Messy bedrooms

[Rotormotor]

My DD is17. Her bedroom is consistently disgusting. I occasionally used to tidy it. Now I don’t. Drinks cans, overflowing bin, dirty clothes mixed in with ones that need hanging up, occasional used sanitary towel, spilt make up, wet towels..

I have asked, argued, shouted, pleaded. She will not tidy up. Says she’ll get around to it. She doesn’t. She does nothing around the house so keeping her room reasonably tidy, putting dirty clothes in the laundry bin etc is the minimum I expect.

can anyone suggest a strategy? I could just leave it but I feel cross that she does absolutely nothing around the house.

mine has a revolting room too but we have a strict no food and only water upstairs so it's just messy, not gross

Yes Thankyou for replying and to all the other advice. I’m thinking over what might work.

It's a gradual process I think.

Maybe schedule a clear out day with no judgements or shouting. Get some music on and give the room a mighty clear out. Find a place for everything.

Then go shopping the next day to buy some storage/new hangers/ stick on mirrors etc to help keep things tidy.

Have a reflective convo about how a messy room leads to a messy mind and how she deserves to come home to a clean pretty environment.

Then nag nag nag nag nag.

My DS may not always have a tidy room, but he can tidy it to pristine if asked to do so.

At this stage op, I would wait until she's out then blitz it for her. A big once over to get it to a decent, maintainable state.

My DD would never forgive me if I did this. It would ruin our relationship for years. You know your DD best @Rotormotor as to whether this is wise advice or not.

The new duvet set or something lovely for the room wouldn't work as an incentive for my DD either.

A big tidy up of "let's do it together and let's buy nice new hangers and storage and mirrors and things to make it lovely" is a waste of my day and my money, as it's back to the tip within a week.

Believe me when I say I've tried all the ideas on this thread through the years, and more, to try to get a messy child be less messy. Still unsuccessful.

I'd agree with the posters who say it's really not a hill to die on. Or carry on falling out with her over something which isn't going to change. Your call.

My DS’s room gets absolutely filthy. Fast food containers, dirty clothes and worse. I have never seen anything as bad and I’ve known a lot of teens.

He refused to even take his dirty clothes 5 metres to the laundry tub in the bathroom. Or bring a cup down. Or put rubbish in the - empty - bin in his room.

It’s been a constant source of arguments. He does nothing around the house either, although he does work.

It reached the point where I couldn’t stand it anymore so I cleaned it for him. Cleaned all his bedding, organised his clothes, made it nice and comfortable. I felt like a total mug but it needed doing.

A few days later, DH commented, “have you noticed how much calmer and happier DS has been since you sorted out his room?”. It was true. I hadn’t thought about the effect on his mental health of living in a pigsty.

So now I clean it for him once a week. I do, however, make him put his rubbish in a bag and clothes in he tub before I do it. Usually because he wants something me, like money or to borrow the car 🙄.

So I know I’m going against the grain here, but if you have the time and inclination, I would suggest you just do it for her. Life is too short.

I'm amazed at the extent to which many of you allow your children to dictate the mood in your home and the state of your house.

A few days later, DH commented, “have you noticed how much calmer and happier DS has been since you sorted out his room?”. It was true. I hadn’t thought about the effect on his mental health of living in a pigsty

Agree there's a lot of truth in that!

How messy are we talking about?

My 15yo room gets in a state but there are certain rules. Bedding is changed weekly, quick dust and vacuum weekly. Bin changed weekly.

Cups and plates bought down every day (I'd rather he didn't eat upstairs but I let this go), washing put in the basket every day.

We tend to have a big declutter just after Christmas each year, this keeps the level of stuff to a minimum.

I think it's their room and a bit of mess isn't the end of the world, my bedroom gets very messy, but when it's becoming disgusting it affects the whole house.

My DS was exactly the same. The only way our relationship was saved was me NEVER going in the room, insisting door shut all the time. I got him to help with minimal things, go shopping, hang out a wash, unpack laundry etc. Years later we're great friends and he has his own immaculate flat!!

Thanks!

I can’t get past the used sanitary pads in a bedroom! How does that even happen? Why is she not disposing of them in the toilet bin?… That’s seriously the grossest thing I’ve read on here in regards to hygiene.

And I’ve had 3 girls - all twenty plus now!

They all kept their rooms pretty good as teenagers. A few odd clothes on the floor for a day or two, sheets changed weekly, windows opened daily, bins emptied a couple of times a week, dusting less frequently, they were allowed to eat and drink in their rooms but were really good and bringing dishes to the kitchen when finished.

It has only happened twice. Because she is too lazy to take them to the bin.

So set her 3 basic tasks to do every day. Bring coke cans, plates downstairs at end of day, put any rubbish that’s on the floor in the bin and put used clothes in laundry bin.

She half heartedly did 2 out of 3 on first day. Then nothing. Every time I tell her to do it she just says ‘later’ but never does it. So I feel back to square 1.

I can’t even threaten ‘no lifts’ because she’ll just order an Uber. No WiFi is an option but she will probably just use data.

Already done shouting, reasoning, conversation about respect. Nothing changes. Wits end.

Also, buying her a nice duvet set will definitely be a waste of time. Her whole room was recently decorated yet she still trashed it.

I know some of you are judging me here…like how could this happen? Answer is I don’t know! She’s 17 so almost an adult, it’s not like parenting a younger child.

I feel that there will be no improvement actually. And as others say…life is too short. I have to choose whether to spend my days thinking of solutions and in a state of conflict or ignore it.

Would a serious but calm conversation about how it's making you feel work? Appeal to her better nature.

So how I would speak to my son would be like this.

"Look son, I get that you don't feel like doing it, I don't feel like doing housework either, but we need to keep the house and our rooms reasonably clean and tidy. I'm not asking for much but you have got to put your dirty clothes in the basket, put rubbish in the bin and clear away plates. It's basic and it's not open for discussion it HAS to be done. The way you keep your room is making me really stressed and it's got to change. I'll help you get started but it has got to be done TODAY".

That would work with my ds he is 15.

I know some of you are judging me here…like how could this happen?

Let them judge. Their problem and fault, not yours.

DD decided yesterday evening to tidy her room as she felt like it. I offered to help. She refused. She made some inroads and feels pleased with herself over it.

Nothing I say or do will make her want to tidy. It's on her. I choose to let her get on with it, as long as it stays in her room. Her pigsty to live in, not mine.

Home is so much calmer since I made that call to not be on at her about it daily. I feel I have my daughter back as we're not constantly at loggerheads over her lack of tidying her space.

I for one am not judging you as I'm very much in the same boat with my 17 year old DD. I've been crying to my mum this morning as the move into the lovely new room with very little in it has not changed the behaviour. My Mum says she has to learn to do it so I'm in there every day for the foreseeable. Meanwhile I'm going through the room of doom. Perfect day off!

My DD was like this so I just stopped going in there. A few years later she simply started tidying it. No idea what changed. Although when she had friends to stay she'd always clean and tidy it, so she knew it was a shit tip and nothing to be proud of,

I did her washing but only if she put it in the washing basket, anything else got left. She also had a few jobs which would result in her getting her pocket money/ clothes allowance

Re the Uber, let her pay for an Uber, she'll soon start to think better of it when she sees how expensive it is and it comes out of her wages

I had this last year with my daughter. It all got quite bad. I know its her space but i made it very clear in the end that why she lives here there will always be house rules & that will stay no matter her age. Dirty washing down daily, cups & plates down daily, clean washing away almost daily & it kept reasonable. I go in twice a week to hoover & i wipe down her sides and change her bed once a week. Anything that is on the floor or looks messy i put it on the bed & now she does actually put it away. To me this is just abit of self responsibility. It is her space. & im not raising a slob, its just the same as self care to me. You look after what you have. This is not me saying im a pro at it though. It was a difficult job getting her to understand that but thats how it is. It does get messy but im not having a whole pile of hours of washing thrown down to me on my day off work & im not looking for glasses because they are all in her room & her bin spilling over. Ite just gross. The " house rules" seemed to work the best with her. Rather than me demanding my rules this is a house rule.