Dd 14, refusing to take lunch to school

[LadyGaGasPokerFace]

I’m having an issue with dd who’s 14 next week (Year 9) and she’s refusing to make and take lunch with her to school. She usually makes her lunch the night before, but has refused to make it and now even if I make it, she won’t go in the fridge to retrieve it to take in. I messaged her tutor who suggested she could take her lunch to the tutor’s office, but this lasted two days and we’re back to square one.
So, she will come home and trough through the pantry and dinner is snaffled up. She will eat breakfast too before we leave, but this is at 7.45am and then she gets in at 4.30pm, which to me is long time without food.

Any ideas? I’m erring on the side of not making a big fuss, but it’s really making me worry 😬 it’s think she can’t concentrate much with an empty belly, but Tutor mentioned that dd wants to just get on with her school work at lunchtime.

What does or doesn't she like about eating at school? Can she have school dinners instead?

My daughter is in the same year group and she’s the same. She has breakfast in the morning and will just take a drink to school with her. She has said they have five lessons a day, and four are before lunch so she says she okay waiting one lesson before home time to eat.

My daughter did this all the way through year 10&11. No harm came to her. She ate when she got in. She’s now at college and does pretty much the same but does take a couple of cereal bars with her.

Sorry if I’ve missed it, but have you asked her why?

I didn't eat a proper breakfast or eat lunch at school for years when I was at secondary school. I was never thin (I wasn't fat but I was borderline chunky) and definitely didn't have an eating disorder. I ate like a cross between the Very Hungry Caterpillar and Cookie Monster at home. Basically, I hated making and carrying in a packed lunch, but all my friends took packed lunches and I didn't want to eat in the canteen without them like Norma No-Mates so I just skipped it. I spent my dinner money on magazines, Panini stickers and cans of Diet Coke instead.

I realise that wasn't ideal or even particularly rational but I turned out OK. And academically, I was a very high achiever. So while I think you should definitely keep an eye on your daughter's eating in general, I certainly wouldn't make lunch at school the hill to die on. The idea of taking a snack or a protein shake is a good one.

I do think it's unusual that she wants to study with one older friend during her lunch break and that while she has 'pockets' of friends she doesn't want to hang out with them, though. Is it possible she has a bit of a crush on the 'friend'?

My DS is the same. In fact, they eat nothing until they get home.

We had a chat, I said I would rather they ate regularly and pick healthy options. They are old enough to make choices. They are not allowed free access to graze snacks and the fridge when they get home. We have agreed some options.

We have dinner at 7pm.

Not ideal, I don't worry about it.

My year 10 son doesn't eat much at school. He's too busy playing football. It seems he's eating more in year 10 than year 9 though.
He comes home and scarfs down a load of food.
I've given him lots of options and then left it to him. He has a good breakfast. I'm not worried, but as we all need to do with our children - just keep an eye on worrying changing behaviour and over all health and keep communication channels open.

I never ate my packed lunch; I didn't like the taste of sandwiches that had been in a plastic box. I just ate the crips and fruit and chocolate. I genuinely didn't have a eating disorder but didn't want to upset my mum by telling her that I always put the sandwiches in the bin.

As long as you don't think your daughter has an eating disorder, perhaps just ignore the issue.

I never ate my packed lunch at school as I went to a club every lunch. I ate my lunch when I got home and then ate my dinner.

Nothing wrong with me, just didn't have time to waste at lunch eating.

My DD used to take lunch to school around the age of 14-15, but rarely ate it. She regularly did lunchtime clubs or extra time on studies relating to her GCSEs. However, she'd come home, open up her lunchbox and eat it.

Maybe you need to set some boundaries, ie if she's not eating whatever for lunch, that's whats available on her return home.

I stopped eating at school because friends I hung out with weren't eating - so I'd be by myself eating if I did inside canteen and then having to find them.

DD2 eats small things - mainly as her friends dislike canteens/outside area as overcrowded and noisy - so she eating while walking or under stairs standing in group or occasionally in a classroom where it has to be discreet.

DS going same way now at college - wanting portable very small items - I think he eats while his mate go to shops and buy food. He did eat in secondary though revision classes at lunch time did mean it was sometimes a struggle.

I wouldnt stress, my DS15 only takes some chicken bites and a chocolate bar but he eats fine at home. He just doesnt want to stand eating a sandwich or anything, I dont think it is the done thing these days. If she eats fine at home then I think this is just what they do now

she'd come home, open up her lunchbox and eat it

DS literally just come home and done exactly.

DD2 does it as well occasionally.

Alternative to cereal bars. Expensive. You could always makes really tasty protein balls out of chocolate honey coconut flakes oats but of oil low carb filling. And they freeze well. Get her involved as well. But keep an eye on the weight. It probably isn't disordered eating but it can be a gateway

I think if she's eating proper breakfast and when she gets in this is not such an issue.

Let her take something small and eat more before and after school.

I'd only worry if she was losing weight or restricting food overall.

My yr 10 wants things that he can eat quickly and then get on with the chatting ! I give him wraps and cake or bars - I chose stuff that’s got plenty of calories in a small amount . I’ve given up on fruit and veg other than at home

Maybe your daughter is worried about her weight and thinks that if she eats too much she'll get fat?

At that age I was worried about looking fat so stopped having school dinners and didn't bother with making a packed lunch either. Both my parents didn't take a packed lunch to work either and we soon accepted that no mid-day meal was the norm for us.

Is your daughter a reasonable weight for her age & height?

Don’t make a fuss just make sure she has a bottle of water and a protein bar in her bag and leave her a pack up in the fridge that she can tuck into after school while she waits for dinner.

I'm a teacher and have this issue with a few of the girls in my tutor group, although they are year 11. It does sound like there might be a reason she's not eating at school but there's a strong chance its not because of bullying, especially if you have a good relationship and you think she would have told you this. Bullying also usually comes with other changes in behaviour.

Not eating lunch might be what her friend/s do. Maybe she's embarrassed to eat in front of a boy she has a crush on. Maybe it's a trendy thing to do in her friendship group. If its a change in behaviour I would keep an eye on it. As a last resort pack something she can eat very quickly. Sadly, some of my students have been eating in the loos before because they are too embarrassed to eat in front of boys! I'm not sure why but that really can be a thing. I hope you resolve it! X

I don't remember taking lunch at this age an apple and a bag of crisps was just about my limit...I'd leave it for now if I was you and just offer snacks to grab on the way...hopefully if you play it down it won't become an issue..Good luck

Who's the older friend op?

I'd wonder if it's anxiety over school - how is she doing? Is the older friend influencing her do you think? How much older?

Tbh if she's having a decent breakfast I wouldn't worry.......I work in a physically demanding job and if its a 6am start only have something like a yogurt and banana around 9 to keep me going till I finish at 4. I find I feel sick if I eat too much as I'm on the go so much.......I definitely make up for it when I get home tho 🤣🤣🤣

@mynameiscalypso that was to be my reply more or less. I still struggle to eat in front of people, I am okay much of the time but occasionally I still just cannot do it. Same reasons you've given along with paranoia about being messy, missing my mouth etc-after a childhood of being berated for such things, force fed etc thanks Father

But if not-I'm with the 'she's 14 and knows when she's hungry' camp. Not everyone eats lunch. I don't always when WFH because I'd rather wait until after the day's over and cook/eat leisurely rather than cramming food in in the middle of the day when I could be doing something that'll make my day easier instead.

We had a phase of this. Protein milk drinks or yogurt pouches were the answer. Could be eaten in seconds or looked like a drink, kept her going. Plus a chocolate biscuit she could hide in her sleeve and eat quietly.

If she doesn't want to take her lunch, fine, don't make her. Have her make a lunch and leave it in the front of the fridge. If she gets home starving then that's what she gets to eat, NOT the things set aside for dinner.