DD12 caught sexting and lying again

[Bambaladamba]

DD12 was caught a few months ago sending nudes to a boy in her school. He then shared the pics with his friends, I phoned the police and as far as we were concerned it was dealt with. Turned out he had threatened her into sending them and we were all sympathetic towards her. We all make mistakes.

Since then DD has had restrictions on her phone, screen time kicks in at 8pm, no Instagram or Tiktok and phone checked regularly. Up until now she hands the phone over without question. Until last week she refused to give it to us. Turns out she’s been sending more nudes to another boy and is now panicking that he might share them. I’ve contacted the police to ask them to check that the photos have been deleted which they have agreed to do, we’ll find out tomorrow. We’ve also found out that she worked out the screen time password on her phone (not sure how as it was a random number) and he’s been on the phone all night. I’m not quite as sympathetic this time as she says she wasn’t coerced or threatened into sending pics, she just did it because he asked for them. Also not too happy about the lying which she already has form for.

How would you deal with this? I’ve removed her phone and intend to give her a non smart phone for the foreseeable as I don’t trust her to use it safely any more, or be honest with me about it’s use. How can I get through to her the seriousness of what she’s doing? She says her friends don’t do this, it’s just her so it’s not like she’s following the crowd. Any help appreciated!

Oh stop with your snide remarks. You've no idea what my situation is.
You can't have a service that has buses regularly bursting into flames, endangering passengers lives. It's beyond H&S. Regardless of available funding, the council shouldn't be giving them the contract, they shouldn't even be letting their hazardous vehicles drive on the road.

Yes I think this has gone past just having a counsellor now and requires a psychiatrist. Counsellors are not always that great IME - anyone can call themselves one, at least make sure hers is with BCAP.

I'd be so worried about her and she shouldn't be punished as she is a victim - but she doesn't seem to understand the seriousness of her situation so for her own safety she needs to have access only to a basic phone.

Yes, she needs a phone. But please let's not pretend she now cannot be on a bus.

If you are trying to imply which I think you are that she is more at risk of assault etc. How would the phone help? This is a huge reach.

Please look at autism female presentation and consider if any of it sounds familiar your daughter sounds very vulnerable 😞sorry you are going through this

I'm not implying that at all. I'm saying she needs a phone as much as the next 12 year old struggling with rural buses, and if left without one, yes, more vulnerable, and she has proven poor boundaries.

But how is that relevant?

I worked for a sexual violence charity and I'm not exaggerating when I say every month we had tens and tens of these incidents come to us
We offered cyber awareness sessions for children as well as counselling and advocacy
The youngest was a girl of 9 but tbh it was very common that girls of 11 and 12 were referred

I worked there for a year and came across some awful things but tbh the frequency and young ages of this particular issue (sending/receiving nudes) just made me so sad

Theres too much pathologising going on of children these days when its simply that they have been given too much to cope with, exposed to things that they shouldnt have been

Shes had a smart phone, seen god knows what on the internet, after the first occasion she then kept her phone so was probably still seeing god knows what and now apparently she needs a psychiatrist, is autistic, is hypersexual etc etc

She needs to be able to be a 12 year old child, take the phone, she needs a brick phone (if any at all), her internet shut down or monitored severely and needs to engage with family activities centred around her age and stage of development. She needs clear, firm, predictable safe boundaries.

9😭

I wonder if you couldn’t find a woman in her 20s who has gone through the trauma of being exploited to have a very frank discussion with your daughter, @Bambaladamba.
A real eye-opening, frightening, real-life, scary story about what happens to little girls who travel down the same road your daughter is going.
A sort-of “scared-straight” talk.
I wonder if that could in any way make an impact.
Are there organisations which help? I don’t know.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It must be heart wrenching & terrifying at the same time.

This sounds so difficult. I barely know how to help.

But I would say that if she's worked out codes for phones etc you need to be a lot smarter on the tech side. Sure a dumb phone will temporarily stop it, but she could steal or borrow a phone or access a PC or tablet in the house. You need to get really smart with all the parental controls so for example, we had:

• phones with child user settings (android) so they are not able to download apps etc without permission
• the contract for the phone has blocks on explicit sites etc and only I know the login for the contract management
• the WiFi at home has controls such as time limits by device and I can see every device logged in so I know which ones are whose and I have also got various sites blocked
• their laptop logins are also supervised users so I get a report on how much time they've spent and what apps etc (windows)
• the xbox has time limits and also various other restrictions again all controlled by me

She needs you to keep her safe and that will need to include any and all apps that can be used to communicate so not just WhatsApp but all social media incl discord and others. These all need to be blocked and you will need to likely move her homework etc into a family room where you can supervise her so bedroom is literally for sleeping.

I worry that someone may be controlling her or feeding her the info on what to do so you will need to be vigilant
Good luck and I hope she gets the help she needs

I'm so sorry that your daughter is caught up in this.

There are some really good websites that she and you could look at. https://www.thinkuknow.co.uk/11_18/

https://www.brook.org.uk/your-life/sexting/

I honestly cannot understand your questioning of me. I was responding, and quoted, someone who said she wouldn't allow her to have a phone at all. I think that is less preferable than a dumb phone. You can disagree, but my posts are relevant to the thread.

I dont disagree.

But I think adding situations to worry about is less than helpful in this case. Her risky behaviour is online and that should be the focus, I feel.

OP mentioned the buses being risky in their own right, I was reminding a poster of that. And yes, this child is more vulnerable than a child who hasn't demonstrated poor boundaries. Eg. I have one teen who would potentially be ok, despite bus challenges, without a phone. I have another child with a proven track record of poor decision making- that would mean leaving them with no phone is likely higher risk.

There's a reason most secondary school kids have a phone. And this child has already shown she makes poor decisions when asked for things sexually. You think stuff that happens over the phone won't translate to real life? Come on yourself.

You think stuff that happens over the phone won't translate to real life?

Often, yes.

Ah, ok. If you'd said that rather than being obtuse, I probably wouldn't have bothered responding to you- I thought you were disagreeing with the need for a phone. I wouldn't have responded if I realised you're just naive.

This thread gas been derailed by chat about rural bus services......

OP, I would frame discussions with your daughter as care and protection, rather than punishment

Perhaps social work could offer support too

Have you looked at parenting courses eg Raising Teens With Confidence?

I wasnt being obtuse, but you are patronising, rude and a drama queen.

I know it seems dramatic but i'd also limit how much time she spends alone. Computer use in the communal area, no phone up in her room, no time at home alone picking/dropping off at activities.

Increase in family time and activities. introducing books about sexual safety. taking her to talks, shows etc about women and power, self esteem.

plus the continued therapy. guns blazing on all fronts

This is really good advice.

I had some problems with one of my DC, and a DC who is determined will find a way to get on the internet, whatever you do with their phone.

Taking your DD's phone is sensible, OP, but it isn't going to be the answer. It needs to be tackled in another way, as Parisj suggests. You're going to need to put a lot of time into this one, and a lot of that time won't feel very immediately rewarding. Good luck.

I have a 12 year old. She is only allowed her phone downstairs or when she goes out. I take it up to our room to charge at night, or it charges down stairs. She has watsapp - no tik tok or snap chat (despite saying she’s the only one who doesn’t have it) but I’ve set controls so random numbers can’t send her messages. I also check it every couple of days (which she knows). I would suggest this moving forward and as others have said, a basic phone now for your daughter - although I do think smart phones are good as you can use find my iPhone etc.

Can school offer anything like Elsa/1:1 meetings with pastoral?

OP someone here asked if maybe she was traumatised. Seems very likely to me; being coerced must have been traumatic and perhaps the big to-do that followed was too.

Doing it again minus the coercion seems a cry for help to me. She knows what happened last time. Maybe she is trying to work through the experience by repeating it. Maybe she is just acting out, unsure what she wants.

Or maybe she is hypersexualised as pp suggested, but at 12 the whole notion of nudity as arousing may still be quite abstract to her.

Whatever it is, yes take her camera phone away but also get her help. What a shit world our daughters are having to make sense of. It was hard enough growing up before sexting even existed.

I am sorry you are both going through this - 12 is such a tricky age and unfortunately you have a few more years of immaturity to ward through. I find striking up conversions with my daughter while I am on longish drives and she is in the front passenger seat helpful - it’s because there is no eye contact and no sense of time limit. I would get onto an appropriate subject and when the time is right ask her her first memory or feeling of something. Through this method we traced her fear of something to a time she was very young in school in grade 3 when two girls pinned her down. She could link the feeling created then with the feeling she got when she was in certain situations and would be triggered to act a certain way as if to protect herself.
Try and get your daughter to remember how she felt just before she sent the photos and ask her can she remember the first ever time she felt like that and try and work out what triggered it - and what feeling was she then hoping to either recreate or dispel by sending the photos.
I hope things improve for you both.

The consequences of what she’s doing need to be laid out clearly and firmly. By sending photos of herself she is committing a criminal offence. By sending these pictures to a minor, she’s committing a further criminal offence.

https://www.itsnotokay.co.uk/children/online-safety-and-sexting/#:~:text=Sending%20or%20sharing%20indecent%20images,nude%20selfies%20to%20someone%20else.