Getting teens up and ready. Kills me

[fedupsoccermum]

DS is doing GCSEs soon so we've held off him having a job yet (I think this was an error as he's floated through life on our funding) Hes started doing some refereeing but this is often early morning (9.30) meaning he was to be up and away by 9. It's painful getting him up, getting him to eat, dressed and then we have to drive him there and wait while game is on then return home. It takes us nearly two hours and petrol and I wonder if it's worth it. I'm not saying we'd pay him instead or that I don't want him to do it, I just want it to be easier ! My ideas are to pay extra few £ if he gets himself up and ready or take petrol money off unless he gets up and ready without arguments/ grumpiness. I'm not even entertaining a job where he needs a lift now as this reffing has been so painful. DH is crap in a morning too but fine if there's a task that needs doing / something to be up for (though leaves it until last minute unlike me who is more of morning person and would rather be up / awake and potter my way into wakefulness)
Just wanted to vent and see if anyone else has the magic pill of waking up teens??

Surely he should be grateful that you are facilitating this for him? Mine would be - they wouldn't bang on about it but they'd make life easier for me by getting up on time.

I echo what everyone else is saying. Mine are grown now but the had to get tough when they got to mid-teens. I stopped getting them up and then driving them as they'd be late. It is AWFUL watching them fail but they must, in order to learn.

If they have us make everything ok for them now, so there are few consequences, what happens when you can't? Ie world of work? The wheels come off BIG time.

Good luck.

Erm…he needs to start learning to be responsible for himself!
tell him to set an alarm or 10 and tell him you will not be waking him, if he doesn’t get up he will ruin his refereeing and let so many people down. Do not reward him with cash for being forced to get up! He needs a kick up the arse and you need to stop doing everything for him.

Just some reassurance that you’re not on your own! My dd is also 16 and referees. She does set an alarm but constantly sleeps through it so still needs our help to wake up. She gets a 30 minute and 10 minute knock then throws some clothes on & walks out of the door. My DH enables some of this behaviour as gets her water and Refereeing stuff together. It’s a source of conflict between him and I but we’ve been through a few rocky years with her and I completely get why he does it. Everybody’s situation is different and sometimes you do what you need to do to get by, it’s easy to judge when you’re not in that situation.

As a few other posters of said, my suggestion would be to sit him down and talk to him, maybe in the car on the way back from a match. Explain how getting older means taking responsibility and exactly what you’d like him to do. Then ask him what he thinks. Try to get him to come up with suggestions rather than you controlling the conversation. They do get easier as they get older and at some point do start taking responsibility. I personally wouldn’t pay him to get up on time as to me that’s a basic, but I do understand where you’re coming from. Good luck

Why do people post saying " my kids would be grateful"? Isn't that a bit like posting on a breastfeeding board "well my baby latches on just fine" 😂Not really that helpful?

Parent here of a 17 year old who has given up a part time job, as he thinks zero hours are 'shite'. I've eventually had to accept he is not going to do things the way I think he should so I'm letting him make his own mistakes. He's got very little money (I give him his share of child benefit for lunch at college) but at least is still going to college and has a bit of a plan career wise.

So no judgement when I ask this, does he really want to do it? Or is it that you don't want to lose face in the football community? Does he like it once there or does the thought of going hang over him all week? I'd get him to set an alarm and if he doesn't get up then tough. You can enjoy your mornings doing something for you instead. He'll either learn a lesson and go the following week or won't go back.

I’m certainly not a perfect parent and have a nearly 16yrs old who frustrates the hell out of me and can be quite disrespectful at times (mh problems and awaiting asd assessment) I’m done with the morning arguments and dramas while trying to get myself, a baby and an autistic child ready for school run/work so I just wake them up tell them they need to get ready or they can explain to school why they are late as I will not be making excuses for them (although at times I would probably feel bad and may tell a white lie)

To give you another point of view... I lived with a boyfriend in my early 20s. A few months in, we were having dinner at his parents' house and his mum asked me how I was getting on with waking him up and making his lunch for work everyday.

I was doing nothing of the sort, turned out he was perfectly capable and just happy to let his mum wait on him hand and foot.

I can’t be around when my 13yo ds is getting ready for school. He is so slow. He will disappear to the loo for hours, or be sat slowly eating breakfast, half dressed three minutes before he needs to leave the house. To be fair, he does always make it to school on time. There’s a frenzied rush right at the end He’s only been late to school twice in three years so I guess his system works, it’s just not great for my stress levels as a spectator!

It’s hard that it’s part of a community you’re associated with. I think as parents we often have responsibility dysphoria and think everything is our responsibility. I would def find this stressful because his commitment would feel like my commitment.

Does he usually get himself to school on time? If so, then it might be worth recognising that your sense of responsibility might be impacting how you view his slow starts.

Just take the emotion out. This is what I would do.
New routine.
Bags and clothes prepped the night before.
He sets 2 alarms on his phone but you will check once that he's awake (go in his room and open the curtains) if breakfast slows him down have something ready to pick up and leave with and eat in the car - box of juice, banana, breakfast bar.
Cut out all the cajoling. Just give one time reminder. Leaving in 10 minutes and in ten minutes go and get in the car.

I had a similar situation and then I was sitting in the car waiting for my child to come out of the house so I could take her to work when it hit me - I’m not the person that is going to be late, why am I getting stressed about it? After that if they asked to be woken I would do it and then take a cuppa in after about 10 minutes and then that was it.
Another realisation was that I didn’t want the interactions between me and my children to always be moaning and negative. Listen to the conversations you’re having and would you want to be on the receiving end of them?
He needs to know that you’re not going to keep chasing him up and take responsibility himself.

Cricket is much better and I've heard the same about rugby being better all the way through the years. Except maybe the drinking games for rugby when I was at uni. They were eye watering ! 🤣

Snap.

ds had no jobs while at school, we let him focus on exams and free time was spent relaxing/socialising. The last year of school he wanted more money for holidays and going out and found a job himself (Dominos) starting just as exams finished and worked through the long holidays before starting uni. He did that for a year and is now on his second job that he found himself (hotel events waiting staff) as Dominos wanted too many hours and that was not compatible with uni.

Sounds like you pulled some strings in your coaching "community" to get him a refereeing job that he isn't bothered about.

What is his motivation for doing it? Does he get paid for it or is it volunteering? Is he working towards the refereeing qualifications and going for a sports related subject at college/uni? If he is not fussed about it let it go. If he wants to do it tell him you will give him a lift but you expect him to get himself up and ready in time - if he isn't ready let him face the consequences. Realistically, of course you will be judged by the "community" as he probably only got the job because of you and it will mean the game can't go ahead, but the alternative is to keep infantilising him which is doing him no favours.

Op you haven’t said what he’s like about school and revision ?

Gosh, if he is doing GCSEs soon, he's what, 15 or 16?

He's old enough to get himself up for work. If he doesn't, then he won't get there on time and he will probably lose his job. And then he won't have any money. Lesson learnt, no?

He's too old to be babied at this age, and you won't do him any favours by taking all of the responsibility on yourself. The idea of paying him to get out of bed on time is one of the craziest things I have ever read on mumsnet. Are you going to carry on doing that when he is an adult?!

And if you're worried that you've managed to get him this job through your connections, and that it would be embarrassing for you if he didn't turn up, then get him to resign from that role and look for another job of his own. Then leave him to it.

The whole point of doing PT work as a teenager is surely to learn about having some responsibility. What's the point if you take on that responsibility for them? You might as well just carry on giving them pocket money and leaving them in bed.

Absolutely. Only on mumsnet do people have perfect teens.

I do think you’re babying him a bit. Get him to put his kit out the night before. Set a loud alarm clock and give him a couple of timed shouts. Including “we are leaving NOW”. If he has to dress in the car and eat a cereal bar on the go that’s on him.

I would not even consider financial bribes for getting up. I’m terrible in the morning myself, it’s not deliberate, I know for a fact the logical bit of my brain that could weigh up a financial reward just doesn’t work first thing. let him be rushed, hungry etc and eventually he will manage to drag himself out of bed in time to shower and dress properly and have breakfast, although if he doesn’t that’s not your issue, I spent most of university running to my 9am lecture straight from bed.

It isn't really about having perfect teens, though, is it? It is about letting teens learn by taking responsibility for their own stuff.

Whether he is grateful or not isn't the issue. If he really wants the job - either for the experience or for the money etc - then he can get himself out of bed for it. He is nearly an adult!!!

I don’t get involved in getting mine up
If they are late they have to take the consequences

Otherwise how will they ever learn

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves

Oh I totally agree. I wouldn't wake mine up either. She would have to deal with the consequences.

My point was in response to people saying well my teen wouldn't do that.
It's not really helpful.

let him fail and stop bankrolling him. His job, his responsibility. Don't pay him!! What kind of lesson does that teach him?

And I feel the same about paying per GSCE, the reward is the qualification and the stepping stone to what you want to do next. The kids I went to school with who got paid per A or whatever are absolute wasters now.

I'd drop him there and tell him to get the bus back.

My DS16 is awful about getting up. Constantly late for school so stays late everyday for detention. But I'm not bailing him out. It's better he learns now that actions have consequences... than be an adult who still thinks they can do no wrong.

DS does rugby and l tell him the time we need to leave (plus 10mins for the inevitable "can't find mouthguard panic")... and if he's late...that's his issue. If it's training or he wants to hang out after a match, l tell him to get his own way home.

Stop the refereeing. It causing you the stress and it doesn't sound like your son is bothered by it anyway.

Is the 2 hours just driving or does that include referring time too?