WWYD- DD wants to stay at her Boyfriends

[ton181]

DD has been with her BF for 5 months and asked me (male) if she could stay overnight at his house (DD16 and BF 17, were same school year). Im male and my partner is female. My partner is all for it, however Im not, Id rather she wait until their relationship has a little longevity. Ive told her once she turns 17 she can stay over. They both tell me this isnt the olden days you know. Im no prude and know they are already intimate; am I wrong to try and protect her?

His parents have already agreed she can stay at their house, and he seems a nice well mannered young man.

Your thoughts? WWYD

Crikey I had my own place at her age! I regularly had boyfriend/s staying over. She's an adult, let her do what she wants

Thank you bootthebox, you have mentioned some pregnancy things I need to discuss with DD and get some answers / clarity on.

Also, thank you to all those that have responded. Quite a mix of opinions.

I have a wonderful, open and hopefully mostly honest relationship with my DD, we raised her right, to be polite and respectful. I couldnt be more proud of her.

For the lady who called me controlling, WTF. Shes 16 and I am responsible for her in the eyes of the law, she cant marry, drive a car, drink alcohol or go to war. I am not a friend, I am a parent, when she turns 18 we can be friends.

Thanks again

You are not legally classed as an adult until you are 18; but thanks for taking the time to respond

Once my children were in sixth form I found it very difficult to ‘not let them’ do anything. I’ve been flamed on here before for saying this but my very well-behaved children would’ve just ignored me if I’d said they couldn’t sleep over somewhere that they wanted to sleep. By Year 12 they had an opinion on what were reasonable expectations of them and what were not. They respected my home, had part time jobs, worked very hard at sixth form etc and obviously felt that they were mature enough to have ownership over certain decisions like stopping at somebody’s house. I told DD at 17 I didn’t want her to go to a festival and I remember her saying I appreciate that Mum but I’m still going! I really don’t think you can ‘stop’ them doing things as such at this age. Just equip them with the knowledge to stay safe etc and remind them constantly that you are always there to pick them up or help them if they need it.

@ton181 I think them knowing that if caught early enough a termination is just taking some tablets as opposed to a surgical procedure means they are probably more likely to test early rather than leaving it and waiting for their period to arrive which may never come. I hope my post came across as supportive and informative. Hopefully she understands the costs involved in having a baby, the £1k a month nursery fees, the not being able to go out with her friends at the drop of a hat etc. I am lucky that I have a young nephew so Ds1 at 15 was wrestling a wriggly toddler out of their clothes to have a bath, it was a great baptism of fire, he was exhausted and he only played with him for 5 hours.

I don't think you are controlling, this point in their lives is a minefield, old enough in law to have sex but not old enough to have a mortgage or rent a property the usual way. It is hard.

how long till she's 17? They already have the opportunity to sleep over at his house, it's not going to massively inconvenience them to not stay at yours till then (since that's the age you've said). It's playing at being adults really, to expect to be treated as if you are fully an adult while still living at home and being supported (in various ways) by your parents.
I can only imagine agreeing to this if the bf/gf lived at a distance so it was helpful from that point of view.

If you already know they’ve been intimate what difference does it make if she stays over night or not at this point?

Similar conversations in my house and we've said 17. Partly because my eldest was only allowed at 18 but choice of first boyfriend and lockdowns contributed to the later age.

That said with good reason I might allow a sleepover at the BF house.

I find some of the responses here quite odd and hope they don’t have older teens.

The idea that having a sleepover accelerates a relationship unnecessarily, or virtually guarantees a teenage pregnancy…

They’re 16/17. This is probably their first serious relationship and probably their first sexual one. How this is managed by the parents can be a massive influence in how future, more serious relationships are experienced.

Acknowledge the depth of their feelings, that to them the relationship is serious and meaningful. Obviously cover contraception, sexual health, consent, respect etc. Lay down house rules - ok she wants to go to his but it works both ways, I don’t want to hear them having sex, see them wandering around in undies, be kept awake by them chatting and giggling. Respect the house rules. No weekday sleepovers in term time, no consecutive nights which might turn into having a lodger!

I do not believe allowing them the opportunity to spend a night together creates artificial intensity. Crikey, they just want to snuggle, watch movies, not have to get up and go when they get to that lovely sleepy cuddly part of the evening.

Knowing their parents respect them and their decisions, accept their boy/girlfriend, have expectations of behaviour and attitudes towards each other is very powerful. Respect and understanding breeds respect and understanding.

If in sixth form they are older 16 year olds anyway, and should be allowed the opportunity to explore relationships in a mature and responsible way.

When I was 16 I thought I was this grown woman, I worked full time paid my rent and went out a lot and my parents also let my then boyfriend stay over - now I am an actual grown women (38) I see kids at that age and I still see babies !!! I get where you’re coming from however, you confirmed they’ve left school and he’s a lovely lad and you’ve had lots of chats around sex etc I’d say let her stay make her aware if anything happens and she wants to come home you will be there to get her - good luck 🤞🏻

The flip side of this is that if you don't allow your DD to stay at BF's she may well do so anyway whilst telling you she's staying over with a female friend. Your can't really be arranging sleepovers between parents for teens aged 16+. Lying will damage her relationship with you both, and leaves her more vulnerable if she does ever want to come home urgently for some reason.

DD recently asked me for permission for her boyfriend to stay overnight and although she is 18, I didn't agree to it because of her age.

I agreed to it because I have got to know the boy and he is respectful, polite and a good house guest. With younger teens around the house, I needed to make sure of this whether they are 18, 20 or 16.

Longevity wise, they had only been together 2 months but friends for a while and I could tell it was not a casual fling. I have 4 teens and wouldnt be happy no matter what age to allow casual flings coming and going, the kids I hope would respect and understand that. A 5 months relationship I think would be more than casual but just giving you my parameters.

I do have younger teens dating and it hasn't come up yet, but I would apply similar if asked, although of course the younger they are, the trickier.

I hope this helps a bit. It's tricky navigating these things.....

Ps I also agree with the advice to let him stay at yours first. Dd only went to stay at his after quite a few times him staying here and stull much prefers him to come and stay here. I think she has only been for a sleepover at his once.

At 18 I used to lie to my parents when I was actually with my 27 year old bf. Not great. At all.

Now I have my own Y12 16 dd we are much more open. Her Y12 16 bf has stayed in the spare room on a couple of occasions after I communicated with his mum. So much healthier. They are very respectful young people and genuinely seem to care for one another. I let them have some space to grow.

No chance.

@Scutterbug

he knows they're already having sex.

'@ton181

You're doing the right thing.

There's no need to intensify their relationship, she's 16, tell her it might not be 'the olden days' but your still her Dad & you love her & care about her & she doesn't need to be sleeping overnight with her boyfriend at 16, plenty time for that!

and of course you'll know where she is. she'll be at home, in her own bed where 16 year olds should be!!

I presume as you know they're having sex, you've made sure she's on reliable contraception (injections are good for teenagers) and they're using condoms. They don't need her to get pregnant. She'll be the one having the termination or bringing up a baby, her whole future changed, not him.

I wouldn't allow a 17 boy year old to drive my car let alone sleep in a bed with my 16 yo daughter. I'd be speaking to his parents to make sure they understand that she doesn't have my permission to stay over. If they want to have 'sex' they can fumble around in the afternoons or whenever they find time as a pp said.

@Titchyfeep

shes comfortable & safe in her own bed at home.

its not about sex, it's about intensifying their relationship it's not a good idea at 16.

@MrsPCR

your mum did the right thing. She was protecting you. Giving you space to grow up. Not giving you the green light at 16 to be in a more adult relationship.

i wanted the same at 16, my mum was the same (my Dad would have hit the roof)

it wasn't until I was much older I could see why they felt that way