Messy bedrooms

[Rotormotor]

My DD is17. Her bedroom is consistently disgusting. I occasionally used to tidy it. Now I don’t. Drinks cans, overflowing bin, dirty clothes mixed in with ones that need hanging up, occasional used sanitary towel, spilt make up, wet towels..

I have asked, argued, shouted, pleaded. She will not tidy up. Says she’ll get around to it. She doesn’t. She does nothing around the house so keeping her room reasonably tidy, putting dirty clothes in the laundry bin etc is the minimum I expect.

can anyone suggest a strategy? I could just leave it but I feel cross that she does absolutely nothing around the house.

I could just leave it but I feel cross that she does absolutely nothing around the house.

How did she get to 17 without ever doing anything? Or did she used to and stopped?

The former makes me think you can't have have expectations of her that you haven't set. The latter though, that's just sudden disrespect from somewhere, so looking for the point where things changed will help you iron it out.

I never cared about my teens rooms but they were brought up helping around the house as their norm so their rooms were up to them. If they refused the usual help out I would have issued consequences. At 17 one of them was financially independent so I would have withdrawn things like lifts and washing etc. The other was dependant so it would have been a financial consequence.

Ignore her room. It's hers. Just insist that she keeps the door closed so you don't have to see it.

But she needs to be doing something to help keep the rest of the house going. Does/can she cook? Is there a dog to walk?

She does nothing. Yes that’s probably my fault. I don’t feel great that it’s got to this.

Why does she do nothing? If you have never expected her to do nothing I think YABU to be annoyed that she does nothing. If she used to take part in day to day tasks then you need to look at where the behaviour changed before you can work on fixing it with her.

Yeah ok…I don’t know why she does nothing?? I’m a bad parent? I was too busy to be consistent in my house rules? Who knows? I came to ask for some advice on the current situation.

I was trying to offer some advice but it's different depending on whether she has suddenly stopped doing household tasks or if you never expected her to do them in the first place. Nobody is calling you a bad parent. It makes no difference to me whether she did chores or not but it would make all the difference to you in terms of moving forward to know if it's has been a sudden breakdown or her normal.

So stop doing her washing. I assume you do it.

Posted too soon. But anyway, refuse to enter her room and retrieve laundry. It won't get done. It won't be long before she notices and gets pissed off.

And remind her, once she gets to 18, she is living in your home at your kindness.

Ok thanks. Might try that the laundry idea.

USED sanitary towels?!?!!!!!!

As with PP, stop doing stuff for her. Stop doing laundry. Stop buying her new clothes. Stop buying her make up. Go back to basics and give her pocket money for chores.

It’s better to make some harsh changes now then hitting breaking point in a couple of years and end up chucking her out.

Change the WiFi password. Then don't tell them what it is until the chores are completed.

At 17 perhaps the question of driving lessons will come up. Which you will not support or fund until there is a sustained improvement in cleanliness, I hope.

Thanks. She had a well paid Saturday job so money isn’t t an option but WiFi might be. Thanks.

Dh said when he was young his dad told him he was clearing the room if they didn’t clean it. They didn’t believe him until he started bagging Lego, magazines, clothes etc. tell your daughter you’ve had it and don’t have time to clean but will have time to bum (btw I’m all talk and don’t know that I’d have the guts to do this but still!!)

That was bin not bum😅😅😅😅😅

No food and drink is allowed upstairs here, which I find helps massively to the state of their room. I make the beds each morning but the rest is up to them.

I do cheat and have a cleaner, and they absolutely know that on a Friday morning, floors and surfaces need to be clear for her. No negotiation. Then I can relax over the weekend knowing the house is clean, but also relax in the week knowing that the mess is just a few days mess. I don't know if it's the shame of knowing someone else comes in or just that they know I'll leave them alone on the other days if they sort it out for Fridays, but it has made life much better.

Having brought up 4 DC to become well rounded adults - I would say ignore the room. It’s not a battle you will win. My children all went through that phase and my one rule was that their filthy habits did not spill in the family areas of the house. They were responsible for cleaning their own rooms and bathrooms and if it didn’t get done, it was not my problem to sort out and I chose not to care about it.

We don’t allow food and drink in our teens room for this reason; she actually breaks that rule but because she’s so keen to hide that she breaks it there is no mess left behind so we pretend not to know.
I don’t worry about the bedroom but I would be saying that she’s going to end up smelling and people will think of her as the smelly person which is inevitable if she mixes dirty and clean clothes and leaves sanitary towels which is grim

No food upstairs has always been a rule here and no drinks other than water, apart from that I don't really care about the rooms, just shut the door on them.

They do cook and help with laundry etc.

Did she clean before?
Did she had a habit, some chores to do since kid?

😆😆😆

I'd try the wifi. Change the password daily if you need to. Or give her a deadline - give her a week to sort it, or you're going with a bin bag and everything lying around is going in the bin. That was very effective when my parents did it to me. They also told me I would get mice in my room, which also helped!

For those asking if she had chores before. I could have been more consistent on this but she doesn’t sit around like the Queen of Sheba!. However her slobbiness has reached new heights since becoming a teen. Addressing it invariably ends in a row.

Tbh she’s a decent kid in most ways but her messiness drives me insane.

When it comes to my teenagers, I ignore their bedrooms, with two caveats, no meals to be brought to the bedrooms, and dirty clothes must be in the basket if they want them washed. Their rooms usually look like a bombsite, but every now and then they will get sick of the mess themselves and strip the beds, clean and hoover. It's their mess, if they can live with it, so can I.

Ugh mine is the same
Although there is nothing dirty
Towels, crockery, food are a no go
I have certain limits and she knows that