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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Son punched a hole in his headboard this morning

109 replies

cindylouho1 · 24/12/2023 10:02

So. My delightful 16 year old punched a hole in his headboard this morning.
My little girl ran into his room and woke him up shouting get up it's Christmas Eve! My son started shouting give me a minute.
I went into his room half hour later to see if he was getting up so he could open his Xmas Eve box and I seen the hole in his headboard. I asked him what happened and he told me he punched it because he was tired and angry.
This is the first time he's done anything like this.
He apologised and seemed genuinely apologetic.
I explained to him that's not on and he might need to speak to someone about his anger issues.
I've got £500 Christmas money put away for him tomorrow. Should I take money of it for a new bed so he knows he cant get away with destroying things I've worked hard for.
I don't want to have to do that but I can't let him think this is acceptable

Any advise?

OP posts:
fourelementary · 24/12/2023 10:06

No don’t use Xmas as a day to teach him a lesson. It’s pretty early to be woken up for a Xmas Eve box of all things as a teenager tbh. Maybe your dd has to learn that not everyone wants to do things with her at the same time and that her brother likes to sleep so that’s his Xmas treat.
He feels bad already- that’s good- he may have to live with the consequences of a broken headboard- is it dangerous? Will it impact the bed stability? Ask him later what he thinks should happen… ask him how he feels now and if he can think of how things could have gone better. Maybe he needs a punchbag or a safer outlet for those kinds of feelings…

but he doesn’t need shamed.

Dotcheck · 24/12/2023 10:08

I wouldn’t give him the money put aside. It’s too easy for him. Deal with it after Christmas, but tell him he has to replace or fix under his own steam.

ConnieCroydon · 24/12/2023 10:11

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Thelondonone · 24/12/2023 10:11

You should give him money and not use it for the headboard but I wouldn’t give a teenager £500-that’s madness. What will he do with it? I know clothes, etc. But £500 in cash seems a huge amount (maybe I’m a grinch).

Seeline · 24/12/2023 10:15

Your daughter should not be going into a 16 yo boy's room uninvited. They need their privacy.
16yo also need sleep - being woken like that is never going to go well.
No - don't make him pay for it out of his Christmas money. But I wouldn't be replacing it any time soon.

ChristmasSteps295 · 24/12/2023 10:16

I'd let it go, if it's a one off and he's very apologetic.

He doesn't need an entire new bed in any case. Not unless it's now structurally unsound.

Deathbyathousandcats · 24/12/2023 10:17

If it’s a one off I’d give him the benefit of the doubt.

Flamalotty · 24/12/2023 10:17

I agree that your daughter should know boundaries and not be running into his room. Talk to him about it after Christmas. I also agree that £500 is a lot for a teen to be given but don’t use Christmas as a punishment. You never know, he may choose to replace it himself with that money.

flowerchild2000 · 24/12/2023 10:17

He was genuinely sorry. Don't make it worse. Is his hand okay?

sprigatito · 24/12/2023 10:21

My youngest did this at the same age. He has never ever hurt a person, and that was the only time he ever punched anything (he's nearly 20 now), he's not a violent person at all. In his case he was incredibly stressed and lots of pent-up energy, it all just boiled over. He was mortified that he'd done it.

Don't punish him for it, it's the teenage equivalent of a toddler tantrum and punishing him will be similarly unhelpful. I gave mine a massive hug, called him a muppet and we had a really long talk about all the crap that had been building up in his head.

BingoMarieHeeler · 24/12/2023 10:21

Daughter shouldn’t be running into 16 year old’s bedroom - he needs sleep and he could have been up to anything tbh. His attitude sounds good actually - genuinely sorry. I’m sure you’re not your best self if you’ve been ripped from sleep either.

Wowzel · 24/12/2023 10:23

I wouldn't give him the money now, his behaviour was awful.

Honeychickpea · 24/12/2023 10:23

While I don't condone the violence, no 16 yr old wants a Christmas Eve box, and they certainly don't want to be woken early to open a box of tat. Rein in your younger child.

ActDottie · 24/12/2023 10:26

At 16 does he really need a Christmas Eve box? I can see why he wasn’t excited to get out of bed.

I don’t think his sister should be running into his bedroom either. He’s 16 now and needs privacy.

As for the money I think £500 is excessive anyway! So I’d take some away but only because £500 imo is madness to give a 16 year old for Christmas.

stealthninjamum · 24/12/2023 10:28

How old is your daughter? I think there’s an age at which they can’t control their impulses but this will be a good time to teach her to respect his privacy.

I think I’m going to be the only one who thinks he should pay for it from his Christmas money. If you were only going to give him £100 and this meant he got nothing I wouldn’t feel the same way but I imagine he’ll still get £200 which is more than I’ve spent on my teens.

Redwinesalt · 24/12/2023 10:31

He can stick a poster over the bed. He's done something daft but don't wreck his Xmas as a punishment.

Mumoftwo1312 · 24/12/2023 10:33

I think he'd appreciate a lock on his door as a Christmas present!

But destroying furniture in a rage is never OK - if he did this in anger at a partner when he's older, it's on the spectrum of domestic violence.

Redwinesalt · 24/12/2023 10:33

Are you literally giving him £500 in cash? That's unusual as opposed to buying stuff.. teen wants do quickly add up to £500

Original poster
cindylouho1 · 24/12/2023 10:34

@Redwinesalt yes im transferring him the money over in the morning.
I've bought him aftershave, boxers, slippers etc.

OP posts:
spriots · 24/12/2023 10:36

I would ask him what he thinks a reasonable consequence for this behaviour is - it's a tip I picked up from somewhere or other and, to my surprise, my kids usually come up with something reasonable.

Invisimamma · 24/12/2023 10:38

Your dd shouldn't be going into his room without being invited. He needs his privacy.

He shouldn't of punched his headboard, but he already feels bad about that. Don't take the Christmas money, work out a way that he can make it up after Christmas.

Have a chat with your dd about not barging into her brother's room.

Nosleepforthismum · 24/12/2023 10:38

I wouldn’t go too hard on him, he’s genuinely sorry and it’s out of character. However, actions have consequences so I would explain you are withholding £100 from his Christmas money to go towards the repair of his headboard and he can save up the rest if he wants it to be fixed.

QuillBill · 24/12/2023 10:39

Get him a door wedge for his door so he can keep it closed.

Obviously it's not great that he's punched his headboard. But to jump to a punishment so he knows he 'can't get away with' it seems an overreaction.

I agree with the Pepsi and Shirley poster.

I'm assuming you are returning your daughter's Christmas presents too for waking her brother.

ConnieCroydon · 24/12/2023 10:39

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Alakaza · 24/12/2023 10:40

Punching it isn’t great but the punishment would be too much, especially at christmas, a talk about how it’s not a great way to take out anger, maybe a boxing bag to take it out in a none dangerous way and it sounds like in the new year it’s time for a tiny lock, easy enough to break in if he had an emergency but to keep small siblings out of his room.