Dd awful exam results - best parenting strategy?

[stirling]

In your opinion or preferably experience please?
She's finished y10 and her predicted grades were all 9s and 8s based on the fact that she's in top set, FFT grades high as she did exceptionally well in primary (I worked with her a lot throughout primary ). But the phone addiction , social media addiction is horrendous and it's the only thing I can say has led her to achieve shockingly bad results and emails of disappointment from her teachers too about her disorganisation.

She says she feels bad about her results and yet doesn't want limitations on her phone.
Parenting books suggest leaving teens to make their own choices, not rescuing them. Even if it means they get lower grades and outcomes in their future.

It just pains me so much to do that though. I wouldn't mind if she was average. She's so bright and it's all wasted . Plus she loathes her appearance and that's 100% down to social media.

Would you leave her to it or set restrictions for year 11 against her will?
Thank you, sorry to ramble on

I'd go with 'it seems to me your phone use is massively impacting your study habits, and I wouldn't forgive myself if poor GCSEs closed options for you for 6th form'.

Then it would be out of room from 10pm each night, and other restrictions in the day.

I'd also set some targets for this holidays. If she didn't revise properly for end y10, has she got decent revision notes? By the end of the holidays she needs revision cards / mind maps for all content she has studied so far. That will have the benefit of going over stuff at least once and setting her up for the start of y11.

10 subjects = 2 per week approx, though some might be faster and some slower. Get her to pair a good subject with a less liked one each week, and e.g. No phone between 9 & 12 to help them get done, but when done for the week remove the restriction. She can 'get ahead' to have days out with friends, but not 'promise to catch up'. Reward at end of week if target met.

Don't just rely on her saying she has done stuff, look at the revision guide and say 'show me your card on Causes of 2nd world war', or 'circle rules'.

I think that you helping a lot in primary might have inflated the grades she got and maybe means she doesn't have the discipline to get there on her own. I think a measured approach might be useful, yes put in some boundaries but she needs to find some motivation within herself too. GCSEs, although important are not always as key as the school will make out. Unless she is suited to an Oxbridge path, many universities are just looking for solid, rather than outstanding, results even for courses such as medicine.

As long as she has what she needs to get into A levels sometimes not getting stellar grades can be motivating. Better to learn now that good grades need to be worked for than discovering that at university when she has so many other distractions around her and you are not there to direct her. I also found that working in a real job helped motivate me to get my degree. Maybe see if a local cafe, shop etc. could take her on for a week work experience over the summer. She might either decide that actually she doesn't like hard work being on her feet all day so motivates her to study or she might find that a more practical real life situation suits her way of learning so directs her towards an apprenticeship.

I guess it depends what you mean by 'awful' and 'shockingly bad'.

To do A levels she's probably looking at getting at least 6s, with 7s for maths & science as a minimum. Preferably 7s in any subject she's going forward with.

So if her results were 6/7s not 8/9s that's maybe not so much of an issue, but if they were 5/6s or lower then it very definitely is.

That's what I do and my Foster son over performed against his predictions. Now he's got into this great routine of home, homework, sports/activity then looks on his phone later. Also his phone stays downstairs on charge when he goes to either shower or bed. I don't even have to mention it now he just knows his routine.

The only rider I would add to the above is they may need some 'decompression time' when they arrive home. Though that doesn't hve to be phone if then getting off it causes a problem.

Definitely do not leave her to just manage it on her own. She's going to need your support. It will be difficult over the summer holiday especially to limit the screen time but it might be worth taking it one step at a time. Have that important conversation that you'll be weaning her off screen time over the next 3 weeks rather than cold turkey and then set up final limits on her phone. At night, either on charge in your bedroom or downstairs.

She needs your support. She will push against you but you need to put in as much effort as you can now. GCSEs are important to move onto the next stage of life.

I ended up at university studying English and got a 2:1. I have been a teacher for 10 years. However, my parents couldn't have cared less about my GCSEs and A levels. I got 3 Cs and 3 Bs at GCSE, as well as 3 Ds. If I'd have had supportive parents then I bet I'd have done much better. I never, ever once revised. They didn't want or care to push me. My A level results were only okay and I achieved my 2:1 in my third year of university alone. The previous year I was mainly 3rds. What I'm saying is, it's important to support her with that work ethic and making tough choices. I only learnt my lesson at the very final hurdle. Give her the tools to make good choices early on.

These are also signs of being completely NT

I think the end of the summer term is a difficult time of these discussions as your DD will have her sights on the holiday. I would start now by asking her how she feels about the results and then put together a plan with her for when she returns in Sept. I would also make an appointment with school in Sept. You say that you worked hard with her at primary, she has also gone through the covid restrictions ...she might not be as bright as you think and it's only coming to light now with more formal exams. Go into school for a more realistic picture.

Is she allowed her phone at night? If so I’d stop that. Mine had to leave their phones downstairs until GCSEs were over, then I relaxed it. Which meant one didn’t get any A levels …. I wish I had continued the rule but they get to an age where you can’t keep that up. Phones are a massive problem now.

Don't waste the summer holidays, it is her best chance to catching up a bit

Definitely put restrictions on the phone, her way of managing is not working. I've had restrictions on DCs since they had them, the number of their peers that were sending WhatsApp messages throughout the night whilst at primary school was eye opening.
Here, they can have more access when they have done all their homework/revision but the phones are locked/removed at night. We sometimes get arguments but they are eventually handed over. Same as Xbox - no access until school stuff is done as they are simply unable to regulate time otherwise.

The reason I say revision cards all done by the end of the holidays, is that is where I would expect anyone to be. If she made good notes for end y10 exams then it won't take much time, if not then she is playing catch up.

So it isn't a 'punishment' it is 'catch up / prep for y11'.

All three of mine listened to music. They all got degrees with honours. They all found jobs by the September, all are successful in their careers. Horses for courses

I don't understand parents who say leave them to it. Why would you set your child up to fail?

DD needed quite a bit of encoragement at GCSE level, less at A level and none at degree level. The stakes get higher as you progress into FE then HE so it is very important that the young person gets into good learning habits.

To do A levels she's probably looking at getting at least 6s, with 7s for maths & science as a minimum. Preferably 7s in any subject she's going forward with.

Although do look at the individual requirements for the sixth forms she is interested in. Two highly regarded superselctives near here only have grades 4 as the minimum requirement for maths and English, plus 7s in the subjects to study at A level. Others ask for 5 in maths and English. Sciences are important if wanting to do science but might not be even considered if not studying science. These are all grammar schools. It depends how badly she has done/ is likely to do.

imo Parents who say leave them to it, have children who could be left to it.

Children mature at different rates. Some just aren't ready to be left to it at 15.

In case I wasn't clear, I was saying 7 in maths to do maths A level, not needing a 7 regardless. etc.

My dd discovered apps that reward you for not using your phone for a set period. She'd set it for like and hour then while she studied a little sapling grew in the app. Over each concentration period, the sapling ends up as a fully fledged flower and she repeats the process with a new sapling that she picked. The apps don't have to be set for hours but they encourage phone free time and reward for regular bursts of not using a phone.

imo Parents who say leave them to it, have children who could be left to it. Children mature at different rates. Some just aren't ready to be left to it at 15.

This is spot on @TeenDivided.
A lot of 6th forms ask for an 8 in maths if doing maths A level. The step up from GCSE is huge.

and they would have got better grades without listening to music. And we all have an Aunty Eunice who smoked for 80 years before dying peacefully in her bed from unrelated causes

It is ridiculous when people say " o we all learn differently" etc etc etc - we all have human brains, the principles are the same in all of us, even if the details are different.

Children who learn and revise listening to music when those facts later have to be recalled in silence, disadvantage themselves.

@orangeleavesinautumn Although I agree, if the only way you can get a child to sit down and revise is with music on, that is better than no revision at all.

DD used to listen to music when working. She got mostly A and A* at GCSE, all As at A level and a first in a STEM subject from an RG university.

She has CFS, and listening to music meant that she could stay awake longer to work.

It depends on the personality of the teenager. I’ve always been able to negotiate with my son because he is so obsessed with home cooked food so if he couldn’t be bothered putting any effort in to his school work I would be less active in preparing all the meals he likes to eat and suggest takeaway more (he hates takeaway). I did feel a bit mean but after a couple of weeks of this he usually started doing more school work and getting better grades. I know it’s a bit sneaky but finding something that requires my effort and then to levy it against his effort seemed to work.

I agree with this. I would sometimes quite like a real grown up to come along and confiscate my phone so I definitely think it's part of our parenting responsibility.

I mean, I listened to music throughout and got straight As and then two first class degrees (from top universities for those subjects) so I am not sure how I could have done better but no doubt you know best