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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Dd 14, refusing to take lunch to school

104 replies

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 17/09/2023 23:24

I’m having an issue with dd who’s 14 next week (Year 9) and she’s refusing to make and take lunch with her to school. She usually makes her lunch the night before, but has refused to make it and now even if I make it, she won’t go in the fridge to retrieve it to take in. I messaged her tutor who suggested she could take her lunch to the tutor’s office, but this lasted two days and we’re back to square one.
So, she will come home and trough through the pantry and dinner is snaffled up. She will eat breakfast too before we leave, but this is at 7.45am and then she gets in at 4.30pm, which to me is long time without food.

Any ideas? I’m erring on the side of not making a big fuss, but it’s really making me worry 😬 it’s think she can’t concentrate much with an empty belly, but Tutor mentioned that dd wants to just get on with her school work at lunchtime.

OP posts:

redskytonights · 18/09/2023 11:48

My DS did the same. He didn't eat breakfast either. He'd eat a normal amount of food during the day, just all after 3.30pm. He'd have a big snack when he got in and then I used to give him big portions of dinner.

It doesn't sound like there's anything more worrying behind it, so maybe just let her get on with eating as she wants to eat?

MissInterpretation · 18/09/2023 11:53

Mine are both like this. DS15 will eat a piece of bread and a packet of crisps from his packed lunch, and then fill up when he gets home. DS11 has just started secondary, never liked eating around others in primary (totally understandable in my experience of going on school trips with the rabble) and brings his lunchbox home untouched. Again, he fills up once he's home and relaxed. It's a pain, but they'll live. Try not to worry too much @LadyGaGasPokerFace

user1471522343 · 18/09/2023 11:55

If you have ruled out concerns of eating disorders and bullying just leave her to it. Not everything has to be a battle or a drama.

Saturdaygirl01 · 18/09/2023 12:10

My dd was like this. There was
no food provided at school so it was packed lunch or nothing. She was really fussy about what she took until she didn’t want to take anything at all. I always packed a drink and a snack eg crisps or something which she sometimes ate but she always ate as soon as she got home.

I think some of it was about not liking to eat certain things in front of other pupils in case they commented which seems daft to me as it wasn’t egg sandwiches but it was important to her.

Mythicalcreatures · 18/09/2023 12:20

My ds does this, I just leave him to it, I did try smoothies in a small flask worked for about 2 weeks. There's plenty food at home if he changes his mind, he has got some money on his school card plus he has money on his bank card.

GingerIsBest · 18/09/2023 12:27

I think this is quite common. It's worth keeping an eye on it, but if she's eating at home, I'd be less concerned. Agree with PP that perhaps a protein bar or similar that she can have to hand to nibble on if she gets peckish. DS can be a bit like this so I try now to make sure that his "snack" when he gets home is closer to what he might eat for lunch, if he's decided NOT to have lunch at school that day. Sometimes he'll just eat the sandwich he was suppose dot have for lunch but sometimes I'll stick a jacket potato in the microwave/airfryer, or make him some gyoza or offer him some leftovers. He tends to ALSO eat a protein/granola bar when he walks through the door too. I also keep cut up fruit in the fridge as, except for bananas, he won't eat fresh fruit as a rule but will eat fruit salad. weirdo.

Also, a lot of people eat like this. I am not like this but I've worked with lots and lots of people who just get busy and distracted and don't eat anything between breakfast and mid afternoon - and then often it's something light - followed by their main dinner. I also think it's worth mentioning that many of these people have remained slim while I have struggled with my weight my entire adult life.

Emmski44 · 18/09/2023 12:36

My 13 year old twins don't eat lunch at school and haven't for about 6 months - there are lots of reasons for it, but the main one seems to be that they don't like eating in front of other people. There are also some body confidence issues. You can't make them eat at school - I tried all sorts, so I just talk to mine and gently encourage them to think about eating lunch and remind them that not eating/drinking when you need to is a form of self harm. there is always money on their lunch accounts, they have a decent breakfast and healthy snacks when they get home from school. I am hoping mine grow out of it...

samsswampy · 18/09/2023 12:53

My DD wouldn’t eat her lunch at school as she was worried about needing the toilet in the afternoon. She always took it with her and ate it on the way home. She is the same if she has a dance show and won’t eat all day

trampoline123 · 18/09/2023 12:53

I remember going through a phase of hating people (other than my family) see me eat incase they thought I was fat. Honestly, so silly looking back because I wasn't fat in the slightest.

I personally would try and not make a big deal out of it, make sure the food card has money on it, and even if she takes a cereal bar and a bit of fruit or something to tide her over until she gets home. Get some nice healthy snacks for when she gets in to nibble before dinner.

I was a nightmare with food from about the age of 8 to 15/16 - am fine now and love food.

Saturdaygirl01 · 18/09/2023 12:54

When I worked in a school I found a lot of the pupils didn’t eat breakfast and then ate at break time at 11am and didn’t eat lunch at all. It just seemed to suit their body clock.

trampoline123 · 18/09/2023 12:54

Or take her food shopping with you and let her decide what she takes.

actualpuffins · 18/09/2023 15:19

Yes, I was going to say she could perhaps fill up at break.

I spent two years of school allegedly having either school dinner or a packed lunch but just buying chocolate and crisps from the machine/tuck shop and eating that, most of the time, as I couldn't be arsed queuing for half an hour and would rather eat quietly in the form room with a few friends.

It wasn't ideal and I did gain weight (was eating a lot of crap at home too) but nothing too bad and I lost a stone when I went to sixth form college and had a nice canteen and more healthy meals.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/09/2023 15:22

Are you also picking your dd up? You could have snacks in the car for when you collect - if you do. Or suggest she eats something quickly at break like some toast or a sausage roll etc. Not the most nutritious.

heyitsthistle · 18/09/2023 15:26

When I was 15 I kept forgetting to take my lunch to school, so my mum stopped making it (fair). I just got used to not eating at school. I wasn't really hungry until I got home from school anyway. Is she eating at home?

Maplestars · 18/09/2023 15:29

Don’t force it, be light about it.
maybe it’s not cool to have packed lunches
maybe she can’t eat where she is studying
Maybe she’s self conscious of smelly/noisy food or eating when no one else is
maybe someone has made fun of her
maybe she’s really not hungry
maybe she doesn’t like bashed and warm food that’s been in a box all day or the eating arrangement
There could be a million reasons

id work with her to find out if eating is a no, but maybe drinking a smoothie would be ok?
or if a packed lunch isn’t ok, would a protein bar in her bag ‘just in case’ work? What about fruit?
figure out what part of the packed lunch she doesn’t like and why, and see if there’s something that works within her parameters
since she’s eating at home i would just assume it’s environmental and mostly leave her to it

PrincessScarlett · 18/09/2023 15:52

My daughter is the same. Stopped eating lunch in year 8. I have tried not to make a big deal about it but am monitoring her eating habits. She eats breakfast and dinner most days. Says she doesn't have time for lunch at school but will often skip lunch at weekends and holidays.

We've compromised and she'll take in half a sandwich or some fruit or crisps in case she does get hungry. Sometimes it gets eaten but mostly not. There's an awful lot of peer pressure at this age.

Retrogamer · 18/09/2023 15:54

It probably isn't the situation op but I did this same at that age. I had this overwhelming fear of eating in school. I also had a fear of being sick so never ate anything because of that. I'd eat fine at home with family or on my own. My mum would make me sandwiches and I would give it to someone else or I would bin it.
Have you tried asking her directly why?

Edit: Sorry, I wasn't 14 - I was 10 at the time so different year completely.

rhino12345 · 18/09/2023 15:54

I never ate at senior school. No particular reason but just didn't eat. Is it that big of a problem? I think going to her teacher is massively overstepping - she's 14 and should be able to decide what she does about food imo.

smooththecat · 18/09/2023 15:55

Oh god, this reminds me of me. I’m a full grown adult and I still struggle to eat lunch at work. I can’t face using the shared fridge, I don’t eat any of the lunch stuff in shops, the canteen doesn’t have anything I would eat. I used to get by with bananas but the dentist told me to stop eating them. Once I have a new job I might have somewhere I can leave an insulated container and that may work for me. Full disclosure, I was like this at a school and it did develop into a full-blown eating disorder, but I’m now okay as long as I can eat my own food.

smooththecat · 18/09/2023 15:57

Yeah, it also doesn’t help that school makes eating a hugely stressful situation. When I went to school in France I was fine and the culture around food was very different.

Hankunamatata · 18/09/2023 16:12

My older child won't take lunch for school, won't eat in school as he won't risk needing to go to the toilet for a poop. Iv given up. He eats decent breakfast and then eats as soon as he gets in so not end of the world.

Goggleb0x · 18/09/2023 16:17

My daughter and niece are both year 9 and don’t eat at school. My daughter says she dislikes it as she feels watched. So as long as she has breakfast and eats food after school that’s fine with me.

NewFriendlyLadybird · 18/09/2023 16:22

My daughter hates the canteen at her school — too big, noisy and overwhelming— but it’s difficult to find somewhere else where she’s allowed to eat. A couple of teachers have started opening up their classrooms for groups to eat lunch, chat and/or do homework and that seems to work. The key thing is that there are a few of them doing it.

NKffffffffa5a69b22X11e94391f75 · 18/09/2023 16:24

It seems like it's quite typical for some but this is how my DD 's eating disorder started so I'd be keeping a very close eye. It's also good to be aware that not all eating disorders neatly fit into a box, like anorexia or bulimia. Eg my DD will wolf down sweet, 'fattening' things. She has her own rules on what she'll eat, that don't look like anorexia or bulimia.

There are 2 things I wish I had known about eating disorders -

it's best to start treatment as early as possible and you have to get a referral from your GP so if you're concerned about eating disorders don't wait thinking it will improve on its own (and then have to wait 4 weeks for a GP appt like I did)
having an eating disorder doesn't mean you look skeletally thin, you can be any weight to have disordered eating so 'looking ok' doesn't mean they are ok

Hopefully your DD is just in the typical teenager range of eating patterns but my post might help someone reading, so I thought I'd put my experience down.

Flakey99 · 18/09/2023 16:24

My DS 14 also won’t take or eat lunch at school even though he’ll happily eat a big-ish lunch at the weekend.

I ensure he has a water bottle and a dry snack and leave him to it.

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