17yr old doesn't want to come on holiday

[Rolo1324]

Hi, my son has just announced he doesn't want to come on holiday with us this July because he'll be bored! I did check with him when I booked that he wanted to come. I'm not able to cancel his flight and look like we'll lose £700. I'm not sure how to manage this if terms of him understanding the cost implications.

It’s not profiting is it, she won’t be any more ‘up’ if by some miracle he pays it back, she’ll break even and be in the same positing she was before he said yes and then backed out. If he had said no in the first place op wouldn’t have spent the £700 in the first place.

Exactly. The point is that he should be the one down £700 because of his decision, not OP.

It’s not profiting is it, she won’t be any more ‘up’ if by some miracle he pays it back, she’ll break even and be in the same positing she was before he said yes and then backed out. If he had said no in the first place op wouldn’t have spent the £700 in the first place.

No, maybe not, but that boat has sailed now... the £700 has already been committed. If the OP makes her ds pay for it now, then she is better off as a result of him not going than going.

He might decide to go along after all and be a miserable git the entire holiday.

Make dure he's not staying at home alone
That he doesnt stop out & cause gps angst.
Its not a 2 week party in your absence

If you had bought theatre tickets for you and a friend and friend decided last minute that they didn't want to go (not couldn't go, just didn't want to).
Would you expect them to pay for their ticket anyway (assuming you weren't treating them to a night out?)
I would.
I would probably ask DS to pay back part of the flight, meet half way, since he had agreed to the holiday at the start.
I don't think people should ignore when they needlessly cost others money.

No, I wouldn't expect them to pay me back if it was my idea and my treat, but equally, I probably wouldn't be bothering with them much in future because that's a shitty way to treat a friend. If the agreement had always been that they were going to cover the cost of their own ticket, then of course, I would still expect them to do that.

If my dd did this, then absolutely she would know that I thought it was shitty behaviour on her part but I wouldn't demand payment for a holiday that I had budgeted for myself. I wouldn't be offering to treat her again in any hurry though. Fortunately for me, we don't have the kind of relationship where she would ever even consider behaving in such a shitty way...

I am not being condescending. I just don't see how you can argue that it isn't a punishment to make him pay. If he had not withdrawn at the last minute, the OP would have paid for him, so she is no worse off at this point whether he stays or goes. If making him pay isn't a punishment, then what is it?

And no, I'm not saying that my parenting techniques are superior. Punish your kids all you like if it works for you. I am merely saying that that approach is not the kind of approach that I would ever adopt because it's not the kind of parent that I personally want to be, and it wouldn't foster the kind of relationship with my dc that I personally want to have. If your way works for you, crack on.

Invite the girlfriend?

I would definitely make him pay but if him staying is saving me money, for example not having to pay kennels I would deduct that from the sum. He can't get away with changing his mind once the money went out

People won't leave a 17 yo alone overnight yet at 18 many move out completely? How bizarre.

I think this could be a case that as he has a new love interest he doesn't want to leave her?
Could easily be that the idea of having the house to himself and his GF for the week, without any parents or siblings around, could be the attraction for staying at home.
I would suggest that you discuss having Grandparents, or another responsible Adult, come to stay at your house during your holiday and see what his response is. It may prove enlightening....might even change his mind about going on the Holiday.
No mention of whether there are any other children going? If so maybe invite a relative of the same age so they can buddy together rather than waste the ticket?
Having him pay you back from his PT job could prove problematic and end up with weekly arguments and negative behaviour over repayments. If you already need to give him 'top ups' then clearly he isn't living within his means.
I would stop paying for any driving lessons, stop giving him handouts to 'Top Up' and if he wants luxuries like 'brand' clothing, trainers etc. he pay for them himself and learn the value of money. Continue the 'savings' until you feel you have recouped the price of the holiday.

I'm all in favour of teaching children fundamental life lessons. I just don't agree that applying a random financial penalty is an effective way of doing this

It happens all the time in life. Parking tickets? Failing to pay your Ulez charge? Stopping in a yellow box. Failing to pay council tax etc. They all have financial penalties - so generally people won't risk getting one, or will learn the hard way when they do and then they will think twice next time they are in that position. Simple. (And these are adult examples, but we're all constantly learning).

Yes, you're quite right. There are lots of financial penalties in society. I'm not convinced that they're very effective in actually people though... you only need to look at the people who get multiple speeding tickets to know that fines don't always work. But the authorities have limited options for dealing with that kind of thing, so I guess we're stuck with an imperfect system.

I don't personally choose to conduct my close family relationships in the same manner as the state conducts its relationships with its citizens though. I wouldn't lock my dd in her room if she did something wrong, and I wouldn't fine her either. Fortunately, the nature of our relationship means that I have different, more effective ways of passing on my values and teaching "life lessons".

But like I say, others can do as they wish.

The parents of the hideous, spoilt man-babies walking the earth, ruining women’s lives, really let themselves be known on these threads…

I think we are both in agreement on this!
I think he should be asked to pay it back, in instalments of £100 a month or whatever to learn not to mess people around. It’s not an exceedingly horrible harsh lesson, but its enough of an inconvenience that maybe he’ll think more carefully next time about committing and not honouring these commitments - part of a parents job is to teach consequences of your decisions.

Yes, part of a parent's job is to teach kids about honouring commitments and dealing with the consequences of their actions etc. But would you not be questioning whether your methods were actually working if your dc was still behaving so selfishly and irresponsibly by the age of 17? Surely, at that age, you'd expect them to have grasped the basics, no?

Well yes, I might be, but i’m not as it’s not my dilemma 😂 I’m not the op 🤣

I’d probably make him pay half towards it rather than the full amount. But also, go and have a lovely time without a bored 17 year old.

my 15 year old was really sulking about me planning days over half term for the family (I was actually off work for a change) so she couldn’t see her friends. I then said, that’s fine you go with your friends and I’ll just take your sisters out… suddenly she didn’t want to miss the fun. Essentially she wanted us to sit home while she went off. She woke up the next morning totally different character asking about my plans with her sisters and decided she would like to join us and had a great time all week. Teens are fickle beasts.

But if he was going he wouldn't be expected to pay.... Him paying his share was never on the cards. So your example is not like for like. So the options are come with us against your will and get a free holiday or else stay at home and give us 700. It's punishment. Is the 700 just the cost of his flight?

@TeenLifeMum - so right about teens being fickle.

At the start of the year when I was booking breaks, DS was definitely not coming as - no offence - but going on holiday with us oldies is a bit boring.

Fine so we've gone away without him for a few long weekends and currently away for a week. He appears to be languishing at home - despite having groceries provided and a generous top up amount- and has decided to come away with us in October.

It's frustrating as I like to get things booked in advance when prices are lower, but despite his humphing and moaning we do like him to come away with us.

Is there someone that could take his place? If so, he could pay the transfer fee.

This^^. How on earth it’s a bad thing to at least get him to contribute half the lost cost as a lesson in commitment and reliability is beyond me. He’s 17, not 7!

That's a fair point.
However, it still wouldn't sit right with me that someone can just decide not to do something when a large amount of money has been spent on them.
I suppose I would consider the punishment (not the whole flight but maybe half, depending on his earning power), so that he would think twice before agreeing to something again.

I would tell him he needs to pay for his driving lessons until the £700 is covered.
And not mention it again.

I would have loved to have gone on a two week holiday at 17, we just never had the money.

I would empathise, “I know you will probably miss partner, but it’s a great opportunity to spend time together as a family. Is there anything you would like to do whilst your there?”

Maybe you could offer to book a long weekend for him and his partner so they can “spend quality time together” after you get back 😆.

if he still doesn’t want to go I would explain your disappointed as he was asked, explain that you will lose money and that you need a contribution towards the holiday. Not all of it, but enough that he understands there are implications to his actions.

I'd ask him to get a job and repay his share or if he has an ",allowance," keep it till its repaid.