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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How to holiday with socially anxious teen??

86 replies

Neurons · 24/06/2023 22:16

We have campervanning holidays twice a year. Both teens too big to sleep in the van so they share a big tent.

Eldest teen has severe anxieties. She has panic attacks over spiders, hates camping, flies, the outdoors, holidays, people, anything that doesn’t involve a screen, and can freeze or go mute if she can’t find the right words or answers.

my other teenager is engaging, socially confident, a complete contrast.

How do we have family holidays??

I am due to get a GP appointment to see where we can help my daughter (she’s 16 and due to start college in the autumn, yet she can’t even manage to get a bus by herself yet).

How can I support someone who is terrified of camping and the outdoors and insects and people, yet ensure thenother 3 members of the hardworking family get their deserved break? I’m flummoxed. We can’t afford hotel/indoor holidays.

Any advice or pointers to UK based teenage anxiety forums very gratefully received.

OP posts:
greenplantspinkflowers · 24/06/2023 22:19

My child is terrified of bugs, spiders and flies - it's ruined holidays for me! I'm considering hypnotherapy for him as even he is tired of being so scared of them. Maybe that's something you could consider? I don't know if it will work though!

SheAppears · 24/06/2023 22:29

Do you have any other type of holiday?

I really hate camping. Hated it as a child, and I hate it as an adult.

Pickaholidayformeplease · 24/06/2023 22:32

Leave her with a relative or friend? It doesn't sound like she enjoys it at all. Can you afford a couple of nights in a B&B?

greenplantspinkflowers · 24/06/2023 22:36

And as the pp have said - don't make her go if there's someone she can stay with. Holidays are meant to be fun, and this sounds more like a punishment for her!

chemistnightmare · 24/06/2023 22:36

I just wouldn't do it. We have had to miss many things over the years because one or another of us haven't been able for various reasons. Sure get help for her anxieties (it sounds like she has a lot going on) but I think that has to be unrelated to a family holiday.

I'm sorry I know that's not what you want to hear but in the short term it is the most practical way to avoid making her distressed.

XelaM · 24/06/2023 22:48

I hate camping even though I'm not scared of bugs. Don't make her go.

Lindy2 · 24/06/2023 22:49

Can she sleep in the camper van instead of the tent? There's less likely to be spiders inside the van and she might feel less anxious than in the tent.

RagzRebooted · 24/06/2023 22:51

A long weekend in an Airbnb may be as cheap as week at a campsite. I've never paid more than £100 a night for 5 of us in school holidays in the UK.
Easier to cook and clean up, shower/bath. WiFi. Everyone's happy.
We camp a weekend or two a year as well. But Airbnb is definitely more relaxing for everyone.

Gymmum82 · 24/06/2023 22:53

Leave her at home

BringOnSummerHolidays · 24/06/2023 22:53

Sorry I hate camping. I’d rather stay home then go camping. It’s torture and not a break or holiday. I’m glad no one is forcing me to go camping anymore. She is 16. Let her stay home.

SensitiveB · 24/06/2023 22:57

even if you need a holiday this sounds no fun for her at all. I definitely wouldn’t put her in the tent if you do go as agree with previous poster might she at least cope better with being in the van?

watermeloncougar · 24/06/2023 23:03

It can't be relaxing or enjoyable for any of you. I think the options are:

-she sleeps in the caravan
-you don't do holidays for the moment
-she stays with a relative/friend while the rest of you go away

If there's no one she can stay with and you're desperate for a holiday, then the first option is best. She can take iPads and stuff and sit in the caravan if she hates being outside that much. It's not reasonable for the rest of the family to have to forego holidays really.

Original poster
Neurons · 24/06/2023 23:17

Sleeping arrangements in the campervan (it’s not a caravan)

are limited. She’d be topping and tailing with husband at best. But yes that’s probably the only alternative as she hates the tent.

But this still doesn’t help with the rest of the holiday such as visiting places being outside of the campervan.

And needless to say eating out anywhere is totally off limits, we can’t enjoy family meals out together. My younger teenager finds this a bit upsetting that we have to sacrifice certain visits to places or things to do and see because his older sister just can’t stand being around people or noises or lights or crowds or anything.

There must be a family on here with a severely anxious teen that still manages somehow to have holidays with them?

OP posts:
Original poster
Neurons · 24/06/2023 23:20

Also there is nobody she can stay with for 10 days at a time as we have no close family that she feels comfortable with, and she can’t interact with her friends in the usual sense, so staying with anyone else is out of her comfort zone.

Husband is against her staying home by herself at 16. She’s sensible enough, but doesn’t know how to cook for herself, and would absolutely forget to lock the doors at night and so on.

OP posts:
greysockmissing · 24/06/2023 23:27

Sounds like you have an autistic teen...one who is being forced to endure a lot. Maybe ask her what she wants to do for a holiday and go from there.
Either go camping separately, wait a while or do something different.

Mariposista · 24/06/2023 23:31

I wouldn't bother - sounds like a nightmare

theskyispurple · 24/06/2023 23:31

One of my boys is autistic with dad and severe social,anxiety.
The absolute worst thought for me is that our family would knowingly choose to have a holiday day that increased his anxiety, we do everything we can to make sure his needs are prioritised and met in a way that we can all get some sort of a break.
Any reason why she can't sleep in the van alone and the rest of you sleep,in the tent? And take it in turns to take other kid out to busy places, seek out quieter places for trips out, let her help plan. But don't whatever you do force her to go along with stuff that makes her feel so awful.

Bunce1 · 24/06/2023 23:31

This all sounds quite intense and I don’t think there is a scenario where this level of anxiety is met with a solution that makes camping fun for her. Or even bearable.

Sounds like autism, but you say severe anxiety. What help does she have? What has your doctor said? He behaviours are quite extreme and prevent her from living an ordinary life- so what’s being done to help with that?

I am not having a go, but it sounds like things are terrible and now you want some kind of quick fix to make it good.

Hippydippydipchip · 24/06/2023 23:35

I wouldn’t do it. I wouldnt force my child to go through that twice a year.

Id rather do 1 holiday every other year and book a long weekend away inside somewhere then to put her through that for my pleasure.

As parents we have to do stuff we don’t like and this is one of them.

PinkDaffodil2 · 24/06/2023 23:37

For your trips either she sleeps in the camper van (with you, or maybe alone) and others in the tent, or you go for a shorter holiday maybe 5 days and she stays home - increasing the length of time as she gets more comfortable.
More broadly though - this sounds very much like ASD from your description - has this been considered / assessed for? Just because different strategies might help even if there’s co-existing anxiety.

Hippydippydipchip · 24/06/2023 23:38

How can I support someone who is terrified of camping and the outdoors and insects and people

By doing the right thing and not booking a camping holiday.

Youdoyoubabe · 24/06/2023 23:39

My 16 year old hates camping. She stays home with the dogs if we go. Do you have to make her go? She would be old enough to stay home alone. Or could have a friend over if you didn’t want her alone.

42isthemeaning · 24/06/2023 23:41

I think you cannot expect your dd to do this kind of holiday. She's probably already picking up vibes that her younger sibling is beginning to resent her for her difficulties. This will increase the anxiety, as will forcing her into situations she finds overwhelming. Have you asked dd what she'd prefer to do? You may need to forgo a family holiday until you've worked out how to meet dd's needs. I am a parent to two neurodiverse teens and found that premier inns and static caravans work well because they have become very familiar to them. I hope you can find a way of enjoying a holiday together.

Original poster
Neurons · 24/06/2023 23:41

She hasn’t been diagnosed yet. CAHMS have so far taken nearly 3 years to process our original request, delayed by Covid and location delays.

All I’m experienced with and that leads me to say, is she shows signs of severe anxiety (I also had this at her age).

No, I don’t ‘want a quick fix to make it good’ as you suggest, that’s very much off the radar of possibility. The question is how to meet all the family’s needs on holiday including her’s - or even if that’s possible.

We work very hard, and for the rest of the year we do all we can to sacrifice day trips family visits or meals out so that our daughter doesn’t have to suffer, but once a year, we need a break too.

There must be a way around this somehow so that everyone’s happy. Otherwise we’re a pressure bomb.

OP posts:
watermeloncougar · 24/06/2023 23:43

@Neurons ok here's a suggestion. Instead of twice a year fairly long camping trips, how about your dh taking the other teenager away for a camping trip, while you're home with anxious dd. Then at another time, you could book 2 or 3 nights away in an air bnb, just on your own. That way, everyone in the family gets a break, apart from the dd who hates holidays.

It's not ideal I know, because you probably would prefer to holiday with your dh but I think for the moment, you need to think creatively about how to manage things. I'm sure by just doing one camping trip, you could run to a couple of nights away for a single adult? There wouldn't be much price different because you'd only need a small air bnb for just you