DD12 caught sexting and lying again

[Bambaladamba]

DD12 was caught a few months ago sending nudes to a boy in her school. He then shared the pics with his friends, I phoned the police and as far as we were concerned it was dealt with. Turned out he had threatened her into sending them and we were all sympathetic towards her. We all make mistakes.

Since then DD has had restrictions on her phone, screen time kicks in at 8pm, no Instagram or Tiktok and phone checked regularly. Up until now she hands the phone over without question. Until last week she refused to give it to us. Turns out she’s been sending more nudes to another boy and is now panicking that he might share them. I’ve contacted the police to ask them to check that the photos have been deleted which they have agreed to do, we’ll find out tomorrow. We’ve also found out that she worked out the screen time password on her phone (not sure how as it was a random number) and he’s been on the phone all night. I’m not quite as sympathetic this time as she says she wasn’t coerced or threatened into sending pics, she just did it because he asked for them. Also not too happy about the lying which she already has form for.

How would you deal with this? I’ve removed her phone and intend to give her a non smart phone for the foreseeable as I don’t trust her to use it safely any more, or be honest with me about it’s use. How can I get through to her the seriousness of what she’s doing? She says her friends don’t do this, it’s just her so it’s not like she’s following the crowd. Any help appreciated!

I've got Eero for my internet at home now so that I can set profiles and restrict internet use. DS was sneaky and using devices after bedtime. Now all his devices shut off and can't connect to the internet again. He doesn't have mobile data on his phone, can still send text messages but not picture messages and WhatsApp won't work without data.

Eero lets me block certain apps as well, including Snapchat etc. I can also see every connected devices and if I don't recognise it, I can block it while others are still online.

This might sound excessive but I think it's necessary to keep our kids safe. Im sure there are other routers with apps and the above can be done other ways, but not all ISPs give you the tools to block app access, just web pages.

https://www.stopitnow.org.uk/concerned-about-a-child-or-young-persons-sexual-behaviour/

This isn’t a punishment issue, she is very vulnerable and isn’t understanding boundaries etc. she needs more support and protection not punishment and consequences.

12? This is horrific.

I can't understand after the first time it happened you didn't take the phone away and shrugged it off as a mistake!

I hope I'm wrong but this behaviour smacks of someone much older having her ear and influencing her.

I would have a complete change in her life and even contemplate changing schools or areas of possible.

Please look at what adult company she is ever alone with.

Apart from giving her a very basic phone and checking it every day, I’d be worried too that she’ll use her friends phones instead.
She clearly can’t be trusted.

I completely understand how you are feeling the only difference in it is it was my son sending the pictures, for all those blaming the parents you really are being unfair you can talk to children till your blue in the face about respect and boundaries but it doesn’t mean they will take notice

This.

Behaviour like this doesn't happen in a vacuum.

DD used to get the bus to school and they broke down fairly frequently, didn't turn up or occasionally they caught fire.

Off topic but what the heck bus company do you have that one person has experienced, not only buses regularly breaking down, but also several catching on fire? 😲

Unfortunately some youngsters are just like this. I was up to some shocking stuff, starting in year 8. I'm not bipolar (as far as I'm aware), nor was I a victim of sexual abuse.

I think some girls have a need for acceptance/approval that leads them down very unwise paths. I was very quiet and got quickly swept up by a much more outgoing friend. I initially did things under the assumption that other girls my age were also doing them, but they weren't really. Thankfully I was a teen in the Nokia face off era so there were no camera phones, but I came into physical contact with a lot of penis. Even during the school day. I honestly shudder at my past Boys that age can be very pushy en masse. I really wish I'd had the balls to tell them to get lost.

As best as you can, be very aware of what she's up to if/when she's out of the house. For me it was a pattern of behaviour that I stuck with for a number of years.

It's very damaging. I still live with the shame of it over 20 years later and know what some people think of me.

She does need help building boundaries and self esteem, but it's easier said than done. Crap phone is an obvious first step but it won't quell the need for validation. Sex is an easy way to gain the illusion of approval.

I applaud 👏 your response

I'd lean in to much more family and 1:1 time, recognise that despite popular opinion, a parent is often better placed to support than a counsellor. I wouldn't talk about it all the time, I'd talk about her, be curious and positive and be explicit that what has happened suggests she needs protection and guidance and I care enough to give it even if unpopular. Normalise poor impulse control and social pulls (read Blame my Brain) but explain that she needs to develop positive behaviours and boundaries to be able to navigate healthy relationships. Look at NSPCC resources on age appropriate sexual behaviours Vs harmful sexual behaviours. Ask her in open dialogue about her sexual feelings and if she has had any sexual experiences she wasn't too happy with, ask about sexual harassment or abuse by adults, and about exposure to pornography. Try to find out if this is a trauma response, a low self esteem issue or something related. Tell her to postpone dating and sex stuff until a later stage (give her permission to do so, it's not a race). Do jigsaws, do crafts, go for walks, read books together, support hobbies and development. You'll get her back on track. Your influence is the key.

Thank you for sharing that honest and helpful post

Happens here, too. Buses are underfunded.

OP, I'm sorry you're getting blamed- you did what I would have done. Of course you hoped it was all done and sorted, who wouldn't. Most 12 year olds have smart phones, and indeed this is assumed in class for kahoot etc.

I would seriously consider a one off psychiatry appointment (private, you'll get nothing on the NHS), a school move, and yes, the dumb phone and checking etc.

very good post by @NCforThis3 , definitely make sure the therapist is a psychiatrist.
@Bambaladamba this type of sexual behavior is not usual for 12 year olds.

I am in the no phone at all for a while and then progessing to a non smart phone camp.

I'm not convinced having a 12 year old with poor sexual boundaries going to and from school by bus with no way of tracking/contacting is the better plan?

Oh come on.

Lack of funding. School in market town with pupils being biased in from surrounding villages with poor public transport, and in many cases the school bus was the only method of getting to school.

It was an independent operator that went bust when DD was in year 11 or 12. I was once behind one of the buses going up the hill, and it was travelling at 12 mph!

Oh come on what? I would want my teen, who gets the bus to school, sometimes needing a change of bus, where the buses frequently break down in the middle of nowhere, to have some sort of phone. Especially if they'd had a history of sexually inappropriate behaviour! I think a dumb phone is much more sensible than no phone in these circumstances. It's not like when we were kids when there were dedicated school buses etc. Often kids are on public buses, with a walk at either end, and maybe a change of bus. These are all underfunded. And this girl has shown she is vulnerable.

I had this with one of dd at the same age. As an adult she was diagnosed with ADHD. Looking back, I think the part of adhd which is impulse control played a part. She also lied as easily as she breathed.
I must admit I just threw her phone away.
The entire episode was dreadful. She has however grown into a very responsible adult.

But all vehicles have to be roadworthy. The council can't operate a fleet of buses that are spontaneously bursting into flames. Your daughter has been caught several times in that situation and unless she's the unluckiest person in the world, that will be just the average experience for all other users. So it must be a pretty regular occurence. That must be against H&S. Would the council license a taxi company that had cabs bursting into flames every day?

I can't understand how that is happening at all. I confess, our buses are in good condition, with WiFi. They don't have the money to keep buying new but they're regularly serviced. Under funding shouldn't mean that it's OK for buses to be unsafe. There must be a legal grounds against the council to be haphazardly putting people's lives in danger.

This.

Because there is no money.

Ours aren't council buses, they're companies. One company locally has gone bust in the last few months, leaving the other operators to pick up routes they don't want, and can't afford to run.

Everything is falling apart. Only the privileged haven't noticed yet.

How does @PowerBMI knownthis? This seems pure speculation

Airtag for tracking and a basic non-smart phone.
I remember hearing/ reading somewhere about a watch which allows the user call three pre-saved numbers (parents) and has tracking.