Messy bedrooms

[Rotormotor]

My DD is17. Her bedroom is consistently disgusting. I occasionally used to tidy it. Now I don’t. Drinks cans, overflowing bin, dirty clothes mixed in with ones that need hanging up, occasional used sanitary towel, spilt make up, wet towels..

I have asked, argued, shouted, pleaded. She will not tidy up. Says she’ll get around to it. She doesn’t. She does nothing around the house so keeping her room reasonably tidy, putting dirty clothes in the laundry bin etc is the minimum I expect.

can anyone suggest a strategy? I could just leave it but I feel cross that she does absolutely nothing around the house.

My DS 16 is Exactly the same, but we don’t allow it anymore because of the concern that he will live like a complete and utter slob when he’s older and independent.

Also I must admit, I like a clean and tidy home (but I’m not a Mrs Bucket).

We’re not harsh - it’s not what you say, it’s the way that you say it/coax them.

He’s very reliant on lifts, so we use that as ‘gentle’ leverage.

’Come on so and so’s coming over - empty your bin and all the mess around it, not in it.’

’Please strip your bed and we’ll freshen it up for you etc.’

’If you could hoover your room that would be great.’

Then praise praise praise 😁😬.

Mine were / are also very untidy. I don't breach their privacy but occasionally say ' would you like a hand sorting your room' for which they are usually grateful. Having said that , apart from mugs and glasses they have never had food in their rooms and they have been happy to change beds regularly and sleep with windows open. Smells , beyond normal teen boy, might have driven me to be more draconian.

Then praise praise praise

Your boy's in for a rude awakening when he enters the grown up world!

Could there be undiagnosed ADHD or depression? Leaving used sanitary pads around sounds like there is something like that?

The sanitary pads are only I occasional. I’ve left her to it today. Told her to do her own washing. Let’s see what happens.

I’d let it lie but she absolutely has to keep the door closed and sort her own laundry out.

however she absolutely needs to start helping around the house if she doesn’t want the wifi password changed

@BeaReal
You'll find that if you have a teenager like this (I am not saying they are all like this), you need to use ANY/ALL the tools you have in your toolbox.

Anything that works will do (there are multiple ways/approaches) to keep them in the right mindset to get them to operate in the real world. Which is the whole point.

It's very easy to create a very negative vicious cycle with kids out sheer frustration and that will not get you or them anywhere.

I used to be a cleaner for a friend. She had 4 kids and her house was a shit tip. I would blitz the house for 4 hours and the next day their rooms, the bathroom, the kitchen would be revolting. They had no respect and frankly no rules. I have 3 kids and she always said when they fly it to teen years they would understand. Nope. My kids clean up their rooms and put their washing away. My middle one has been neglecting putting it away for a few weeks so has been told she is now in charge of her own washing. I clean their rooms every week but they maintain it every day. They aren't perfect but they are passable. They also do chores around the house. I'm not raising people who are going to live in houses that belong on some hoarders programme. They have to learn how to live properly in a house whether theirs or someone else's (also my bedroom as a teen was always tidy!)

What I failed to mention and sorry to drip feed is that my DD is significantly Dyslexic. I know this can impact on organisation.

It's very easy to create a very negative vicious cycle with kids out sheer frustration and that will not get you or them anywhere

There's no need to create such a cycle.

Boundaries and expectations are required for young people. They'll certainly need them in the workplace where employers don't have thetime - or inclination - to use a toolbox!

All the more reason for you to support her in sorting out her room rather than living in squalor. However, you've said you'll "let it lie" when what she really needs is help.

I just close the door and ignore.

Mine are all older too, should know better!

I just don’t know why parents of teenagers choose this to be the battleground. Teens have messy bedrooms, it’s a fact of life. Personally I’d be more worried if they spent all evening making sure the bedroom was a neat and tidy palace. Why use the few remaining years they have under your roof caring more about the state of their room, than the state of your relationship?

Why use the few remaining years they have under your roof caring more about the state of their room, than the state of your relationship?

Who does that?

OP wrote Her bedroom is consistently disgusting. I occasionally used to tidy it. Now I don’t. Drinks cans, overflowing bin, dirty clothes mixed in with ones that need hanging up, occasional used sanitary towel, spilt make up, wet towels

That's not messy.

Spend a day completely gutting the room with your DD, thinning out her clothes, helping organise areas for dirty laundry, clean laundry,

The less she owns the easier it is to be tidy

I don't go in to my daughter's room. It gets messy then she tidies it up, then it gets messy repeat. She also has an en suite she is responsible for.
My daughter also does few chores in the house. My son was better - he walked the dogs, cleaned the kitchen and occasionally vacuumed, took out the rubbish (had to be reminded about that) and ironed his clothes.
I guess it's just me and her now so I end up doing most of it, though I do get annoyed when she puts her plates in the sink when she could just as easily put them in the dishwasher. She did spontaneously clean out the fridge today though!
I'd leave your daughter's room to her to deal with. If she wants to live that way then that's her choice.
But I'd tell her she's old enough to do a few things around the house. You could give her a choice: do (everyone's) laundry or do the dishes four times a week. Vacuum the house or clean a bathroom. And say it needs to be done on X day each week, otherwise she will procrastinate until she's 21!

What doesn’t help this situation is DD’s attitude. She is particularly horrible at the moment. So when the messy room is raised as an issue it escalates into a row. She ‘is tired, can’t be bothered to talk about it’, Says I’m stressing her out, has other things to do/all I ever do is nag her.

We have sat her down to talk about it in a sensible way…eye rolls, can’t be bothered. Tried to reason that it’s about respect -won’t accept reason.

Its a horrible situation actually.

I was very messy as a teen. I used to get overwhelmed and not know where to start. I am very tidy adult so i think its just a stage.

A certain level of general mess is ok but something like a used sanitary towel is a bit much.

Maybe just focus on dirty washing and rubbish. So ask if she can pick up any rubbishand empty the bin and just remind her before bin day each week. Then same with washing.

The current situation is as it is because you haven't set rules in the past

Now you want to set rules

You need to sit down with her and ask her how this can be sorted out. Tell her what you want her to do and when (weekly or whenever). Write it down/type it up. Kind of like a contract. Explain why you want her to do these things.

Then explain what will happen if she doesn't follow the 'contract'. No lifts, no washing done for her, no meals cooked for her, no WiFi. Etc.

Follow up on all your promises. Don't back down.

Also - maybe she's got something in her life that's stressing her. Do you know someone who she'd talk to about things?

At this stage op, I would wait until she's out then blitz it for her. A big once over to get it to a decent, maintainable state.

I'd then insist she does 3 things every single day and hope that a suddenly sparkling room is going to be enough motivation to get on board...

1. Cups / crockery - out of the room.
2. Rubbish - any rubbish in the bin.
3. Clothes - none visible. Either put away or in the laundry.

This is what I make my teens do every evening. I'm often to be heard shouting 'BOYS cups rubbish clothes please!'. It takes them 5 minutes a day.

They're easy jobs, not overwhelming and whilst dust and generral stuff may build up, it's enough to make sure the room stays decent enough in future.

My son is getting better his bathroom is still a state but I just continue to clean that. His games room and bedroom are his responsibility. He was the only one of his mates who knew how to make up and put sheets, duvet cover etc on a bed during a school trip (last year) which, he was proud of as he had to teach his friends how to do it 😭. This has spurred him on a bit to be more tidy generally.

It is difficult and he still will come downstairs 10 times without bringing his dishes down with him but now we just ask every night before the dishwasher goes on so at least no dirty dishes are left hanging around.

Good luck I’m sure your daughter will improve.

My daughters room was at a hoarding level of bad. We think it was to do with the fact her father threw away most of her toys when we split when she was little. I've done so many interventions but nothing has ever worked. I couldn't cope any more and went for the ignore it approach. It spiralled badly. Then she wanted to move into her sisters much smaller room and has dumped all her possessions apart from what she wants/needs. The new room is decorated how she wants it and I'm in everyday now demanding dishes downstairs ect. I'm currently sorting through her old room which is beyond overwhelming. Please send thoughts and prayers! I'm so happy she's able to let go of things at last as it was weighing her down.

OP - I gave you some good advice upthread. You're the parent!

Would a new duvet set be encouragement, or something that would look lovely in her clean, decluttered, tidy room?