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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

17yr old doesn't want to come on holiday

133 replies

Rolo1324 · 05/06/2023 10:08

Hi, my son has just announced he doesn't want to come on holiday with us this July because he'll be bored! I did check with him when I booked that he wanted to come. I'm not able to cancel his flight and look like we'll lose £700. I'm not sure how to manage this if terms of him understanding the cost implications.

OP posts:
WhatWouldHopperDo · 05/06/2023 10:08

Has he got a job?

BreviloquentBastard · 05/06/2023 10:09

Does he have a PT job? I'd be getting him to pay you back for the flight, him having to pay for it will be a very effective lesson in the cost of things!

NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 05/06/2023 10:09

Tell him fine, he can pay you back the money you'll lose in installments and next time let you know earlier. Do it with a smile on your face and a "no problem" voice.

He'll come.

skgnome · 05/06/2023 10:12

Echo others, just tell him he can get a job and pay you in instalments
bet you he’ll find something to entertain himself during the holiday

Original poster
Rolo1324 · 05/06/2023 10:12

Thank you really appreciate your answers yes he does have a PT job and getting him to pay me back is a plan!

OP posts:
redskylight · 05/06/2023 10:26

I don't understand the logic of making him pay for the flight. It makes no difference financially to you whether he comes or not (actually I guess it's cheaper if he doesn't come because you want have to pay out for his expenses while you are away).

If you make him pay for the flight you'll either really annoy him or make him change his mind and come with you and doubtless be miserable on the holiday and potentially ruin it for you.

So I'd let it go this time, but make it very clear that in the future he sticks to commitments he's made.

Why doesn't he want to come btw if he said he'd come originally?

redskylight · 05/06/2023 10:29

The other way making him pay for the flight may backfire, is if he then picks up extra hours to recoup the money he's "lost" to you ... having an adverse effect on his studies. At 17, we told our DC that part time jobs were not to be undertaken at the expense of study .. and if they wanted to give them up because they thought it was too much, then that was fine. Telling him he must pay you back (presumably school holiday flight is not an insignificant amount of money) is forcing him to work whether it's appropriate or not.

ymemanresu · 05/06/2023 10:36

Is he loved up?🤣

BriarHare · 05/06/2023 10:41

I’m another that doesn’t really get making him pay you back.

I can understand it’s annoying, but I’d just suck it up. You’ll be saving money on the holiday by not paying for his meals etc.

cushioncovers · 05/06/2023 10:53

Just let it go. My parents badgered me to go on holiday with them when I was 16. I didn't want to go but felt pressured to do so , I was a stroppy teen and pretty much ruined the whole holiday. If you need to teach him a lesson let him stay home but leave the fridge empty.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 05/06/2023 11:13

The money is gone either way so I don't see the point In making him pay it back.

Did you ask him if he wanted to go before you booked?

Original poster
Rolo1324 · 05/06/2023 11:17

Thanks for your responses and I totally understand people's thoughts that's why I posted to get a perspective!
Yes he's loved up
Recently didn't resit a GCSE but he
Doesn't care doesn't know what he wants to do hasn't been attending colleague for full days
I've been paying for weekly driving lessons and topping up money here and there
I just feel there is a lot of taking and not much give. I don't want to punish him but feel at a loss with him and his contempt of anything that requires responsibility!

OP posts:
MeridaBrave · 05/06/2023 11:18

I’d explain that you asked him before you booked and he said he wanted to come, and his flight costs £700 that you can’t get back.

Not sure I would make him pay all the money but I would certainly ask him for a contribution - so easy for teenagers to say yes they will come and then change mind when no cost implications.

Northernladdette · 05/06/2023 11:19

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 05/06/2023 11:13

The money is gone either way so I don't see the point In making him pay it back.

Did you ask him if he wanted to go before you booked?

If he pays the money back the money hasn’t gone, surely?

fruitbrewhaha · 05/06/2023 11:19

Just go without him.

I remember my parents ditched us for holidays by the time we were 16/17. I think they carried on holidaying in school holidays for a while so we didnt have to be anywhere. Then they started taking amazing long haul trips all over the world. India, Sri Lanka, Borneo, Thailand, Maldives, s America, USA, skiing, Caribbean etc. Make the most of it OP.

TravellingJack · 05/06/2023 11:24

I wouldn't make him pay you back directly out of his income, but I would stop paying for anything nonessential. So no, you can't 'lend' him £20, or pay for any more driving lessons, or an expensive pair of trainers, until you've recouped your wasted money. And keep proper track of it!

Hidinginaonesie · 05/06/2023 11:55

Ooh, I’m torn on this one OP. I think on balance I’d let it go this time. No point in having him along if he’s going to ruin the holiday, that’s even more of a waste. But be very clear that it won’t happen again. Is there any chance you could get an extra ticket for his gf/bf?

Fupoffyagrasshole · 05/06/2023 11:57

id say you are no longer giving him money or driving lessons until to get the 700£ back basically!

ohdamnitjanet · 05/06/2023 12:35

He’s not far off being legally an adult and he’s working, of course he should pay for it if he doesn’t go. Not to be mean, but as a valuable life lesson to do what you promise people you’ll do. Would any of you set fire to £700? Or give your child £700 cash for nothing?

Original poster
Rolo1324 · 05/06/2023 12:39

Hidinginaonesie · 05/06/2023 11:55

Ooh, I’m torn on this one OP. I think on balance I’d let it go this time. No point in having him along if he’s going to ruin the holiday, that’s even more of a waste. But be very clear that it won’t happen again. Is there any chance you could get an extra ticket for his gf/bf?

This is me so torn. I agree to have him come now he's said he doesn't want to could create a miserable trip. But just to let it go (£700) when I did ask him feels wrong. I think some thought about recouping the money by stopping driving lessons maybe 🤔

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 05/06/2023 12:40

Did he want to go in the first place? Did you ask him?

When I was 17 I couldn't have thought of anything worse than going on holiday with my parents!

NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 05/06/2023 12:43

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 05/06/2023 11:13

The money is gone either way so I don't see the point In making him pay it back.

Did you ask him if he wanted to go before you booked?

The OP says she did.

BombasticSideEye · 05/06/2023 12:44

Given that you asked him before booking, he absolutely should be paying back the cost of his flight.

Iamblossom · 05/06/2023 12:45

it's a tricky one. My 17 and 19 year olds will be coming on a big family holiday (one week, a cruise) in October but I am sure the 19 year old would rather not. But it's one week and I did ask, so he is stuck with it. And I actually think he will enjoy most of it.

We have deliberately not booked anything involving our kids other than that, just long weekends me and DH. I will include them both on the week's holiday I want to book for late December but will wait until the very last minute to book anything, to avoid being in the situation you are in OP.

VintageThoughts · 05/06/2023 13:04

Is he an only child? Could you give his ticket to a friend if other sibling(s) are going?

I don't think I'd make him go with you or pay it back. But I definitely wouldn't be giving him any money for the non essentials for a very long time!