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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenager wants to go abroad with friends for an overnight

86 replies

Animallover2325 · 09/07/2023 16:22

Would you allow your 17 year old to travel with two friends (one older) to Europe for a day/overnight? I don’t feel I should but want to hear others thoughts

OP posts:
cheezncrackers · 09/07/2023 17:16

All of you with DC who went abroad at 17 - had your DC been on a plane before? I'm guessing they had. And if they hadn't, was it because they were too afraid to get on a plane before? That's the OP's worry - it's not the age of her DS as he is clearly old enough to do what he wants to do.

Getabloominmoveon · 09/07/2023 17:17

My daughter, at 17, flew to Hungary and got a bus alone to a festival where she met her friends. But she took was already well-travelled and is organized and generally sensible. My son was 17 for his first Inter-rail summer holiday, and managed to survive and have a great time despite dopey forgetfulness.
Gotta let them go and live with their outcomes of their actions and decisions.

TinyRebel · 09/07/2023 17:18

My 16 year old regularly travels on their own down to London, catches the Eurostar, crosses Paris on the RER, then the TGV to their father’s city - and the same again in reverse.
I used to go to festivals with my friends from 16.
Let him get on with it, he’ll be fine. Just make sure he has a decent travel insurance policy.

RedHelenB · 09/07/2023 17:21

Animallover2325 · 09/07/2023 16:59

This is exactly what I’ve been saying to him and his dad. He won’t go with us saying he’s too scared but the minute somebody else suggests something he’s off. I’m too nervous to let him go abroad right now. I absolutely allow him his independence, they’ve gone on holiday within Britain before which turned out fine but if on in the worse case anything were to go wrong over there I couldn’t get there easily. (I’m disabled) this has never ever stopped me from letting him go and do the things he wants to but he himself is extremely anxious and just won’t do stuff even when we encourage him to.

But he is wanring to do stuff
It's you and your anxiety that's stopping him.

DamaskRosie · 09/07/2023 17:22

If he's decided he wants to give flying a go, I'd absolutely encourage him. The pull of an exciting trip with his friends might give him the impetus to get over his fear.

RubyMurry22 · 09/07/2023 17:27

I flew to Lyon aged 15 on my own - first time ever on a flight - to stay with my French pen friend who is never met before. It was great!

willow7612 · 09/07/2023 17:27

Have his friends travelled before? I would be more concerned if no-one travelling had ever encountered an airport but I'm sure at least one will know what's going on. And going with mates might be the push to get over his fear, I know my DS is more inclined to push himself out of his comfort zone when with his peers.

BungleandGeorge · 09/07/2023 17:29

I would say no. If he has a flying phobia you may end up having to rescue him! What happens if he gets on the flight out but is too scared to come back!
17 isn’t the same as being 18. If May seem irrational to some but at 17 you’re a minor and your parents are responsible for you and at 18 you’re an adult. I think it’s tricky being abroad alone if you’re not technically an adult

Animallover2325 · 09/07/2023 17:30

RedHelenB · 09/07/2023 17:21

But he is wanring to do stuff
It's you and your anxiety that's stopping him.

As I said I’ve never stopped him going anywhere or doing anything. We’ve always encouraged him. It’s nothing to do with me as there’s not much I can’t do myself!

OP posts:
titchy · 09/07/2023 17:31

BungleandGeorge · 09/07/2023 17:29

I would say no. If he has a flying phobia you may end up having to rescue him! What happens if he gets on the flight out but is too scared to come back!
17 isn’t the same as being 18. If May seem irrational to some but at 17 you’re a minor and your parents are responsible for you and at 18 you’re an adult. I think it’s tricky being abroad alone if you’re not technically an adult

How is it tricky? 'Abroad' has teenagers who live there! If he bottles the return flight then her gets a train. Just get him insurance.

StopStartStop · 09/07/2023 17:32

Me and my friends would have been fine - we were as sensible as middle aged women. Brother was fine - he was sleeping on beaches in Greece at that age, with his friends. 17 is old enough to leave home. A night away shouldn't be a problem.

BHRK · 09/07/2023 17:32

Of course you “let” him go! Jeez, how do these kids become adults??

Lefteyetwitch · 09/07/2023 17:34

At 17 if he bottles it he has to work it out.

You tell him he can go but it's all on him. No damsel in distress. He has to rescue himself.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 09/07/2023 17:34

Why would you say no?! He’s 17!

Echobelly · 09/07/2023 17:34

If you trust your child and their mates, and I mean by that they haven't given you any reason to mistrust them, not 'They're my baby and they're too little for this', then yes, I'd allow it. It's long been normal for people 16+ to travel with mates, and it's great to start with 1 night rather than a longer trip.

If travelling with mates will help him get over his fear of flying and anxiety, then great. If he's forgetful, then he has friends with him. I think this sounds like a really good, low-stakes way of spreading his wings.

LubaLuca · 09/07/2023 17:34

Yes, I went on holiday with my friends after A Levels when I was 17. That's standard, there'll usually be at least one 17 year old in those kinds of groups.

WilkinsonM · 09/07/2023 17:38

cheezncrackers · 09/07/2023 16:44

He's never flown before and now he wants to do it with two friends on what sounds like a whim? I think that would be a 'No' from me. I'm all for teens learning independence, developing a sense of responsibility and pushing themselves to be more brave, but if he's never even taken a flight with his family, due to his own fear, I can't help feeling that he is very ill-prepared for what he's proposing. Where's he planning to go? Will it cost much? I have a feeling that when it gets nearer he may bail at the last minute ...

Your attitude to this is so ass backward! He's been too scared to do a very normal safe thing until encouraged by friends and now he feels confident enough to do it and your response is not to let him as a consequence of being too scared in the past

FGS

WilkinsonM · 09/07/2023 17:40

BungleandGeorge · 09/07/2023 17:29

I would say no. If he has a flying phobia you may end up having to rescue him! What happens if he gets on the flight out but is too scared to come back!
17 isn’t the same as being 18. If May seem irrational to some but at 17 you’re a minor and your parents are responsible for you and at 18 you’re an adult. I think it’s tricky being abroad alone if you’re not technically an adult

He doesn't have a flying phobia! There is zero reason to think he'd refuse to fly home. This is catastrophising. So what if he's a minor? What difference do you think it makes to anything?

SirenSays · 09/07/2023 17:41

I'd be encouraging him to go

Hellokittymania · 09/07/2023 17:41

op if it is a comfort to you at all, I am visually impaired and did an exchange program in Puerto Rico at 19, although it was with my university, I did have to go on my own. I was living in the US at the time, so not too too far to go, but it was a different language, a different culture in a lot of ways, and a very difficult environment for a very naïve 19-year-old like me to handle. Looking back on it, I learned so much, but it didn’t have the best ending, just because I was too young to handle a lot of it.

I would say, if you can try and get to know his friends as well and just trust them to do the right thing and be OK. Even if you can’t get there if he does need help, you can always contact him on FaceTime or Messenger or whatever app he uses, and try and work things through that way. Also, don’t forget there are embassies and consulates abroad, that if something really serious does go wrong, can’t step in and help. There are also a number of foreigners from the UK who live in many different places around the world, and many of them are friendly and will give a hand if needed. You just have to ask. So, if worse comes to worst, keep those things in mind.

I think one night away with friends may be a good start, and he might do more with his friends than he does with you, I know I certainly was like this when it came to my mom being over protective with me when I was younger. So maybe, you can think of some strategies with him, that he can use if he does get afraid to board the plane, but ultimately, I would say maybe let him face his fears and take on the challenge.

I am an extremely nervous flyer, and having a disability and having to cope with airport staff, some of whom can be really nasty, it’s very difficult for me. I always take something I like to do on the plane, so now it’s Lego, crafting, whatever I can bring, chocolates or things I like to eat, a good audiobook etc. also, some airports can be more difficult than others, and can be more user-friendly than others.

Ruffpuff · 09/07/2023 17:44

I went abroad alone for a week when I’d just turned 17. I had the best time and I made memories I’ll always cherish. Let them go!

Maddy70 · 09/07/2023 17:45

No I wouldn't let him unless it was for something amazon... Why is he only going for 1 night?

If its for a concert or something then I definitely would allow it

EggInANest · 09/07/2023 17:47

Mine went inter-railing with friends for 6 weeks at 17.

About half the year from their school went in different groups. None came to any harm.

I actually think many teens become more sensible when they have to.

RaininSummer · 09/07/2023 17:49

Depends how sensible he and friends are. If they are likely to get so drunk that they drown, fall off balconies or get arrested then best not.

ODFOx · 09/07/2023 17:50

He won't be significantly more mature as he hits 18 so it isn't worth arguing over imo.
Just give him as much advice and help as you can before you release him to this next level of independence.
I hope g he e has a great time.