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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd awful exam results - best parenting strategy?

128 replies

stirling · 20/07/2023 23:55

In your opinion or preferably experience please?
She's finished y10 and her predicted grades were all 9s and 8s based on the fact that she's in top set, FFT grades high as she did exceptionally well in primary (I worked with her a lot throughout primary ). But the phone addiction , social media addiction is horrendous and it's the only thing I can say has led her to achieve shockingly bad results and emails of disappointment from her teachers too about her disorganisation.

She says she feels bad about her results and yet doesn't want limitations on her phone.
Parenting books suggest leaving teens to make their own choices, not rescuing them. Even if it means they get lower grades and outcomes in their future.

It just pains me so much to do that though. I wouldn't mind if she was average. She's so bright and it's all wasted . Plus she loathes her appearance and that's 100% down to social media.

Would you leave her to it or set restrictions for year 11 against her will?
Thank you, sorry to ramble on

OP posts:
Bluesheeps · 21/07/2023 00:01

I’d probably leave her to it for a bit to be honest. I’m not sure there’s really a way to discipline a 15 year old?
let her know her options, encourage her to get a part time job? Maybe get some support /help for the phone addiction?
if she’s smart she will find a way. Id suggest just gentle nudges in the right direction

Original poster
stirling · 21/07/2023 00:04

Thank you Bluesheeps

OP posts:
Livinghappy · 21/07/2023 00:05

I would help her, she is too young to know or really understand the impact.

If she has a phone addiction she will need help to break it

Mum1976Mum · 21/07/2023 00:06

I understand parents who leave teens to it on phones. They are still children FFS. Restrictions should never have been removed! Home then homework. Absolutely no phone until homework is done and checked. Phone goes downstairs at a decent time and stays there until they are down the next morning and ready for school. Surely this is common sense?

Mum1976Mum · 21/07/2023 00:07

Sorry, I DON’T understand…..typo

orangeleavesinautumn · 21/07/2023 00:08

Obviously help and support her to turn it around - you are the parent

noblegiraffe · 21/07/2023 00:09

Dear god if phone use is a problem, PLEASE put restrictions on it, especially if it is having such a big impact.

At a minimum, phone should be charged downstairs overnight and not in bedrooms.

Phones are designed to suck you in, to keep you there for as long as possible and to make you return. They design stuff like 'streaks', likes and follows to keep you coming back. Adults can't handle this. Of course she doesn't want any limitations but that doesn't mean she doesn't need them. Or that she might secretly welcome them.

Bluesheeps · 21/07/2023 00:11

I don’t know the best answer tbh, I don’t have a teenager. All I know is my teachers told my parents I was a lost cause at a similar (maybe a year or so older age). My parents didn’t feed that back to me at the time, but have since told me how much it stressed them watching me appear to just chill doing nothing in my own little world.
I surprised everyone with my exam results following crappy mocks. And tbh even to this day people seem to be surprised at my outputs…probably because I come across so laid back, don’t appear to take things too seriously.
the phone addiction thing is a separate issue though I think, obvs not a thing back in my day. I think you should try find support as to how best approach that

Original poster
stirling · 21/07/2023 00:11

Livinghappy and Mum1976Mum thank you. That's what my gut feeling is saying . She's still a child and her whole future could be affected.

Mum1976Mum I feel like I've lost the plot when it comes to parenting my teens. I'm constantly made to feel guilty for asserting any boundaries

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 21/07/2023 00:12

Parenting books suggest leaving teens to make their own choices, not rescuing them. Even if it means they get lower grades and outcomes in their future

You can use your judgment here. Letting her do something which could potentially impact her future ( which she wouldn’t truly understand for years) is very different to letting her wear a dodgy outfit or get a bad haircut.

Original poster
stirling · 21/07/2023 00:15

These replies are helping me so much. Glad I posted , might actually get some sleep tonight

OP posts:
Mum1976Mum · 21/07/2023 00:21

I think you just need to change things dramatically right now. Plan your course of action. Have a family meeting on Sunday, explain how things are going to be from now on and start Sunday night. I hope you have access to her phone? She could be looking at all sorts if not. Any misbehaviour or not doing the work she needs to do over the holiday results in less phone usage, cracking on will get her more rewards.

StarStarTeachMe · 21/07/2023 00:23

Might it be possible that she has ADHD? Presentation in bright females can often look very different than the typical hyper little boy you might imagine!

minipie · 21/07/2023 00:24

Get her to watch The Social Dilemma. And then restrict her phone use.

Original poster
stirling · 21/07/2023 00:30

Thank you minipie , I love that suggestion
Mum1976Mum very grateful for your direct no nonsense approach, this sort of guidance is actually what I was hoping for when I posted

StarStarTeachMe I have wondered that too ..

OP posts:
justasking111 · 21/07/2023 00:31

I took away the Xbox controller from DS at the beginning he kicked off. After a few days I gave it back, then he lapsed so I took it away again. After that he was okay. Used to give school his phone as well to study. He got to university and deliberately left his Xbox at home. He'd switch his phone off and put it in a drawer as well.

You've got ten months left to help your daughter. Both of you need to knuckle down.

CockSpadget · 21/07/2023 00:37

They really can be their own worst enemy at that age, and very few can make the right judgements around phones etc when it’s left up to them. You need to step in and make the call for her, she might (will) be pissed off about it now, but she will be grateful in the future.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 21/07/2023 00:37

Firstly remember that she can turn this around. A bad year 10 doesn't need to blight her whole life. Also, being very bright at primary can sometimes be a drawback - you don't have to work hard to achieve great results and maybe you don't learn the best work ethic.

So don't panic but take action. You are the adult here and you are worried and upset. Help her to control her phone usage by discussing when she will not have it by her. Her homework will be done much quicker if that is all she is concentrating on.

alpaca44 · 21/07/2023 00:37

Definitely add boundaries to phone use. Teens need as much help/guidance as possible. She won’t thank you in the future if it’s had a big impact on her grades and career prospects. I think it’s ok to let teens make some mistakes along the way but, in my view, this is too big an issue to sit back and do nothing. (Not speaking from experience as my kids are younger, just my opinion.)

Winter2020 · 21/07/2023 00:44

Hi OP,
My son is a little younger. Just finishing year 8.

I wonder if rather than focusing on the negative "you can't have your phone" type of approach it might help to focus on what your daughter should be doing. Hopefully this could be agreed with her.

So for example if she agreed that she should do 1 hour of homework or revision and then 1 hour before going to bed read a novel or subject book. So if she goes to bed at 10 she reads at 9 (hands in her phone) and can do this in bed or while still up. If she's not already done H/W or revision earlier she hands it in at 8 to do it before reading time. No giving back the phone before sleep. If she's not tired yet she can read.

Does she have any hobbies, musical instruments, sports etc. If she needs to practice these again agree roughly when and how long (e.g. daily 10 mins or twice week half hour) and prompt the practice.

What I'm getting at is keep her busy so there is less time for the phone and enforce that other activities happen. I would be wary of prolonged time on her phone alone or at night to avoid her going down any dark rabbit holes - better that she uses it with you around even if it is annoying to have tic toc blaring.

Everyone should talk to their teens about online bullying (from the point of view of writing unsuitable stuff themselves or receiving it) and everyone should talk to their teens about sexting and sharing indecent images. I speak quite openly about issues to my son but sometimes my husband feels he is too young for topics. I decided I must speak to him recently as it became apparent local teens were sharing indecent material and I discussed image sharing (people not being who they say they are and inciting images) and how it is illegal to possess and share underage images (people his age sexting) and if his friends sent him them if he sent them on he would be committing a serious crime. It would be a police matter. That he should tell a parent/teacher or immediately delete.

Sorry if I am teaching granny to suck eggs re the online safety stuff but it's just because kids today live in a very different world to what we were brought up in. With thectechnology they havd porn or sending/forwarding an indecent image (the consequences of which will haunt them) is just one click away. If you feel your teen is too young to discuss these issues then they are too young to use a phone unsupervised.

Mumtothreegirlies · 21/07/2023 00:44

as a mother of 10,13,17 year old girls I would say there’s no harm in setting up rules regarding phone use. My husband ended up smashing our eldest daughters (wouldn’t recommend!!) but the result was 6 months of a very different teenager. She went from a disengaged quiet unhappy teen to one that would hang out with us in the lounge and chat all night.

I don’t believe in controlling teenagers but when I was a teenager my mum was single and working all the time and had no control nor did she attempt to control me and I got completely lost. So I think finding a good balance, where You have open dialogue, you respect their thoughts and feelings, you don’t jump down their throat at the smallest thing and you pick your battles is the best way to raise them.

justasking111 · 21/07/2023 01:10

Re revision we set a timer for 40 minutes work then a 20 minute break to stretch his legs, eat, drink, etc. He also found listening to music while studying helpful.

SD1978 · 21/07/2023 01:42

With any other addiction- no parent would just leave them to it, I can never understand why a situation iso media addiction, and the MH affects this can have, isn't viewed universally in the same way. I would be restricting the use, because she doesn't have the capacity to reduce it herself. It's the role of people around you to help. There needs to be boundaries, and you are in a position you can help to do that and out proper supports in place. Do what you think is best, don't worry about other's opinions

Nellz · 21/07/2023 01:50

How does your daughter feel about the results?

If she's disappointed herself, now is a great time to put in place some of the boundaries suggested by PPs pitched as a "joint plan" or "agreement" - teens will respond better to this than to an imposition of rules!

Try to phrase it as "How can we best support you to..." and "I know you're mature enough to understand that..." etc

Good luck! As a teacher, I often see that Y10 results are a useful kick up the arse for students who are a bit complacent. Lots of them manage to turn it round.

user1477391263 · 21/07/2023 01:52

With any other addiction- no parent would just leave them to it, I can never understand why a situation iso media addiction, and the MH affects this can have, isn't viewed universally in the same way.

Phones are designed to suck you in, to keep you there for as long as possible and to make you return. They design stuff like 'streaks', likes and follows to keep you coming back. Adults can't handle this. Of course she doesn't want any limitations but that doesn't mean she doesn't need them. Or that she might secretly welcome them.

You need to go hardcore on the phone, OP. Get a lockup box and put devices in there when it's not a time she should be using them. If it were any other addictive substances, would you have just left her to it? Sorry to sound a bit harsh, but you do have to take some responsibility here; she is a minor and it was your job to look out for this stuff. You've got 10 months left to turn this around; talk to her and set some (tough) rules on devices, and stick to them.