Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How to holiday with socially anxious teen??

86 replies

Neurons · 24/06/2023 22:16

We have campervanning holidays twice a year. Both teens too big to sleep in the van so they share a big tent.

Eldest teen has severe anxieties. She has panic attacks over spiders, hates camping, flies, the outdoors, holidays, people, anything that doesn’t involve a screen, and can freeze or go mute if she can’t find the right words or answers.

my other teenager is engaging, socially confident, a complete contrast.

How do we have family holidays??

I am due to get a GP appointment to see where we can help my daughter (she’s 16 and due to start college in the autumn, yet she can’t even manage to get a bus by herself yet).

How can I support someone who is terrified of camping and the outdoors and insects and people, yet ensure thenother 3 members of the hardworking family get their deserved break? I’m flummoxed. We can’t afford hotel/indoor holidays.

Any advice or pointers to UK based teenage anxiety forums very gratefully received.

OP posts:
Hippydippydipchip · 24/06/2023 23:43

Neurons · 24/06/2023 23:41

She hasn’t been diagnosed yet. CAHMS have so far taken nearly 3 years to process our original request, delayed by Covid and location delays.

All I’m experienced with and that leads me to say, is she shows signs of severe anxiety (I also had this at her age).

No, I don’t ‘want a quick fix to make it good’ as you suggest, that’s very much off the radar of possibility. The question is how to meet all the family’s needs on holiday including her’s - or even if that’s possible.

We work very hard, and for the rest of the year we do all we can to sacrifice day trips family visits or meals out so that our daughter doesn’t have to suffer, but once a year, we need a break too.

There must be a way around this somehow so that everyone’s happy. Otherwise we’re a pressure bomb.

You wrote twice a year in your original post.

Go for a shorter trip and leave her at home for the weekend.

You can’t keep forcing her to go when she has panic attacks over it. It’s not fair on her.

Save up and book a indoor holiday.

Invisimamma · 24/06/2023 23:44

Camping is fucking awful if it's not your kind of thing. Don't make her do this. It sounds like her issues stem way beyond not liking it though, why would you actively make her feel so far out of her comfort zone. It sounds like she needs some professional help but in the meantime family camping is not the answer!

Could you use the money for day trips with your son instead, theme parks, meals out, maybe an overnight UK city break, that kind of thing. Leave DD behind and let him bring a friend. It will be much more enjoyable for all of you.

TappingTed · 24/06/2023 23:46

You and hubby sleep in the tent?
If she isn’t autistic she really needs to get a bit of a grip tbh. The more she avoids things that make her anxious, the more she will be anxious as she feeds the fear rather than confronting it. It’s a won’t rather than a can’t and she needs to take steps to feel the fear and do it anyway. If it’s not autism that is… that’s a can’t. Not a won’t.

PastTheGin · 24/06/2023 23:47

It would be cruel and counterproductive to make your daughter go on holiday with you. I understand how much the rest of the family want and deserve a holiday, but this can’t be at your daughter’s expense.
You will need to think about alternatives that work for everybody - send other teen on a group holiday, have a night or two away with your partner on your own.
You will have holidays when your daughter is better! Focus on getting her some help.

watermeloncougar · 24/06/2023 23:47

Also I don't think you should always avoid meals out and other social activities just because one child is anxious. That's really not fair on the rest of the family. It's a big

Mars27 · 24/06/2023 23:48

Why are you forcing something she doesn't like on her? It's only a family holiday if it suits everyone. This is very thoughtless

Sundaefraise · 24/06/2023 23:49

She sounds like my autistic dd and I’m slightly shocked that you just think she’s anxious and you need to manage her through it. Stop making her do things she can’t cope with - it’s horrible parenting. On a practical note I would suggest doing things in twos, so individual breaks with younger teen. Yes, you might not get the break you want, but this is life - sometimes it doesn’t work how we think it should.

Middlelanehogger · 24/06/2023 23:56

Camping holidays aren't everyone's cup of tea but sounds like it's a bigger issue than that. I agree if you fully indulge her she will build it up in her mind.

Is there an option to forego the camping holiday (or do separate father/son and mother/son trips, alternating perhaps for the next year or two until DD can stay alone).

But combine that with being a bit more direct with social engagements that are smaller scale during the year. e.g. tell her she needs to come with you to visit auntie Susan for 30min, or come out for dinner etc. So it doesn't feel like you're building up pressure constantly, and DD only has to do the hard thing for one evening instead of non-stop for 10 days?

(I was socially anxious as a teenager and would have probably leaned into it and had it become a real problem but my parents wouldn't let me - for which I'm very grateful although it felt horrid at the time.)

StrugglingWeight · 24/06/2023 23:57

What your actually asking is how can we keep camping for extended periods of time even though my likely autistic daughter can't cope?

Sounds like your sleeping in a cameraman and she in a tent? First simple solution seems to be her and her sister in the capervan, or her and you and the other two in a tent. Why do you jump to her and your husband?

Shorter trips may be easier for her

Tbh for 10 days camping you can probably get 5 days in an cottage somewhere maybe even a week. She can't cope with the existing arrangement, she has at best severe anxiety but it's sounds more like neurodivergence, camping for 10 days with her in a tent is not an option

StrugglingWeight · 24/06/2023 23:58

Hopefully your sleeping in a campervan not a cameraman 🤣

Willowkins · 25/06/2023 00:00

What works with my socially anxious teen is telling them what's going to happen next; and speaking for them if it's in a restaurant. For example: we're going to arrive at the site in 5 minutes, we'll put up the tent and then you can get things the way you like them; DD would like water to drink and the jacket potato with cheese to eat - yes she'll have the salad with that.

Middlelanehogger · 25/06/2023 00:01

Also I quite like camping, probably more than the average person but 10 days in a row is a lot even for a moderately keen camper...

StrugglingWeight · 25/06/2023 00:02

Neurons · 24/06/2023 23:17

Sleeping arrangements in the campervan (it’s not a caravan)

are limited. She’d be topping and tailing with husband at best. But yes that’s probably the only alternative as she hates the tent.

But this still doesn’t help with the rest of the holiday such as visiting places being outside of the campervan.

And needless to say eating out anywhere is totally off limits, we can’t enjoy family meals out together. My younger teenager finds this a bit upsetting that we have to sacrifice certain visits to places or things to do and see because his older sister just can’t stand being around people or noises or lights or crowds or anything.

There must be a family on here with a severely anxious teen that still manages somehow to have holidays with them?

I'm sure there's people that manage to holiday with an anxious teen. But the only option you seem to consider is 10 days camping with her in a tent and you in a van!

YerAWizardHarry · 25/06/2023 00:05

You’re delusional if you think this is “just” anxiety….

BonnieGlasses · 25/06/2023 00:06

Willowkins · 25/06/2023 00:00

What works with my socially anxious teen is telling them what's going to happen next; and speaking for them if it's in a restaurant. For example: we're going to arrive at the site in 5 minutes, we'll put up the tent and then you can get things the way you like them; DD would like water to drink and the jacket potato with cheese to eat - yes she'll have the salad with that.

You're not helping your teenager by speaking for them. Social anxiety or not, interacting in shops and restaurants is a basic life skill. That goes for the OP's daughter too.

Nandocushion · 25/06/2023 00:08

Hi, OP. I had this very anxious, autistic teen DD. Her issues were almost identical to your DD's. She didn't have actual panic attacks, but would hyperventilate and catastrophise and was afraid of her own shadow.

We actually went ahead and holidayed as we normally would, trying along the way to make it as easy as possible for her. We would go over the itinerary many times with her so she knew what to expect, and we would let her know what would happen if something didn't go to plan, ie the flight was delayed or cancelled. She knew what the plan was each day, even if the plan was just to hang out by the beach.

We never, during a holiday, expected her to do something she was uncomfortable with, like ordering her own food in a restaurant (or even saying a single word to anyone really). And we made sure she had time alone to herself every day to just play on her phone or whatever calmed her down.

In order to help her overcome her anxieties we absolutely DID get her to step out of her comfort zone when she was at home, in a familiar environment. Baby steps, taking the bus with her on the route she needed to go on over and over until she was bored of it. Waiting for her to speak when the server asked her what she wanted for her meal (and our total shock when she finally actually said it herself!). She's quite independent now (18). She gained in confidence slowly over the years, partly by being made to try things that scared her, but also partly just by doing more things on her own - going out for walks, cooking simple meals, etc - which showed her that she was actually capable of doing more.

Is there any way at all you can make a camping trip more comfortable for her? Even just slightly less stressful? Would she, say, prefer to be by the ocean but you always pick wooded camping spots, etc? Maybe she could have her own one-person tent, or you could get the kids a larger one (maybe with two 'rooms') so she feels more like she has her own space. Lots of bug spray, etc. And I echo PP that if this isn't possible, then I think you have to consider one parent taking the younger teen away on their own, you taking turns for each holiday maybe.

AndEverWhoKnew · 25/06/2023 00:13

I agree with a PP, that what you're describing isn't social anxiety. If you must all go away in the camper then let the DCs stay in the camper and you and DH sleep in the tent. If DD can't go to restaurants then either you or DH stay in the camper with her whilst the other goes out for dinner with her sibling.
What does she enjoy that isn't on a screen? Reading, cards, photography, games - schedule them in. Are there any 'screen related' external activities she'd like eg visiting film locations, etc.
You need to work with the DC you have. Atm group meals and excursions don't sound manageable. Focus on what is achievable.

watermeloncougar · 25/06/2023 09:58

@Neurons I hope you come back to this thread because there are some great suggestions.

I really don't know why you're so fixated on doing a long family holiday when it's clearly so uncomfortable for all of you! Why not do separate breaks with the other teenager, so that the one who doesn't like holidays isn't forced to go? That way everyone who wants one, gets a break. If you make the holidays shorter, you can afford more of them. 10 days seems a marathon even for keen campers!

Alongside this, I think it's right to gradually build your dd's resilience to situations. Even if she does get a diagnosis, she's still got to function in the world and it's not good for anyone to sit in their room on screens all the time. But by gradual I mean really short trips out, maybe starting with a drink in a cafe, visiting a relative etc and then see if you can work up to a family meal out. It seems like you have a fixed idea in your head that the family have got to enjoy (or endure!) 10 days of camping which is madness when it's clearly a cause of stress. It's not serving it's purpose of being a relaxing experience for any of you

LaraPeople · 25/06/2023 12:03

Why would you expect her to do things on holiday that she cannot do at home?
It's very unfortunate but having a child with mental health problems affects the whole family. It's a tragedy for the young person themself but also for their parents/ siblings.
You need to face up to the fact that your daughter has anxiety. You need to address this as your top priority. Holidays are not the priority. It isn't fair on the others but that is one reason why mental health issues are shit

SheAppears · 25/06/2023 12:10

That's a good point, why can't you and DH sleep in the tent and the DC sleep in the camper?

crumpet · 25/06/2023 12:12

That was my question. Why don’t you and husband sleep in the tent?

StillWantingADog · 25/06/2023 12:16

i wouldn’t take her.
but I would make an effort to take the other dc away even if it just ends up being the two of you.

or if you own the camper, two short trips, one with each parent

LegendsBeyond · 25/06/2023 12:22

Well hopefully she’ll be leaving home at 18, so you only have 2 more years of this. I’d go away with your DS & leave Dad with your Dd at home, then swap. Surely by 17/18 she can be left on her own.

Hoppinggreen · 25/06/2023 12:26

SheAppears · 25/06/2023 12:10

That's a good point, why can't you and DH sleep in the tent and the DC sleep in the camper?

Mixed sex teens would have to share a bed.
I agree with other people though, unfortunately an activity that causes so much anxiety in one member of the family have to be off the menu

Isthatascratchonmygrandmother · 25/06/2023 12:27

I see mental health awareness still has a long way to go.
It makes me laugh when people say 'get a grip' - don't you think people would if they could? Who would choose to sabotage their life in a manner that others get to avoid?

Your problem is OP, is that you are concerned with your own comfort rather than your daughters. She is inconvenient to you. Adjustments can be made and it looks like you're not interested.