Page 2 | 17yr old doesn't want to come on holiday

BeverlyBrook · 05/06/2023 13:10

Take someone else that would be good company?

L0bstersLass · 05/06/2023 13:13

Rolo1324 · 05/06/2023 10:08

Hi, my son has just announced he doesn't want to come on holiday with us this July because he'll be bored! I did check with him when I booked that he wanted to come. I'm not able to cancel his flight and look like we'll lose £700. I'm not sure how to manage this if terms of him understanding the cost implications.

Where's he planning on staying while you're on holiday?
There's no way my parents would have let me stay at home on my own at 17, and quite rightly too.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 05/06/2023 13:47

“You’re welcome to not come. But, seeing as you’re nearly an adult, I’m going to treat your commitment to the plan as a verbal contract. and you will pay me back the £700 we will lose by you not honouring that. Have a think and we’ll talk terms.”

Time to start growing up.

SabrinaThwaite · 05/06/2023 13:56

Have you asked him what he’d like to do if he did come along? Can you incorporate stuff he’d find fun into the trip?

ohtowinthelottery · 05/06/2023 13:59

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 05/06/2023 13:47

“You’re welcome to not come. But, seeing as you’re nearly an adult, I’m going to treat your commitment to the plan as a verbal contract. and you will pay me back the £700 we will lose by you not honouring that. Have a think and we’ll talk terms.”

Time to start growing up.

I absolutely agree with this.

He made a commitment to come. You spent the money. He has 2 choices. Go on holiday or compensate you for the £700 wasted. How on Earth are our young adults ever going to learn and grow up as functioning adults if we allow them to be so flaky.

ICalledYouLastNightFromGlasgow · 05/06/2023 14:05

Did you give him an option on going n holiday or did you assume he'd want to come? I'd not make him pay for the flight but I'd definitely be making him work for driving lessons etc.

OMalleytheAlleyyCat · 05/06/2023 16:02

VintageThoughts · 05/06/2023 13:04

Is he an only child? Could you give his ticket to a friend if other sibling(s) are going?

I don't think I'd make him go with you or pay it back. But I definitely wouldn't be giving him any money for the non essentials for a very long time!

I thought this, someone will want the spot if you're happy to go away with them!

Better that than making them pay for a holiday they didn't go on. That's quite a regressive way to teach a lesson. I would definitely explain that if you had said before you didn't want to go, I could have saved however much money.

As an alternative it might be a good time to pull the free holiday plug, as in "next time we have a family holiday you'll be 18+ so you'll be able to contribute to flights/room".

He'll be an adult so he can choose not to go but he can also pay his way.

Mumarrama · 05/06/2023 22:23

Does he think he's going to get a week alone at home with his girlfriend? Ot party with friends?

I might arrange for Grandma to come and keep an eye on him.... and let him know in advance.

Toxicityofourcity · 06/06/2023 02:17

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 05/06/2023 13:47

“You’re welcome to not come. But, seeing as you’re nearly an adult, I’m going to treat your commitment to the plan as a verbal contract. and you will pay me back the £700 we will lose by you not honouring that. Have a think and we’ll talk terms.”

Time to start growing up.

This ^^

Sure, you'll save money if he doesn't come on meals out etc but you wouldn't have spent the money in the first place if he didn't say he wanted to come. I'd make him pay back the cost of the cancellation.

I wouldn't cancel his driving lessons though OP, keep them up, it's an important life skill for him. He can pay you back from his PT job.

Toxicityofourcity · 06/06/2023 02:19

Mumarrama · 05/06/2023 22:23

Does he think he's going to get a week alone at home with his girlfriend? Ot party with friends?

I might arrange for Grandma to come and keep an eye on him.... and let him know in advance.

And this too... if he's all loved up and thinks he'll have free reign of the house with his GF, I'd cut that thought real quick. Like PP above said, I'm sure Nana would love some company or help that week wouldn't she???

suburbophobe · 06/06/2023 02:44

Well, Nana might not be around or even want to come and look after teenagers...

However, Yes, I would not let a 17-year-old home alone. Before you know it it will be all over SM and you come back to a trashed house. Was in the news many years ago.

never mind coming home to find out he's going to be a father. Yes, worse-case scenario I know

willlow23 · 06/06/2023 03:18

Could you invite a friend / his girl or boyfriend ?

lavenderlou · 06/06/2023 03:26

Did you give him an option on going n holiday or did you assume he'd want to come?

Says in the OP he wanted to go at the time of booking. I would say tell him he agreed to it, you've paid for it and so he should come. Otherwise I would give the option of staying with relatives. I didn't want to go with my parents when I was 17 (agreed before booking though). I thought I would have a lovely two weeks with the house to myself but my Mum insisted my Granny come to stay so it would actually have been more fun on holiday. He'll probably enjoy himself once he's there.

Thack · 06/06/2023 04:25

How much is it to change a flight these days?
Do you have other DC coming? Let them invite a friend, or let me know which airport and I'M THERE!

Original poster

Rolo1324 · 06/06/2023 09:02

Many thanks for all the replies. He did want to come at the time of booking I made sure if that!
I've taken on bored do or don't pay us back, do or don't stop driving lessons.
We'll lose the flight money as no refunds with Ryan air.
Did look into taking gf but even more expensive (for her not me) due to school holidays.
It's for 2week also.
Have decided grandparents to stay here look after the dog and explain the cost implications will have an effect on future treats etc for a while.

OP posts:

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 06/06/2023 09:05

If he pays the money back the money hasn’t gone, surely?

I just don't agree with making a 17yo pay anything towards a family holiday.

rookiemere · 06/06/2023 09:53

So we are away currently without DS17, but in a reversal of your own tale I was just about to book an adult only break to
Madeira in November when I thought I'd better check for the 800th time that he definitely didn't want to do anything in October break- except now he does and the packages have gone up
Significantly in price grr grr. I'm sucking it up and he's bringing a friend.

I guess the moral is don't plan too far in advance with teens. I'd be annoyed in your situation, but forcing him to come isn't the answer and I'm not sure about making him pay you back. Maybe make him pay £750 for any future family holiday, or are you sure GF wouldn't come if she paid for herself?

JenJuni · 06/06/2023 11:05

This is making me chuckle remembering family hillwalking holidays and teenage me putting eyeliner on, delaying the start of the walk because I was styling my hair and moaning about unstylish waterproofs! I grew into an adult who was less fussed about how I looked and loved the great outdoors. I think it can be boring on one level but then surprise them. And it’s good to be stretched a bit in life to do things outside your comfort zone and find your own fun. You also never know who you’ll meet. Would explaining this work? I don’t have teenagers so you’ll all probably say nope! A friend had this problem with his teen daughter recently, if only they made insurance for fickle teenagers.

aSofaNearYou · 06/06/2023 11:08

redskylight · 05/06/2023 10:26

I don't understand the logic of making him pay for the flight. It makes no difference financially to you whether he comes or not (actually I guess it's cheaper if he doesn't come because you want have to pay out for his expenses while you are away).

If you make him pay for the flight you'll either really annoy him or make him change his mind and come with you and doubtless be miserable on the holiday and potentially ruin it for you.

So I'd let it go this time, but make it very clear that in the future he sticks to commitments he's made.

Why doesn't he want to come btw if he said he'd come originally?

Because it's teaching him that it's not ok to say yes to something this expensive, then change your mind.

I would 100% do it, I think you would be mad not to.

2bazookas · 06/06/2023 14:19

Explain he has two options.

One is to stay home alone , work, and earn enough to pay you £700.

The other is to bite his lip and come on the family holiday.

Next year, he won't have options to worry about.

Libra24 · 06/06/2023 14:25

You can't make him go but he made a commitment and being bored is an incredibly privileged take on the time and money you are willing to spend for him to have a holiday.

I would sit him down and say appreciate you think you'll be bored this time and that's fine if you really don't want to come. However, it's paid for now and I can't get the money back. If you don't want to come then you'll have to help me out by recovering the cost of you changing your mind. There is a cost and unfortunately we were happy for you to come but we aren't happy to throw £700 away for nothing.
I see some discussion about recouping the cost in various ways but I think I would, in this instance say I'll not be paying for driving lessons and I'll be expecting you to actually pay me back the other half until it's paid off. If he baulks at handing over his cash, as you suggest yourself just stop with all the cash incidentals you are having over and keep track. Some of us need an additional push to independence.

He's old enough to not come. He's old enough to stay home alone. He's certainly bloody old enough to know that he is costing you a small fortune and the mature thing to do is accept some accountability for the situation.

If you are taking another child - could you consider them taking a friend? And maybe looking at a shared cost?

I would hope he changes his mind and comes. He'll be bored at home too. Let's be honest 🤣

I can't believe people are saying just write it off, you'll save money in the long run. 😵‍💫
This is a prime opportunity to show cause and affect. You all must be made of money. This isn't about nickel and diming the kid, it's about being respectful and honouring your commitments and/or being willing to make the right decision to rectify it if you don't.
Sorry I have changed my mind but I will cover any costs incurred is the mature outcome. Mum would only be helping by ensuring this is a one time thing.

Baba197 · 06/06/2023 14:36

You asked him, he said yes so I think there should be some repercussions. If you don’t want to ask him to cover the flight then stop paying for driving lessons, topping him up here and there etc He’s working part time so should be using that. Cover his basics ie food and household bills but make it clear that you are £700 down and can’t afford to be so you have to cut back. He’s old enough to learn and hopefully it will make him think. I wouldn’t even give him the option to come on the trip now- he’s made his decision and you don’t want him being moody and ruining it!

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 06/06/2023 14:41

I don't really understand why there are "cost implications" to him not going. You have paid for the holiday anyway?

In your shoes, I wouldn't make him pay it back but I would expect him to cover the costs of staying at home for that period - e.g. food, maybe a contribution towards gas & electric that you wouldn't have incurred if you had all been away during that period etc.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 06/06/2023 14:47

Rolo1324 · 05/06/2023 10:12

Thank you really appreciate your answers yes he does have a PT job and getting him to pay me back is a plan!

When did you book it and pay?
if you paid over 5-6 months ago you’re just going to have to suck it up I think. Yep, give him a stern lecture but don’t charge him
kids brains, emotions and social lives, interest etc are changing rapidly at that age. Over 5/6 months ago he may well have been ok , but in time in between he is now going to be bored. You can’t stop that happening

Give him the long lecture. Value of money. Importance of not making down or committing to things that cost and then changing his mind- how pissed off it makes people.
them read the Riot act about not having parties(DO WATCH OUT- nearly every one I know, including us, had kids having parties when home alone despite being “responsible” and swearing they wouldn’t), put fecking cameras up so they know they’re being watched 😱😳. Seriously. Put fencing Camaras up. Maybe if you put the ban on them socialising in your home he’ll change his mind (yep, not improbable he and mates have decided a house party in your home is more fun than a boring family holiday) . On the other hand if it’s not that motivation, then fire away, you can either have a sulky “I am determined to show you I’m bored and fed up and don’t want to be here” teen for 2 weeks to feel you’ve not wasted your money, or a semi bored teenager at home who won’t admit it, at home 🤣🤣🤷🏼‍♀️

CindySin · 06/06/2023 14:49

L0bstersLass · 05/06/2023 13:13

Where's he planning on staying while you're on holiday?
There's no way my parents would have let me stay at home on my own at 17, and quite rightly too.

Show quote history

At 17 I was living on my own…
I stopped going away with my parents when I was 14.