DD12 caught sexting and lying again

[Bambaladamba]

DD12 was caught a few months ago sending nudes to a boy in her school. He then shared the pics with his friends, I phoned the police and as far as we were concerned it was dealt with. Turned out he had threatened her into sending them and we were all sympathetic towards her. We all make mistakes.

Since then DD has had restrictions on her phone, screen time kicks in at 8pm, no Instagram or Tiktok and phone checked regularly. Up until now she hands the phone over without question. Until last week she refused to give it to us. Turns out she’s been sending more nudes to another boy and is now panicking that he might share them. I’ve contacted the police to ask them to check that the photos have been deleted which they have agreed to do, we’ll find out tomorrow. We’ve also found out that she worked out the screen time password on her phone (not sure how as it was a random number) and he’s been on the phone all night. I’m not quite as sympathetic this time as she says she wasn’t coerced or threatened into sending pics, she just did it because he asked for them. Also not too happy about the lying which she already has form for.

How would you deal with this? I’ve removed her phone and intend to give her a non smart phone for the foreseeable as I don’t trust her to use it safely any more, or be honest with me about it’s use. How can I get through to her the seriousness of what she’s doing? She says her friends don’t do this, it’s just her so it’s not like she’s following the crowd. Any help appreciated!

Stop deciding it’s the boys’ fault automatically. You have no idea what goes on. Not all girls are innocent angels misled by boys.

Please refrain from holding the boys responsible for your daughter's actions and conduct. She had multiple avenues to seek guidance, such as coming to you, teachers, or the police. Additionally, please avoid automatically assuming that she is experiencing mental health issues, abuse, blackmail, or trauma that might be driving her behavior (though these possibilities can't be ruled out).

Sometimes these behaviors may stem from various factors, including abuse, peer pressure, mimicking media outlets, or simply natural curiosity, particularly among girls aged 12 and under. This may be her natural development and progression. Some children develop early naturally. Some children are engaging in sexual activities and becoming parents as early as 11 or 12.

At 12 years old, your daughter is undergoing puberty, exploring her sensuality and sexuality, and dealing with intense emotions and hormones. She might be confused about these changes.

It's essential to move away from the mindset that portrays girls and women as purely docile and devoid of sexual desires or thoughts. Such a mindset hampers the development of both young women and men. Blaming boys for your daughter's actions is counterproductive.

It's crucial to acknowledge that her actions may not have been isolated incidents, and she might have done this more times than you're aware of. She seems to enjoy the attention and may find it exciting.

Your daughter is not the only one at school engaging in such behavior; her friends might also be involved. It could be a trend within her peer group, and other students.

Remember that even if the pictures were deleted, they may still be accessible, and copies might have been made. The consequences of her actions could affect her future career, job prospects, college admissions, self-esteem, and self-image.

She appears to be technologically savvy and determined to continue her actions despite restrictions. The only potential deterrent might be experiencing the consequences of her actions.

Involving the police and emphasizing the severity of her actions may be necessary to make her realize the gravity of the situation.

I'm truly sorry that you're going through this difficult situation. It might take years for her to learn from her actions.

You may not be able to shield her from adult situations, subjects, or activities. Professional help and a team of experts may be the best approach to help her manage her impulses and reckless behaviors.

I’d change schools. Track her with an AirTag, dumphone for emergencies.

More family time, with her father particularly, might help. Do the sex isn’t love talk, do the porn talk. Deal with her feelings of desire, given it’s gone wrong so fast, as an uplifting positive. Most of all, listen to what she says to you afterwards.

If she’s lying to the counsellor, call her on it. (Really important, that one.) No wonder they’re getting nowhere.

Feminist books by the bed. Let her know you’ll call the police after 6 months if she hasn’t regretted it or immediately if she tries again. No drama, just dial.