Dd 14, refusing to take lunch to school

[LadyGaGasPokerFace]

I’m having an issue with dd who’s 14 next week (Year 9) and she’s refusing to make and take lunch with her to school. She usually makes her lunch the night before, but has refused to make it and now even if I make it, she won’t go in the fridge to retrieve it to take in. I messaged her tutor who suggested she could take her lunch to the tutor’s office, but this lasted two days and we’re back to square one.
So, she will come home and trough through the pantry and dinner is snaffled up. She will eat breakfast too before we leave, but this is at 7.45am and then she gets in at 4.30pm, which to me is long time without food.

Any ideas? I’m erring on the side of not making a big fuss, but it’s really making me worry 😬 it’s think she can’t concentrate much with an empty belly, but Tutor mentioned that dd wants to just get on with her school work at lunchtime.

THIS!! Very much this!!
Throughout the majority of high school I stopped taking packed lunches and would either get something at the cafeteria if I really needed it or go without - I wasn't ever particularly hungry ever at school unless it was that time of the month to be honest hahaha!

Thinking back I was probably the same age as your DD when I went really off of them. PP mentioning warm lunchbox tasting food is insanely accurate!

When I worked in our local high school, very few pupils took in packed lunches. A few went to the canteen but the vast majority went down town to the chip shop, Subway etc or went home.

We had this and also went the snack routine.

We had two issues, late break (after 11am) and late lunch (1.30pm) so she wasn't hungry at lunch when she bought a panini or similar at break. Also, no time to eat as the queues were long and she had to come from the other end of the building and lunch is only 45 minutes.

Taking a cool bag was definitely everything but cool.

So she had decent snack food, for a while she took cold chocolate milk in a chily-style bottle. Some fruit, homemade muffins.

We had a food issue but that was all part of her anxiety triggered by her ASD. So we made sure she had decent and nutrious food for main meals at home and reduced the junk food.

Taking lunch is embarrassing for them. Dd at the most might take a bottle of water and a packet of mini cheddars but taking a lunchbox with a sandwich and bits in is very lame. To be fair most of them don’t eat at lunchtime as can’t be bothered to queue. She might buy a bacon roll or fruit pot at morning break but often just eats at 4 when she gets home then again at 6. As long as she has breakfast and takes a drink just roll with it it’s what they do!

I wouldn't worry, ds in yr 9 takes a can of pop, crisps and chocolate bar. Says he'd rather play football at lunch. He comes home and certainly makes up for it. Eats healthy family meals and often has sandwiches, noodles, salad, raw veggies etc to snack on. He's fit and a healthy weight.

I don't think I ever ate lunch at secondary school or breakfast for that matter. I wouldn't of took a packed lunch as that was embarrassing and the lines where to long to buy food and I had a fear of dropping my tray infront of everyone . I think I'd munch through some crisps and chocolate during lesson times on occasion, hiding them in my coat pocket. Even now I don't take lunch to work with me I hate eating infront of people. I think this stuff is quite common. Sometimes people are just weird me included I don't think everything is always an issue and making a fuss about it can sometimes turn it into one

Just what I was thinking. It's not cool to be taking a pack up into school. My mum couldn't afford school meals for me when our free school meals were stopped. So at 11 I went home and sorted my own dinner out. Was a bit of a rush lived a 15 minute walk each way and our break was cut to 45 minutes. A lot of kids used to go to a local pie shop. But some schools no longer allow this.

How about a snack bar? I personally can't stand sandwiches which have sat in my bag so take a granola bar and an apple to work

My dc don’t eat lunch at lunchtime as they want to do work or extracurricular clubs. They will usually take something to eat in break time but if they don’t I’m not going to make it into a battle, especially when their eating is fine otherwise.

Have you talked to her about why? Say you won't be angry, but is there a reason, and is there something you can give her that she will eat.

I hated packed lunches. I really struggle to eat anything from a packed lunch even now. It's something about the smell. I can be really hungry and I open that box and my appetite goes. Stupid really.
I'm also poor if I feel under pressure to eat, so the more people talk about it the harder it is to eat, so ask her and leave it if she can't give an answer.

Anyway, at one point dm used to send me with one digestive biscuit and a drink because if I took that, I ate it (and I remember even that being an effort). If I took more, then I ate nothing, so she reckoned it was better I ate that than nothing. I didn't eat breakfast either, so I would be going through to about 4pm with nothing at times.

Ask her if there is anything she'll eat. In the 6th form I used to take a box filled with cornflakes, for example. An energy bar might be something she feels she can eat.
Give her a small amount of something she can eat, even if it's a snack and then have something when she gets in. I used to have baked beans on toast when I got in often, and then dinner later.

I never had dinner at school because the veggie options were crap. I'd be in the library doing my homework instead, to save me doing it at home.

My DD was exactly like this at 14. The added bonus with her is she refused to eat anything apart from Southern fried chicken, oven chips, peas and sweetcorn for her evening meal.

I got so worried that I ended up taking her to the GP. She explained that teenagers taste buds are changing (like the rest of them) and try not to worry.

But what did work was making sure she had a good breakfast in the mornings. She would have the following: a bowl of cereal, with full fat milk, a probiotic yougurt drink, a multi vitamin tablet and a French/Danish pastry to run out the door with if she still wanted it.

I stopped making sandwiches, pasta etc and got her cereal bars and multi packs of her favourite snacks.

The GP also stated that she was getting more nutrition and minerals in her breakfast that some teenagers wouldn't eat in a week.

It lasted about a year and then one day came home and decided that she wanted a chicken curry for her tea.

I nearly cried.

I agree with @MargaretThursday and others, talk to her about why.
And if anything can be done at all.

I have the opposite problem of ds2 not having enough time, in between gobbling up a massive sandwich 🥪 and all other home food taken, whilst playing football at every opportunity!

I’m glad I’m not alone and that other teens don’t take in a lunch.

The older friend is Year 10 and autistic. She has her lunch in the quiet study area and is allowed to. They study together and talk about the same interests, history and geography.

I’ve bought some cereal bars and snacks to take with her.

It started with her not having anyone to sit with. Her other friend would sit with others and she felt too shy/scared to join in. Her confidence has never been great especially in friendships. Her schoolwork is very good and she does all her homework and goes into school happy.

I genuinely cannot remember my teens taking lunch to school but they had cereal at breakfast and ate as soon as they were home . My daughter developed eating disorder at Uni but ok now.
The fact that she is open about not taking lunch suggests to me that unlikely to be eating disorder.

This sounds a bit like me. I didn't have an 'eating disorder' as such. It was never about calorie counting, I just hated eating in front of people. I could eat at home with family but not at school,(or anywhere else really) unless it was 'easy food' such as a cookie I could break up. Textures were a big thing too so dry, snacky food was best. I had high anxiety, and I'm still not sure why, but it came out in controlling how I ate. I had rules over which foods I could eat, with who and when. Hopefully it isn't the same thing, but if it is hopefully it helps you and her to know there is someone else in the world who has felt the same thing.

OP, haven't read the full thread but wanted to suggest you adopt the approach I took with my toddlers. Hear me out!

When they scared the life out of me by skipping a meal, I looked at the overall nutritional content intake over that 24 hour period. To my surprise, they were making the correct amount they needed. I wonder if you could use this approach on your 14-year-old daughter? If she is eating well at breakfast and in the evening, it may will be she's having enough calorific intake to be sufficient for her age. If she is, no harm done. But if she isn't, then it may be necessary to gently explore further. Either way, to take a considered approach is definitely the right way forward, which is what you've done by starting this thread!

Oh, and, it goes without saying that any calorie counting should be done covertly rather than teaching your teenager to worry about calories! But you know that already.

It's the minority that have eating disorders and they eat very little at home too. If she eats a lot at home. Then it's just being nerdy or long queues. The state system is a nightmare. Too many kids.
She might eat something at break like toast. Send in snacks. She must have lots of friends and is talking to them.

Maybe she's embarrassed to be having a packed lunch? Does anyone else in her year also bring a packed lunch?

My dd used to be like this, I ended up giving her a cereal bar, satsuma and a packet of crisps to take with her. After a while I added a sausage roll and a few other bits but as a result I can feed her almost anything, inc lots of healthy stuff for tea as she really hungry when she gets home. I do insist she has a decent breakfast and a glass of OJ with a multi vitamin before school

My daughter did this! Totally weird, never got to the bottom of it but she eventually grew out of it and she’s a healthy weight with no other eating issues.

Maybe stick some snacks in her bag that she can graze on between classes and during breaks.

DD(13,year 9) doesn't eat a proper lunch. Doesn't eat breakfast either! She will usually buy something small, if her friends are queuing (she gets FSM but hates the cafeteria and the lunch shack doesn't do full meals) and has recently starting taking a small lunch at my insistence (if I make it and hand it to her), but it's really a couple of snacks. She eats a big dinner and she's a healthy weight, so while it's frustrating I've just let her get on with it.

My 14yo switches between occasionally taking or buying lunch and some days won't have anything all day. It's a good school but lunch is busy with hardly any seats left and long queueing so they often miss out if they're late out of lesson.