How to holiday with socially anxious teen??

[Neurons]

We have campervanning holidays twice a year. Both teens too big to sleep in the van so they share a big tent.

Eldest teen has severe anxieties. She has panic attacks over spiders, hates camping, flies, the outdoors, holidays, people, anything that doesn’t involve a screen, and can freeze or go mute if she can’t find the right words or answers.

my other teenager is engaging, socially confident, a complete contrast.

How do we have family holidays??

I am due to get a GP appointment to see where we can help my daughter (she’s 16 and due to start college in the autumn, yet she can’t even manage to get a bus by herself yet).

How can I support someone who is terrified of camping and the outdoors and insects and people, yet ensure thenother 3 members of the hardworking family get their deserved break? I’m flummoxed. We can’t afford hotel/indoor holidays.

Any advice or pointers to UK based teenage anxiety forums very gratefully received.

You can't have family holidays is the answer. How you deal with that emotionally, I don't know.

We work very hard, and for the rest of the year we do all we can to sacrifice day trips family visits or meals out so that our daughter doesn’t have to suffer, but once a year, we need a break too.

Sounds like you're all tiptoeing around your screen-addicted 16yo to the detriment of the rest of the family. I feel sorry for your younger child. If you can't leave DD at home, cancel the holiday and spend half the money on getting the older child assessed/diagnosed and the other half of it treating the younger one.

I think I'd leave her at home - can you just ring her every night to make sure she's locked up and leave her some easy meals? Maybe go for a week instead of 10 days?

not trying to offend but can't you do another type of holiday? if one of our family hated or was scared of camping i simply wouldn't go. premier inn are quite cheap if it's the cost. .....or let her sleep in the van and parents in the tent?

And yes, it's not fair that the other child is having to forego all sorts of activities because their sibling has difficulties. You need to spend time taking them out and doing stuff.

Whatever her health issues are, making her go camping and sleep in a tent really isn’t helping her. If one of your family loathed the heat and it really impacted their health would you take them to somewhere that averaged 32 degrees every year? If bugs make her that anxious, sleeping out in a tent must be leave her in a permanent state of anxiety for the whole holiday.

Perhaps, next time get her involved with the holiday planning and let her have some real input? (If you haven't tried already) She may feel so much more at ease if she's had a say in where you stay, activities etc.

Sounds stressful for you all, I hope you have a great time regardless

Couldn't you and your husband sleep in the tent, and let both girls sleep in the campervan (sorry if this has been asked/answered already...too many replies to browse)

She won't come back here because she was served with some home thruts that may have hit a nerve.

My DD is autistic and we have similar issues. You have to balance everyone's needs which is tricky. For us, it was finding options, talking through plans and planning ahead. With the sleeping arrangements, you don't say what the family make up is but perhaps she could sleep in the van and others camp? That way she has a place to retreat to. For eating / trips we found looking at the options helps enormously. So planning where to eat out, finding places with menus online so can think about food without the time pressure of a waiter standing there while you decide. Going to places off the beaten track so they are not busy and full of tourists! Or taking picnics / getting takeaways. Sometimes we would go out and she would stay 'home' for the day. Ensuring there was somewhere for her to be alone. Because she needed time to recharge. Because she didn't want to stay home on her own while we went away either.....

A conversation about which bits she finds hard is helpful. It may surprise you. Some things were fine, others not so much. You need to be imaginative to find a way that works for everyone - because everyone is equally important.

OP said she can’t be around people, crowds, noise, lights, doesn’t lock her house door, won’t cook, so probably won’t be living independently in 2 years.

Tag team trips with one adult at home and the other away with the younger child, then swap seem the obvious answer. Making the 16yr old suffer just so everyone can be in the same place at the same time is not working out.

Middlelanehogger
Yes you’re right. We already do the gentle introduction with forewarning to activities.

A 10 day holiday in a touring campervan really isn’t that unusual, and I haven’t met a camper yet who doesn’t love staying outdoors as long as possible.

Thankyou Nandocushion that’s excellent advice and very, very helpful.

LegendsBeyond she won’t be leaving home in 2 years she isn’t ready to function in an adult world yet.

Isthatascratchonmygrandmother. Mm, I’ve been on Mumsnet since 2009. Your comments are leading but not correct. What I am asking for is advice from mothers with socially anxious teens on how they cope with family holidays. If you’re also a mother with one of these teens you know that we spend every waking moment trying to make everyone happy. Our own happiness is the lowest priority.

Mars27
I’m not commenting constantly because I tend to leave a thread to build answers and advice then come back to it. I’ve been on Mumsnet since 2009. I don’t like to get involved in the bun fights. It’s still a good place to come for help.

handmademitlove
Thankyou that’s great advice.

Have a look at exposure therapy, its sort of linked with CBT and has been shown to be very effective with anxiety and panic. My DS has managed to get his anxiety to manageable or extinction levels with using it…but he did have professional help

just you and hubby sleep in the tent for heavens sake

The only thing that worked for my DD was drugs. She’s like a different person since she’s been on medication. CAMHS were useless. Unfortunately it’s difficult for GPs to prescribe anti-anxiety meds before the age of18, so you may need to go to a private psychiatrist.

Why would anyone hope for their mentally unstable child to leave home at 18

Op
Our dd was incredibly anxious and had/has a phobia that affected her life.
It's different to your dd but she really Struggled with life and sometimes I felt we would never make it through whilst worrying myself sick about her.
She had therapy and saw a psychologist during her teens for anxiety but fundamentally didn't change that much .
She's now just finishing her first year of a levels and the change in her in the last year is unbelievable.
She has taken control of her phobia so she controls it not the other way round and things she couldn't cope with are getting so much better.

I honestly think it's growing up and understanding herself that has helped and definitely made all our lives easier.obviously there's much more to it but she's doing amazingly.
She couldn't even go in a local shop by herself and now she doesn't give it a thought.has a part time job etc

I learned that for her phobia it's important not to minimise or belittle her as she can't control it so camping seems a difficult choice for her right now .we were told to ask her what the worst that would happen was and get her to discuss her fears etc to gain control and clarity for herself.

Feel free to send me a message if you need to chat - I honestly know how difficult it is.

We were too broke to have family holidays when I was a teenager and tbh that was ok. They aren't compulsory. Dies your dd really 'need a break' when it's this stressful? Surely what she needs is support to try new experiences, rather than a holiday as such?

We did have holidays when I was younger and I remember too well my sister's multiple phobias. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy the holiday but I do remember my parents constant stress levels. But they also kept doing the same sorts of holidays - think sticking with beach holidays despite a seaweed phobia, why??

I personally would sell the campervan and use that money for other trips (and possibly a private assessment/therapy). But if it's your and your dh's heart's desire then of course you keep trying. Could a relative come and stay with the kids while you and dh have a weekend away just the two of you? Could your younger child go on Scouts or British Trust for Conservation Volunteers residential trips?

I'd honestly rather stay home and have no holiday than go camping. I've been on so many camping trips, always thought I was supposed to be having fun but just hated it.

You need to go on different holidays, self catering lodges probably, and less often. She needs her own space.

FWIW I've never taken my dc's anywhere on holiday as DD can't cope and I'd only end up with more pressure.

Camping really isn't for everyone. People who don't have anxiety even hate the thought of sleeping on the floor in a cooped up tent and public toilets would be miserable on holiday.

I don't see how camping is a relaxing holiday.

Could you at least get in a caravan near a beach? With camping you just do everything you do at home, outside / in a tent.

I know some love it, but if your daughter hates camping, as well as her anxiety issues, she's not going to enjoy it. Let her stay at home.

Also sleeping in a tent on the floor for 10 days doesn't sound enjoyable. I've only been on camping trips for 2, 3 nights at a push.

I just don't put camping in the 'holiday' camp. Pardon the pun. It's a trip away, but it's not exactly a holiday.

Thing is you can't treat/support her as a teen with anxiety if it's actually something else underlying the anxiety, perhaps neurodiversity. Your trying to work with the symptom rather than the cause, which sounds like a hiding to nothing.

For the time being don't make her camp if it causes her that much distress.
You and DH take turns to go away with the other child so they don't miss out and you both get a break. You could even do one ten day trip and swap parents half way.
I know you'd rather spend the holiday together but this is your daughter's health and there will be opportunity in the future.

Thanks for the advice and opinions everyone. We’ve had a good family moot and think we’ve found a solution that suits everyone.

I’ve also run this past a dedicated family camping forum because unless you have experience of holidaying with an old VW campervan and a pup tent or awning room, you are unlikely to understand exactly how these holidays work (whether a family member has issues or not.)

We have a camper and an anxious teen. The part you need help with is prioritising the teen, it's not a camper forum type of problem.