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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

WWYD- DD wants to stay at her Boyfriends

94 replies

ton181 · 08/01/2024 21:20

DD has been with her BF for 5 months and asked me (male) if she could stay overnight at his house (DD16 and BF 17, were same school year). Im male and my partner is female. My partner is all for it, however Im not, Id rather she wait until their relationship has a little longevity. Ive told her once she turns 17 she can stay over. They both tell me this isnt the olden days you know. Im no prude and know they are already intimate; am I wrong to try and protect her?

His parents have already agreed she can stay at their house, and he seems a nice well mannered young man.

Your thoughts? WWYD

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 09/01/2024 08:14

You said you know they're already being intimate, do you mean you know they're already having sex? If that's the case, I'm not sure why you'd be so against it.
It obviously also depends on how sensible your DD is, how sensible the lad is and whether they understand boundaries etc.
is her mum on the scene? If so, what's her take on it?

HelloDaisy · 09/01/2024 08:26

What about him staying at your house first? Maybe that will help you to feel more comfortable with it.

We had the same situation with dd and that’s what we did, he stayed with us before she stayed there. His mum also contacted me before to ask if we were happy for them to be in the same room etc.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 09/01/2024 08:56

Ponderingwindow · 08/01/2024 21:42

My answer would be no. Not because they will have sex. They can have sex in the middle of the afternoon. Sanctioned overnights make the relationship seem more serious and important than any relationship should be at 16 or 17. Overnights speed up the intimacy.

my dd is free to have as many overnights as she wants once she is in student housing at university. For a child not attending university, I would at least wait until they were the age that would be attending. I think it’s better if overnights wait until people have their own space, but given the rental situation, acknowledge that can be impractical.

Really ? I slept over at my BFs house at 16 in 1992. I don't think it made our relationship " too adult".

DottyLottieLou · 09/01/2024 09:27

I would let her. You would know where she is and that she is safe. Much better than worrying about her getting home. They won't be doing anything they aren't already.

Scarlett89 · 09/01/2024 09:27

Let her stay. She is old enough and in a relationship. Not sleeping around. She is also being honest with you. I think you are being very old fashioned not letting her stay over and treating her as if she is doing something wrong which she isnt? Nothing will change just because she is staying the night. She just wants to spend time with her boyfriend.

GreenFields07 · 09/01/2024 09:35

I would let her. I remember being 16 and sleeping over at my 18yo bfs house here and there. It didnt make our relationship too serious, and we didnt end up living together. As long as they are being safe, and respect eachother. Maybe have a sit down with them both and put some expectations and boundaries in place. I think it also depends on the bf. Do you know him? How do you feel about him? If you cant stand the kid and dont trust him then that might change things a little. But if he seems a good lad then I dont see what harm a sleepover with his parents there will do.

Singlepringle1980 · 09/01/2024 09:38

I’d allow it. She could have lied and pretended to be somewhere else. If she’s being open and honest and you think she is suitably mature I don’t see a problem. You’ll know where she is and who she’s with.

Ohnoooooooo · 09/01/2024 09:38

I would counter with you can stay together at our house until you are 17.

bootthebox · 09/01/2024 09:48

I say this on every one of these threads, there are 2 conversations to be had, one of which you have had which is the safe sex talk.

The next question to ask her is, how long after she misses her period would she consider she might be pregnant?
Would she come and tell you/her Mum for support?
Would she take a pregnancy test immediately or put her head in the sand in denial of the possibility?
What would she do if that pregnancy test is positive? If she would terminate the pregnancy does she know the different options available to her depending on many weeks she is pregnant?

Would she intend to have the baby and give it up for adoption?
Would she intend to have the baby and raise it herself? Following on from that question is a massive conversation about money, living arrangements, support etc. You play adult games, you get to think about the decisions that might come from that.
Has she had this conversation with her boyfriend?

Also STI testing too. Ds1 is now 20 but when he was in year 10 a girl got pregnant and kept the baby, declaring during the pregnancy it was the best thing that ever happened to her. All the 14/15 year old boys who had actually had sex started to shit themselves when they realised they had no control over their girlfriend's body. And no, the Dad didn't want her to have the baby.

I know several women who have had terminations and lots more who had unplanned pregnancies. Teenagers fuck up too. Until the above talk, no I would not allow my child to stay over.

HappyAsASandboy · 09/01/2024 10:05

I would let her stay there and him stay with you, with some boundaries like only once per week/not on a school night/respectful of others in the home etc.

I remember how my mum was about boyfriends (never mind sex). Totally closed off to it, absolute expectation that there'd be no sex before ..... well before marriage I guess?! It just meant I didn't talk to her about anything, we snuck around having sex when parents were out and in cars parked on farm tracks. I was safe, but it did make sex feel less "healthy" than it could have done. I remember going away with a boyfriend on holiday when I was 18 ish and it felt so lovely to share a bed to sleep, and to wake up together etc.

I now have a 13 year old daughter. I hope she'll talk to me about boyfriends and sex. I hope I'll be approachable and balanced and let her spend her teens finding out what feels good in a relationship instead of spending them managing relationships alone.

Flatulence · 09/01/2024 10:05

Five months is a long time when you're that age.
Plus, they're presumably both at college/sixth form/working.
As long as you/your partner/another responsible adult in her life has had a good chat with your daughter about safe sex, consent, boundaries etc. AND her boyfriend seems decent then I'd be quite happy for her to sleepover at the boyfriend's house, if she were my daughter.

Hlly · 09/01/2024 10:08

Providing all the above necessary conversations had been had then yes I would allow.
when I was 16-18 I would stay at my long term boyfriends house regularly and we were sensible and safe concerning contraception etc. and I’m sure my mum was happy she knew where I was, I was safe and not god knows where, doing who knows what with people she didn’t know.
you’ve obviously been good parents as she feel she can talk to you openly so repay the trust

Grimchmas · 09/01/2024 10:12

I'd let them, although I'd say once a week until their studies are over would be a healthy thing for their studies.

I think it's a bit weird to say no once they are 16, especially if you know they are having sex anyway. I don't really think it's yours to deny her the emotional intimacy of (literally) sleeping together.

Icantbedoingwithit · 09/01/2024 10:15

If she is on contraception yes, if not no.

Beastiesandthebeauty · 09/01/2024 10:18

This is a very strange one as I had my own home and job while continuing education at 16 ! Hut then I look at my teen and they're just not built thr same as we were.... sleepovers I would let her ? I think at that age parenting needs to be more about respect and boundaries then rules.

Justus6 · 09/01/2024 10:19

As someone who is about to be a grandparent before 40 UANBU! Personally I would not allow it and I would ensure all basis are covered to protect her from pregnancy and STIs.

DRS1970 · 09/01/2024 10:26

You know they are already sexually active. So you could argue letting her stay over is recognising that, and allowing her to be in a safe place while doing that. Plus his parents are on board, so will hopefully be a positive adult influence when she is there. We had similar dilemmas with our teens, and I too am male if that makes a difference. If the lad and his family are decent, I would say you should roll with it. Have you considered meeting up with them to discuss it? It will make the you g lovers cringe, but might put your mind at rest. GL

Manthide · 09/01/2024 10:27

I know! One of my friend's daughters had a baby last year in year 11 and another friend's daughter's has just has a baby and she's in year 13. Neither were planned, bfs are in the same year - I don't know the first girl very well but the other is very friendly with my 16 year old dd and she had a great future planned. I'm sure she'll be fine as her family are very supportive and not short of a penny but still ...

IamRoyFuckingKent · 09/01/2024 10:32

I'd allow it. She is being open and honest with you. Just make sure they're using contraception, to state the obvious.

Also make it clear that she can "use" you as an excuse any time she doesn't want to stay and maybe feels under pressure to. Not that she should be the thing about allowing it does mean that she might stay more often that she wants to.

ImpeckableChicken · 09/01/2024 10:51

Yea let her stay over. Especially if you know they’re already intimate. And you’ve had the safe sex chat.

I loved staying over at my boyfriends, we were both 16, already done ‘stuff’ and to be honest it was just nice to cuddle, watch tv and go to sleep together. Didn’t spend the whole time bonking 😄

zeibesaffron · 09/01/2024 10:55

Yes I would let her stay - contraception needs to be in place and an open dialogue about relationship and well being.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 09/01/2024 11:04

You can't control her sex life, you can advise and guide her on how to stay safe but that's it......I know its hard when kids grow up and we have to view them as adults but that's part of having kids.

northernbeee · 09/01/2024 11:06

I would say no due to the overnight part. You know they are intimate and they will find any way to be intimate, but overnights were always 17+ in my home. Partners could come round and be in their room but it was always an open door policy, I could knock and enter at any time until they were both 17.

123sunshine · 09/01/2024 11:16

I think you have to go on your gut feeling the relationship. I do not encourage sleepovers with my teens, because I think it can very soon become a regular weekly thing (or more) and it allows a very intimate close serious relationship to develop, which may not be right for them. I know they have sex, I give them space and don’t go barging in their rooms etc when boyfriends/girlfriends are over, I just prefer them to go home to their own houses at night!! I’m just not comfortable with full on relationships for 16-17 years olds. I have allowed the occasional sleepover in longer relationships but with the caveat it’s not be a regular thing. My son had a girlfriend of around a year and they had an occasional night at hers and occasional at mine. My daughters last boyfriend she asked to stay at his just before her 17th they’d been together a few months, for reasons I won’t go into here I didn’t want to encourage the relationship to be too intense and he wasn’t right for my daughter long term, My gut was right as less than a Month after I declined the sleepover they broke up. You have to question how many teens you could have through your doors sleeping over. Having married the man I met at 15, who want really right for me and we ultimately divorced, I encourage my kids not to get tied down too young and on that basis I don’t want a whole throng of different partners sleeping over. My sons at uni now and he can shag away to his hearts content in his accommodation.

Daysie · 09/01/2024 11:25

If you know they're already intimate then what are you trying to protect her from?

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