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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Getting teens up and ready. Kills me

97 replies

fedupsoccermum · 16/04/2023 10:01

DS is doing GCSEs soon so we've held off him having a job yet (I think this was an error as he's floated through life on our funding) Hes started doing some refereeing but this is often early morning (9.30) meaning he was to be up and away by 9. It's painful getting him up, getting him to eat, dressed and then we have to drive him there and wait while game is on then return home. It takes us nearly two hours and petrol and I wonder if it's worth it. I'm not saying we'd pay him instead or that I don't want him to do it, I just want it to be easier ! My ideas are to pay extra few £ if he gets himself up and ready or take petrol money off unless he gets up and ready without arguments/ grumpiness. I'm not even entertaining a job where he needs a lift now as this reffing has been so painful. DH is crap in a morning too but fine if there's a task that needs doing / something to be up for (though leaves it until last minute unlike me who is more of morning person and would rather be up / awake and potter my way into wakefulness)
Just wanted to vent and see if anyone else has the magic pill of waking up teens??

OP posts:
LongLostNailVarnish · 16/04/2023 10:05

stop getting him up? he'll be in a whole heap of shit if he misses it. lesson learnt 🤷‍♀️

he's hot to learn to be responsible for himself sometime. nows the best time. tell him before hand you won't be waking him so he knows in advance.

Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 10:05

awful and so disrespectful

How is he doing academically and with revision?

Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 10:06

Let him let everyone down OP at football

See whether that has any impact on him

ReinventingMyselfSlowly · 16/04/2023 10:09

Don't pay him more to get up on time! Your part is driving him there and back, the rest is all on him. If he doesn't do it he faces the consequences. Teenage weekend jobs are a great place to learn about responsibility, keeping your word, planning your time etc. as they are low stakes. Then the lessons are learnt for college and beyond where the stakes are higher.

VincentVaguer · 16/04/2023 10:10

God, I'd just let him miss it. I'd be happy to do it as it sounds like a nice job for him but I wouldn't be doing the waking up thing at all.

Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 10:14

My ideas are to pay extra few £ if he gets himself up and ready or take petrol money off unless he gets up and ready without arguments/ grumpiness.

It is actually really quite concerning you actually think paying your 16 year old to not be disrespectful to you is a good way forward

Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 10:14

And probably explains why this situation is as it is

DizzyRascal · 16/04/2023 10:14

I don't know. Would he be that bothered if he missed it and lost the gig? I don't know if my 16 yr old would be, it would be me who was upset. I am struggling to get mine to do anything, ever, so I'll hang around for tips...

horridjobescapee · 16/04/2023 10:14

I wouldn't do it. He would be in the shit at football and he'd only ever do it once.

cingolimama · 16/04/2023 10:15

The magic pill is an alarm clock. Your son is old enough to get up on his own. If he's late, that's on him, and he will suffer the consequences.

I know it's hard, when what you want to do is help him, but really, take a huge step back. Ask yourself what is the least I can do here? And just do that. Not to punish him, but to support him to be an independent young man.

Good luck.

AmyandPhilipfan · 16/04/2023 10:15

I definitely wouldn't pay him to get up. I probably would wake him up once but then I would let him choose whether or not to get up in time. And I wouldn't wait around at the match for him. I'd go off and have breakfast or a coffee somewhere and come back and get him when he called me to say he was ready to go.

VincentVaguer · 16/04/2023 10:17

I'd just talk to him very clearly and lay out the time scale and say you are in no circumstances going to wake him up and make his breakfast
Repeat that twice then say that's the last time you are going to say it.

Tbf OP, my dd knew I had to get up early to drive her somewhere yesterday and she made ME a coffee in bed first thing!

sofabedsofa · 16/04/2023 10:17

Teen boys can be painfully slow in the morning. It’s torture watching on Grin

I think agree the time that you need to leave. I would say that you will be in the car ready at x time and turning the key in the ignition at x time. Then leave him to it. Be calm and non judgemental when you lay out the plan to him. Does he need you to wake him up? Maybe agree that he will set the alarm and that you will stick your head around the door once at x I clock.

Explain that you trust him, but it’s making you stressed. I reckon that he’ll make it on time, and if he doesn’t he will either have to pay for a cab or ring to cancel.

Good luck. It’s great he’s doing the reffing- hopefully it can work out.

Original poster
fedupsoccermum · 16/04/2023 10:19

DizzyRascal · 16/04/2023 10:14

I don't know. Would he be that bothered if he missed it and lost the gig? I don't know if my 16 yr old would be, it would be me who was upset. I am struggling to get mine to do anything, ever, so I'll hang around for tips...

We are a large part of the football community. Anyone involved knows that everyone knows everyone and we would be judged rather than him. An error getting him involved in the first place maybe
Good to see everyone who is a perfect parent with a respectful teen is here to offer advice too. His dad is softer on him then like a tonne of bricks when he doesn't get up. I'm more balanced and would lay down the law more about if he wants to do it here are the conditions- paying him would be more in lieu of any other funding. I know others are paying f their kids for GCSE results for example so bribes are hardly a new idea

OP posts:
Skybluepinky · 16/04/2023 10:22

U shouldn’t have to get him up, just tell him to set 2 alarms and what time u will b in the car.

Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 10:22

Anyone involved knows that everyone knows everyone and we would be judged rather than him.

not a “community” I’d ever want to be part of! 😂

Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 10:23

fedupsoccermum · 16/04/2023 10:19

We are a large part of the football community. Anyone involved knows that everyone knows everyone and we would be judged rather than him. An error getting him involved in the first place maybe
Good to see everyone who is a perfect parent with a respectful teen is here to offer advice too. His dad is softer on him then like a tonne of bricks when he doesn't get up. I'm more balanced and would lay down the law more about if he wants to do it here are the conditions- paying him would be more in lieu of any other funding. I know others are paying f their kids for GCSE results for example so bribes are hardly a new idea

Show quote history

Bribes for doing well and revising in GCSEs are a touch different than bribes for not arguing with you about getting up so you can drive him the football and back

Original poster
fedupsoccermum · 16/04/2023 10:25

sofabedsofa · 16/04/2023 10:17

Teen boys can be painfully slow in the morning. It’s torture watching on Grin

I think agree the time that you need to leave. I would say that you will be in the car ready at x time and turning the key in the ignition at x time. Then leave him to it. Be calm and non judgemental when you lay out the plan to him. Does he need you to wake him up? Maybe agree that he will set the alarm and that you will stick your head around the door once at x I clock.

Explain that you trust him, but it’s making you stressed. I reckon that he’ll make it on time, and if he doesn’t he will either have to pay for a cab or ring to cancel.

Good luck. It’s great he’s doing the reffing- hopefully it can work out.

Thank you. This is just the sort of sensible "talk me down from my feeling like a Teri le parent" advice I hoped to get. When the red mist of frustration and hopelessness descends, I feel like worst parent even and some replies reinforce that (although I'm sure not intentionally)

OP posts:
redskylight · 16/04/2023 10:25

I would tell him that you need to leave at x hour to get there on time, and do precisely nothing else. He's not a baby.

My DS is also crap at getting up in the morning but at 16, he had a job starting at 6.15am he had to walk a mile to get to, and he managed to get there with no parental input.

Unless you live somewhere where there is no hope of employment without driving, or he feels extremely strongly about carrying on with the reffing, I'd also agree I would stop doing it at the end of the season.

Wetnwindy · 16/04/2023 10:27

OP I had one son who was painful as a teen and getting up,organised etc so you have my sympathies!
How about cereal bar in car with a sandwich,bottle drink / tea flask to save time . Also have a chat about how anxious this is for you and from now on you expect to be treated respectfully and appreciated . Ask his father to be involved in the discussion. He should be supporting you and also helping out with the lifts !
Agree the time you will be in your car ready to roll !

Original poster
fedupsoccermum · 16/04/2023 10:27

Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 10:22

Anyone involved knows that everyone knows everyone and we would be judged rather than him.

not a “community” I’d ever want to be part of! 😂

Believe me I'll be glad when it stops
Angry ungrateful parents while DH coached , cold and wet weather and politics between teams. Grass roots football is a hard place to be at times yet terribly rewarding at others when you see them flourish - all volunteering is like that I guess

OP posts:
Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 10:28

This sounds ghastly op

and for you to be “judged” if your 16 year old turns up late or failed to turn up… icing on the cake.

My boy in rugby community and absolutely none of that negativity

SuperSleepyBaby · 16/04/2023 10:29

I was unable to get out of bed until about 12 or 1 or 2 in the day as a teen!

i worried i’d never be able to hold down a job as i wouldn’t be able to wake up on time.

i think its different when you get to a point where you really need to get up and no one is around to help you - all of a sudden you actually hear the alarm clock and manage to get out of bed.

nowadays i wake at 6am everyday!

DizzyRascal · 16/04/2023 10:30

I think it's hard when you know you will be judged as a parent, more than them (and this happens in every community- mother's especially are JUDGED for what their kids do)but we have to let that go I reckon. Bring on the judging.
Mine doesn't want a job of any kind, but I have said no job, no cash from me.
I'm hoping that eventually they will need money for something and be forced to take action...

redskylight · 16/04/2023 10:30

You also need to stop making this personal.

Your DC has a job. He is responsible for getting himself there on time. Your own responsibility is to act as driver.

If he's late getting up that's his responsibility. He's the one that should feel guilty, not you. You are not responsible for his actions. As soon as you reframe it as "his" thing and not "your" thing, you can lose a lot of the stress and guilt.

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