DD12 caught sexting and lying again

[Bambaladamba]

DD12 was caught a few months ago sending nudes to a boy in her school. He then shared the pics with his friends, I phoned the police and as far as we were concerned it was dealt with. Turned out he had threatened her into sending them and we were all sympathetic towards her. We all make mistakes.

Since then DD has had restrictions on her phone, screen time kicks in at 8pm, no Instagram or Tiktok and phone checked regularly. Up until now she hands the phone over without question. Until last week she refused to give it to us. Turns out she’s been sending more nudes to another boy and is now panicking that he might share them. I’ve contacted the police to ask them to check that the photos have been deleted which they have agreed to do, we’ll find out tomorrow. We’ve also found out that she worked out the screen time password on her phone (not sure how as it was a random number) and he’s been on the phone all night. I’m not quite as sympathetic this time as she says she wasn’t coerced or threatened into sending pics, she just did it because he asked for them. Also not too happy about the lying which she already has form for.

How would you deal with this? I’ve removed her phone and intend to give her a non smart phone for the foreseeable as I don’t trust her to use it safely any more, or be honest with me about it’s use. How can I get through to her the seriousness of what she’s doing? She says her friends don’t do this, it’s just her so it’s not like she’s following the crowd. Any help appreciated!

Well, the loss of the phone is the key thing. Stick to your guns - she gets a "dumb" phone and that doesn't change in three months or six months because she's been "good". Also even the dumb phone gets left downstairs after 8pm, as she's already shown she can't be trusted even with various screenlocks. Buy a lock box if you have to, the phone gets locked away in there after the agreed time & you release it in the morning.

Get the police to talk to her , as formally as possible without it going on her record permanently. She is making and distributing sexual images of a child.

God I felt sick reading this.

As much as you did everything right the last time, the idea that 'we all make mistakes' is a really poor place to start.

She's a young child. She isn't making a mistake, she's in need of therapy & ongoing support.

It's deeply troubling that someone could intimidate her at such a young age into sending nude photos - most 12 yos wouldn't have a clue or desire such images.

Please research some counselling / therapy for her & the wider family, and really ensure that you are talking regularly to her about boundaries, respect for her body & self-esteem.

Does she even need a smartphone at this point? Why can’t she just have a brick phone that can send/receive calls and texts only. None of this snapchat or whatsapp or wherever the hell she’s sending nudes.

Obviously it’s better to figure out why she’s sending nudes in the first place and get her to stop but that seems unlikely

Thanks for the replies, I’m glad you think the dumb phone is the way to go too. She’s already receiving counselling for what’s happened but she’s lying to the counsellor which makes it very difficult to get through to her. We will keep going though. Police have spoken to her too but again, very little impact.

Give her a text/phone only phone and still remove it at 8. Be clear to her that you will be checking messages.
No internet access unless she’s in a room with other people about.
And yes to therapy - 12 is very young for this, it’s very important to get to the bottom of this and for her to build up some boundaries.

Is this boy also from the school?

Yes both boys are at the same school

As well as giving her dumb phone and restrictions and therapy. You need to be going into the school.

These are not the only 2 boys who are coercing or even asking for nudes. She is not the only girl who is giving them out.

They have a huge issue with photos of naked children being distributed among their pupils. I would be asking for a meeting with them asap.

How do you know she is lying to her therapist? What she says is between the two of them, surely.
The first time wasn't a mistake and I'm concerned you've brushed it off as one. She was coerced and violated. I'm guessing this latest sending of photos is some kind of attempt to reframe what happened, to reclaim something and feel in control.
I'm sorry she is going through this and can't imagine how you must feel as her mother.

Can you just not give her a phone whatsoever?

I wouldn't be happy if I had a 12 year old girl who was out and about and unable to contact me. Public payphone are as rare as hen's teeth these days.

DD used to get the bus to school and they broke down fairly frequently, didn't turn up or occasionally they caught fire.

I’m going to go against the grain with this one. I don’t mean any disrespect to you OP or your family. It is the boys who are in the wrong asking, but then your daughter needs to be able to say no? Is she doing it for attention?

if the boy says put your hand in the fire and she does, is that his fault? I feel girls need to be taught the reality of life and not to be told it’s not there fault when she did take the pics and send it. Especially if the boys are her age and she’s not groomed into doing it.

I agree with this and this is what I mean when I say the first time was a mistake. I assure you I’ve not brushed it off as one as other posters have suggested. But the first time she was coerced into doing it, we had the school, police, mental health team and gp involved and then to go and do it again, without the coercion aspect? That’s not a mistake, that’s a conscious decision knowing what the consequences will be when you get caught.

Yep just a phone she can call and text on as she is not mature enough for a smart phone. It's disturbing enough that it happened once but twice is ridiculous at the age of 12. She's in serious danger of having naked pictures spread around her school, bullying, exploitation, blackmail, god knows what. And we've seen the stories in the media about girls who have ended up committing suicide because things like this have got out of control. I don't want to sound dramatic but this needs to be dealt with right now and the only way to deal with it is to make sure you take away all devices and if she does have a texting phone you check it every single day without fail.

@Bambaladamba I would be seriously concerned about your child. Is there any way she could have been abused or seen abuse at any point? Her behaviour gives the impression of a traumatised child. 12 is young to be in constant contact with boys and seeking their approval. This speaks to someone whose boundaries are non existent. While young people these days are certainly growing up faster, they are also being told more about consent and boundaries. The younger tweens I see are very switched on and unfortunately the ones I see who engage in this type of behaviour already had difficult lives. This does not come from nowhere.

I am very worried about your daughter. It seems like most people want to treat this as “naughtiness” but believe me most 12 year olds wouldn’t be doing this once let alone twice. This is kind of desperate behaviour where she seems to really want to gain approval from these boys, and I agree with a PP that this seems to speak to something more serious either in her life so far or possibly in her MH. For example friends of mine with bipolar might well have done this kind of thing as reckless risk taking behaviour albeit probably not so young.

Hi OP I think you posted about this before. In cases like this, where a child going through puberty is showing sexual behaviour that’s out of character and is lying about it you should go and see a psychiatrist. The reason being that hypersexuality, particularly in girls of this age is a symptom of bipolar.

A counsellor might not know this, because in general counsellors do not treat patients with serious mental health conditions, as opposed to clinical therapists who do. I find that GPs (not all but most) and NHS staff in general are only familiar with the extreme forms of the disorder and don’t take proper action for anything short of a full blown manic episode.

How do you know?

Posters have been unnecessarily mean and patronising , please dont worry about that.

She won't stay without the phone or with the brick phone forever, at some point she will get her hands on a second-hand smartphone and will keep it secret from you. Worth talking with her about puberty and sexuality. Not the "where babies come from" thing but hormones (how they mess with hers and boys' heads), needs (to feel liked/accepted), wants (to be just like other girls or otherwise - not like the other girls and therefore be "braver"), expression (how she can manifest what she wants/needs in a safe and secure way) and boundaries (how she definitely should try to express it). She has to understand that her desire to be liked/accepted by boys is normal and should not be dismissed or hidden from parents as something shameful but sending nudes is not the best way, not at 12, not at 32.

*how she definitely should NOT try to express it, sorry. I wish my parents would have this talk with me, would have saved me decades of heartache.

This has made me so angry.

This is not her ‘mistake’.
People asking for nudes is not a new problem. Those hideous boys should be punished.
However..
You, as parents have failed to protect her. She clearly is not mature enough for the responsibility of a smart phone. Why you didn’t swap her phone out the first time is unfathomable.

Your anger is unreasonable.

You can't send pictures if you don't have the means to.

Sounds as if she hasn’t developed the ability to consider the future impact of her actions ie having these photos follow her around to further education settings, jobs, future relationships, or being blackmailed with them.
Perhaps you could ask a therapist to work with her on developing this ability, as she sounds to have poor impulse control.