Messy bedrooms

[Rotormotor]

My DD is17. Her bedroom is consistently disgusting. I occasionally used to tidy it. Now I don’t. Drinks cans, overflowing bin, dirty clothes mixed in with ones that need hanging up, occasional used sanitary towel, spilt make up, wet towels..

I have asked, argued, shouted, pleaded. She will not tidy up. Says she’ll get around to it. She doesn’t. She does nothing around the house so keeping her room reasonably tidy, putting dirty clothes in the laundry bin etc is the minimum I expect.

can anyone suggest a strategy? I could just leave it but I feel cross that she does absolutely nothing around the house.

Keep the door closed and she does her own washing, bed changing etc. If she wants to bring friends round to sit in a pit that's on her. Just open the window to stop smells creeping to the rest of the house.

Exactly the same here, please don't give yourself a hard time about it. What I find is the less I'm on her case about it then she does it. Last night for example at 1am she decided to gut the room, obviously woke me up in the process 😝. There are hills to die on with this age group and I don't think a tidy room is one of them...

You’re probably right @ludicrouslycapaciousbags

You clearly don't have a daughter like this! All you suggest wouldn't matter to my daughter at all.

OP - I completely empathise. Take comfort she's putting her clothes out for washing - mine refuses to let me in her room, so her clothes haven't been washed for months. She changed her bedding for the first time in months last week. It was black and white bedding, it's now brown and black 🤮

XH hated her messiness and continually would berate her. I felt I had to show a united front, so would get cross with her too. Since he left and she's with me full time, I'm leaving her to it. Our home is so much calmer because of it. It's just not worth the argument as it isn't going to change the behaviour. She's been like it all her life.

Fwiw, I have a friend with 3 daughters, one of whom was this messy. She said a particular low point was when she found the dog coming out of her messy daughters room with a used sanitary towel stuck to its leg that it kept licking 😳 She raised them all the same, and nothing she did worked making messy daughter less messy.

Fingers crossed things change for our girls when they move out and have people round for themselves.

I think allowing it teaches them not to value anything, that is why she doesn't give a shit about spilling make up on the floor and hasn't cleaned it up. I also hate the hands off attitude to I'll only wash clothes if they are in the basket meaning it seems as though they have a choice to wear dirty, skanky clothes with possible period blood on them from the used sanitary towels. There is nothing sanitary about that room.

If my children's rooms ever got to this stage they have a choice, sort it themselves but with a deadline or I am doing it either with or without them. I shared a room with my sibling so it was never untidy plus my Mum ruled with an iron fist over that sort of thing. I couldn't let a room fester like that. My son was at uni with the most disgusting people who have mouldy food on their shelf in the fridge like a half full open can of beans because they don't know to decant it into food storage containers, leave spilled food on worktops and the floor, it is completely vile. They struggled to find people willing to share with them the following year.

I gave up , I just used to go in and blitz weekly. We just said no food in the bedroom. He's a grown up now with his own place and does a good job of keeping tidy. There were lots of hills I'dbchoose to die on, arguing about a tidy bedroom wasn't one of them.

She's been like it all her life but that is because she has been allowed to be messy and not tidy up after herself. I imagine at times a parent had to remind her to brush her teeth and checked she had done it, so why let the tidy aspect slide but not teeth brushing, hair brushing, showering, using sanitary products so she doesn't bleed into her knickers. It is about standards. When my children were little I helped them tidy, as they got older I directed where to put things to help them, now they are teens their bedrooms are tidy and clean, wet towels are never left out.

I made sure they tidied daily, weekly it gets too much. 10 minutes of tidying daily saves tidying for an hour on the weekend and I know which one I would rather do.

You make it sound so easy!

My son, what you describe was absolutely how it worked.

My daughter was never allowed to be messy in the early days either. Getting her to tidy was always hard work and always a dragged out chore that took 5 times longer than it should have done. I think there was a clearing of the room aka bin things if it keeps being untidy every 6 months or so when she was a tween. All sorts of punishments too around it too. Still no effect. When she became a teen, her slobbiness took on new heights. So yes, she's been like it all her life.

Teeth brushing + washing... She's never wanted to do either of those. Baths started being hard work around age 5. Tooth brushing, I remember years of occasionally having to hold her to brush her teeth, as she wouldn't do it herself. Currently, I think she brushes her teeth about 3 times a week and showers twice a week.

Hair brushing-she's always hated it being brushed, started cutting it herself as teenager, and even shaved it all off when she was 15. It's currently very short. Saves the brushing.

I have 2 children, both raised the same, one is slobby, one isn't. My friend with 3 daughters, 2 non slobby, 1 slobby.

If you've not got a child like this, then you cannot possibly understand what it is like.

Thanks for the posts and solidarity to those also struggling with this.

Going to leave her to fester for a bit. Let’s see who gives in first!!! Punishment, reason and shouting hasn’t worked so let’s see what happens.

My oldest is 15. I take their phone at weekend before they wake up and lightly tell them they can have it back when room is sorted, bed stripped and bins etc empty.. They do it pretty quick when they want the phone back!! I know your dd is older. I try to make it light and laugh while I'm saying it and it works!!

Room is like a tip again the next day but I just close the door!

Does she have friends round to visit? I was a bit of a messy teen but when company came over I'd have a cleaning frenzy!

I just used to tell teenage DS to keep his door shut at all times or everything would go in bin bags outside if I had to look at it.
He didn't test my boundaries on that one because he knew I'd do it. I didn't care what his room was like as long as I didn't have to see it.
He isn't like that as an adult I'm happy to say.
Seriously though OP - sanitary towel. It would be the bin bags for her if I was you - that's way over stepping the mark.

I don't think it's down to how you parent them - my 3 daughters are all very different in terms of tidyness.

OP, I let them do what they want in their rooms, but they all have to take part in the tidying/cleaning of the rest of the house and the cooking and other chores (dog walking mostly). Which means 2 of my daughters have absolutely vile rooms (and before I moved them to the attic, I just shut the door on them - now I don't have to go anywhere near them). The other one is fastidious.

I have one like this and one who isn’t so I don’t think it is parenting.

some kids don’t care about mess. If they are doing ok in other areas of their life eg school maybe their room is where they get to be a slob/ not care/ relax. Hopefully they will be better in their own place

I don't allow real food, snacks yes. He has to tidy so the cleaner can do his room that is non negotiable, so I get a pile of washing, cans, water bottles and a bin full of sweet wrappers every Wednesday evening.
Switch off the WiFi til she sorts herself out although if she has unlimited data that's a limited threat

My DD (14) is horrendously messy but I always say if she's having friends round (about once a week) she has to tidy her room or they don't come. Always works...till the next day!

Get some black rice and lay some out like it's rat poo.... that might work? Especially if you say 'I'm going to ask Facebook for advice and I need photos of your room' haha

How was your bedroom at 17 OP? I know mine was appalling, my wonderful late Nan, was always clearing it up, often without thanks, as I couldn’t find anything. It’s her room, just shut the door and leave her too it, as I do with my DS’

I would give both kids a shout to put their dirty washing out in the hall if they wanted it done. I did not go into their rooms at all. They were responsible for the mess. But they knew that if they wanted friends round, the room had to be clean and reasonably tidy. My daughter was awful until she couldn't find a spider which had hidden under a pile of mess. My son had to be reminded about mugs regularly but I didn't clean, dust or hoover. It was a battle I wasn't going to engage in

One of mine is the same. Her room is an absolute tip. She’s like a hurricane of stuff abandoned on every flat surface everywhere she goes. This week alone has lost a calculator, hairbrush and one trainer on her travels…Her siblings room is a minimalistic dream, everything in cupboards, and everything in its place. Don’t know what the answer is, but it drives me potty!

We have a no food or drink upstairs rule too. That at least prevents a health hazard developing!

Wise woman, I totally agree, pick your battles with teenagers and this one isn’t worth losing energy over.

Omg! Could have written this myself. I've 2 daughters sharing a room and omg it's a health hazard! It's an absolute daily battle to get them to tidy it. Everything shelf has mess on it. I've argued until I'm sick of my own voice and tired of it.
I'm now going to get them to close the door on it. I don't enter their room as it pisses me off so much.

I leave mine to it. When he is out all day I can really make a dent in a hour. He would be mortified at what I found today but I'd never mention it.

That's the deal. It's not my job or place after 18. But I will do him a occasional favour and tidy. If he finds that intrusive he needs to step up.

Basically it's his problem I won't sweat over. He complains about ants in his room and get the eyebrow raised. It is what is and part of life's lesson I think.

Ignore her room. It's hers

But it's situated in OP's house - the one she pays mortgage/rent/bills/upkeep for and she doesn't want one room to be a festering shit hole and her daughter should respect that.

OP - does she have a weekend job? If so, I'd get her to book a day off (so she loses a day's pay and realises there are consequences to her slovenly ways) and the two of you tackle the room together. Whilst doing so you can make your expectations known not only about the room but other chores you want her to do around the house.

I've never cared about being Cool Mum though - and I do have a fabulous daughter thanks to raising her with boundaries and expectations.