. Sanctioned overnights make the relationship seem more serious and important than any relationship should be at 16 or 17. Overnights speed up the intimacy.

my dd is free to have as many overnights as she wants once she is in student housing at university. For a child not attending university, I would at least wait until they were the age that would be attending. I think it’s better if overnights wait until people have their own space, but given the rental situation, acknowledge that can be impractical.

This. Really not a good idea to encourage very serious relationship at such a young age.

Greenvelvetdress · 08/01/2024 22:04

@ZenNudist I'm not sure 16 is a) such a young age or b) that allowing them to stay at each others house is encouraging is serious relationship.

Surely it's better for ones children to be safe, feel able to trust you and be in a house with adults. Once they go to uni they can literally go back to whoever's house after a night out...

autienotnaughty · 08/01/2024 22:17

It would be a no from me. Sleeping at each others houses creates a bigger commitment than is needed at that age.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/01/2024 22:22

If I thought the bf was fine, I would say yes but only one night a weekend and she can choose between a sleepover at his or with friends so she gets some sleep at the weekend too. I would make sure she has a code word or emoji should could text if she wanted picking up and you agree to make up an excuse to go and collect her immediately no questions asked if she uses it

WithIcePlease · 08/01/2024 22:40

Fireyflies · 08/01/2024 21:48

I let my DD stay with her 17yo BF when she was 16, and am pretty sure most of her friends were allowed to similarly. A relationship of 5 months is not a casual one.

Same here

RedHelenB · 08/01/2024 22:42

ton181 · 08/01/2024 21:25

Just for clarity, they both left school in June 2023

You are being old fashioned by not allowing this.Yabu

Vinrouge4 · 08/01/2024 22:56

They will be having sex already. Isn’t it better it happens in the boyfriend’s home rather than in the loo of a pub/back of a car/somewhere else unsuitable.

incognito50me · 09/01/2024 07:33

Yes, I would allow it after 5 months.
What I would not allow is moving in by stealth; an occasional sleepover is just fine.

Wooloohooloo · 09/01/2024 07:38

I'd have a conversation about consent, respect, legalities (exchanging nudes etc, contraception etc and would allow it. Not every night but maybe once a week. DS is 17 and I've allowed this from 16 but hasn't asked for it so far.

RaininSummer · 09/01/2024 07:54

I wouldn't have a huge issue with it but would rather she came home at night unless there was a reason such as a very late night or special event. I think it is too young for them to effectively end up living together.

JamNittyGritty · 09/01/2024 08:02

My 16yr old dd & her 16yr old bf have been having sleepovers for a while. About once a week at one house or the other. They had been together about 7 or so months and from near the end of year 11 (yr 12 now). I knew him quite well by that point, could see they had a good respectful relationship and know my dd is a strong personality who will only do what she chooses and not be coerced, manipulated, guilt tripped into doing anything she wasn’t ready for or wanted to do.

I also know saying no doesn’t stop the sex and saying yes has meant we have kept a good and open relationship without her feeling she has to hide what she is up to.

JamNittyGritty · 09/01/2024 08:04

Having an occasional / weekly sleepover is not effectively living together. You can always put a limit on it, we say no school night sleepovers.