Dd awful exam results - best parenting strategy?

[stirling]

In your opinion or preferably experience please?
She's finished y10 and her predicted grades were all 9s and 8s based on the fact that she's in top set, FFT grades high as she did exceptionally well in primary (I worked with her a lot throughout primary ). But the phone addiction , social media addiction is horrendous and it's the only thing I can say has led her to achieve shockingly bad results and emails of disappointment from her teachers too about her disorganisation.

She says she feels bad about her results and yet doesn't want limitations on her phone.
Parenting books suggest leaving teens to make their own choices, not rescuing them. Even if it means they get lower grades and outcomes in their future.

It just pains me so much to do that though. I wouldn't mind if she was average. She's so bright and it's all wasted . Plus she loathes her appearance and that's 100% down to social media.

Would you leave her to it or set restrictions for year 11 against her will?
Thank you, sorry to ramble on

Another vote for hardcore phone restrictions in these circs.

DS has also just finished year 10. We still have restrictions on our children's phones (13 & 15). They have time restrictions on apps and downtime over night. They also have to hand phones in overnight. It's going to be a tough year as DS yr 10 still struggles to motivate himself re revision and h/w but we def still need to step in with rules and boundaries.

I need to tackle DS13's gaming over the summer, though, it's slowly creeping up and he's a different more disengaged and grumpy child as a result.

Letting her do something which could potentially impact her future ( which she wouldn’t truly understand for years) is very different to letting her wear a dodgy outfit or get a bad haircut.

I agree. At 15 they simply aren't emotionally mature enough to be left to their own devices.

Having really high target grades can be a blessing or a curse, I’ve had kids who’ve got all 7s in their mocks and their grades are all in a threatening shade of amber/red as on the grade sheet as they’re not reaching their ‘target grades’ and Johnny sitting next to them got all 6s and is a nice reassuring shade of green as his target grades are lower because of his SATS 5 years ago. It’s a flawed system and can be demoralising. Absolutely take the phone away at certain times. My DS is younger, but has his phone taken away at bedtime. He stayed at grandma’s a couple of weeks ago and they didn’t take it away. He was watching YouTube until 1am and messaging me constantly asking to come home and saying he couldn’t sleep and was hysterical. They cannot self regulate, phones are so addictive.

How bad is "shockingly bad"?
6s and 7s, I'd leave her be.
Fails, and you need to act.
Bear minimium, phones/screens off at a sensible time overnight.

Has she got the right support in terms of revision guides etc for the way she learns?

Never took phones off mine Does she actually need top grades? What does she want from life? She's old enough to make her own decisions about study, as a parent you can guide and encourage her but being too dictatorial can result in her not caring at all.

Look at your relationship as a whole and find the balance together. Conversation and listening with simple obtainable steps are the best way and this may or may not involve the phone. The best outcome for the year is one where your mutual respect grows and her confidence improves with the latter being more important than exam targets (although probably part of the picture) which sound like they may have been over inflated by your input and which are pretty flawed anyway.

School should have lots of revision classes to sign up to and may offer interventions. Ask them what they are doing. You may be surprise at how much there is to do - no surprise it’s overwhelming.

^^ This.

My ds is the same age. Just finished year 10. I take a stronger line.

DS has 1 hour of phone/switch when he gets home, then devices off and home work until it's finished, then supper, then he can do whatever he likes until 9.30.

He's so used to the routine, he doesn't even argue (much).

She's old enough to make her own decisions about study

Clearly she isn't@RedHelenB. Your 15 year old might have been able to self regulate their phone use, but a lot of 15 year olds aren't emotionally mature enough to do so.

This issue comes up a lot on MN, and having been through this with DD and now out the other side, it is a jolly sight easier to try and instill good learning habits before GCSE than trying to play catch up with retakes, of which you can only do in maths and English.

GCSEs are only the first step. Once you are on to A levels then possibly higher education no-one is interested in your GCSEs, but having poor GCSE does close a lot of doors to the next level.

Don't feel guilty. You are her parent, you are in charge. Make their own choices? With music and clothes, maybe.
I've had many, many yr10s get a grade 3 or 4 at this stage who have gone on to get good grades in the end. However. You are going to have to be more rigorous about the phone - all the current research shows how damaging this kind of use is, particularly to girls.
You're just going to have to tune out any resentment because she needs help to break this pattern. Start by rationing the use.

Do not allow music while studying, it is extremely damaging. Facts learnt while listening to music are best recalled listening to music. Exams are silent. Learn in silence to recall in silence

I had a 16 year old brother of my partner stay with me to go school. I imposed curfews on him of 10pm for gaming in the week and only after his homework had been done. Weekends were midnight curfew for gaming. He was getting top marks and discipline gave him guard rails. His mom then moved in removed the curfew, his grades dropped, he managed to go university but due to total lack of discipline and will power has been unemployed for 3 years despite have a degree in robotics and AI (in hot demand).

You take action now and build behaviours. Your job as a parent is to say No sometimes, and that's hard because kids moan but you have to do it. Being a parent is sometimes about being tough with kids. Take the phone away until homework is done. Swap it for a "dumb" phone at school if necessary. She has to build your trust again.

I was a very bright teenager, everyone expected me to do well.

I failed. I spent a lot of time playing solitaire while I was meant to be revising,, staying up all night even, telling myself I'd start revising after just one more game so on a surface you could say I did badly because of an addiction to solitaire.

I was diagnosed with ADHD in my 40s.

The problem wasn't solitaire. It was poor impulse control, time blindness, feeling overwhelmed by the task and having no idea how to get started, plus no idea how to organise myself or how to break out of the cycle I'd got myself into. Plus, I was tired from obsessively playing solitaire as a distraction from what I knew I was meant to be doing but didn't know how.

Whether your DD has ADHD or not (and I would seriously consider it) she needs your help.

She doesn't need your judgement or punishment, that's what's different how she's a teenager. But she does need help.

Talk to her about how you want to help her, and ask her what she needs.

I would definitely put limitations in her phone in this. Explain you're not trying to punish her, you're trying to help her gain control and break the habit.

In case anyone isn't familiar, all these are signs of ADHD:

"Poor impulse control, time blindness, feeling overwhelmed by the task and having no idea how to get started, plus no idea how to organise myself or how to break out of the cycle I'd got myself into"

Which is all exacerbated by phone use.
Limit that, you'll make a good start.

How does she like to study? Mind maps, lists, colour etc My DS predicted 8s totally flunked year 10 mocks. He would have scraped 5 passes. He had no clue how to study, we discovered he studies best with discussion. He’d tell me about topics and I’d ask him questions. That worked best with English lit & history.

He had access to Hegarty Maths but I’d have to sit with him while he did it to support him when he didn’t know how to answer. Being bright he’d been used to it all coming naturally so didn’t have any resilience.

Go through past papers so she understands how to answer to get the most marks.

Concentrate on Maths, English & English Lit as those are the key subjects for future.

My DS passed all his GCSEs and did well though not his predicted 8s. The experience did teach him resilience and how to study as he’s now flying with his alevels (ABB in mocks) so I no longer need to support like I did then.

Talk to her and get her onside as it’ll help her study when she doesn’t want to.

Best of luck.

I'd let the dust settle then see if you can have an adult to adult type chat about how she feels about her exam results in a safe way. For my DC it would be while going for a walk or driving so it wasn't direct face to face. No stress or accusations, just a calm, matter of fact chat.

As with any addiction she needs to want change.

Has she achieved good grades previously? What we're her aims in expecting to be a high fligher?

If she admits to disappointment, and actually wants to do something then ask her what she thinks would be best. Then agree a plan of action together.

This strategy worked for me, rather than having bedtimes and taking phones away when mine were teens. DD is now 20 and recently commented that she was glad that I wasn't like some of her friends' parents who were very controlling. She liked being able to talk things through and be heard and then come up with a reasonable plan.

Have you actually asked your dd what support she needs? If she is capable of 8s and 9s, then I'm sure that she can't be happy herself with the results that she has got. Have you talked to her how she feels about it and what she thinks needs to happen in order to turn things around?

I think the "no-nonsense" approach of just telling her how it's going to be from now on is likely to backfire massively. She clearly isn't managing things effectively by herself so you do need to intervene, but you need to work with her if you really want to make a difference.

I was a very bright pupil, in the top groups, classwork always marked as excellent etc. But when it came to exam time, I was utterly rubbish. Couldn't retain or recall the info. Couldn't organise myself to study properly. Got distracted very easily or just couldn't focus. I also had a very poor self image. I was "smart but lazy and punished and told what a disappointment I was. Phones and social media weren't a thing then but I'm sure if they had been, mine would have been removed. Fast forward 20 years, noticing many other symptoms too, and I have just been given an diagnosis of ADHD. An actual clinical diagnosis not just one made by myself. I'm not saying your daughter has this by any means but for some reason your experience with her just seemed familiar to me. It can manifest itself very differently in girls.

X post but completely agree with this.

Oh can I also add that I generally did well with tests and stuff in primary school but it got worse as I got older then by exam time I just performed really badly.

I find the approach to phones alarming tbh - the idea (and many parents speak of it) of just leaving kids to sink or swim with a device which we adults know is incredibly addictive - these apps/ games/ are designed by some of the brightest minds in the world TO BE ADDICTIVE

Why would your daughter win in a battle against that?

Would you just 'let her get on with it' if she was addicted to cigarettes or alcohol? or would you step in and put boundaries in to protect her?

I think one day we may look back at th efree reign we gave teens with phones as we now do about the ignorance we had with smoking

I agree people with addictions need to want to change but she is a child - there needs to be parenting input

And there are children/ teens who can and do control their own behaviour - but clearly not all can - just like adults have different levels of control over their impulses

She only gets one chance to be a child - protect her from the world of the phone

Start the conversation in the holidays when the heat is off a bit. In September, ask the school for a meeting with the head of ks4 and the pastoral manager. This will help triage the whole approach.
There will be a counsellor who she can see.
In the meantime, look at ways to wean her off the phone.