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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Getting teens up and ready. Kills me

97 replies

fedupsoccermum · 16/04/2023 10:01

DS is doing GCSEs soon so we've held off him having a job yet (I think this was an error as he's floated through life on our funding) Hes started doing some refereeing but this is often early morning (9.30) meaning he was to be up and away by 9. It's painful getting him up, getting him to eat, dressed and then we have to drive him there and wait while game is on then return home. It takes us nearly two hours and petrol and I wonder if it's worth it. I'm not saying we'd pay him instead or that I don't want him to do it, I just want it to be easier ! My ideas are to pay extra few £ if he gets himself up and ready or take petrol money off unless he gets up and ready without arguments/ grumpiness. I'm not even entertaining a job where he needs a lift now as this reffing has been so painful. DH is crap in a morning too but fine if there's a task that needs doing / something to be up for (though leaves it until last minute unlike me who is more of morning person and would rather be up / awake and potter my way into wakefulness)
Just wanted to vent and see if anyone else has the magic pill of waking up teens??

OP posts:
Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 12:13

If your DH is going because he volunteers.. why do you have to go?

waysways · 16/04/2023 12:18

You don't get a teen "up and dressed" and you definitely don't make sure they eat. He must be 15 almost 16? I'd stop all that now otherwise you'll be doing the same during college and any jobs after that. Let him see the consequences of not getting up on time or eating breakfast, hopefully it'll teach him for adult life. I never see posts like this about teen girls, this is why so many men in todays generation are the way they are imo, just mollycoddled. Also I'd expect him to get a bus to work, very daft waiting outside to pick him up

VincentVaguer · 16/04/2023 12:41

Does your ds really want to be doing this?

Firsttimecaller · 16/04/2023 12:51

fedupsoccermum · 16/04/2023 10:01

DS is doing GCSEs soon so we've held off him having a job yet (I think this was an error as he's floated through life on our funding) Hes started doing some refereeing but this is often early morning (9.30) meaning he was to be up and away by 9. It's painful getting him up, getting him to eat, dressed and then we have to drive him there and wait while game is on then return home. It takes us nearly two hours and petrol and I wonder if it's worth it. I'm not saying we'd pay him instead or that I don't want him to do it, I just want it to be easier ! My ideas are to pay extra few £ if he gets himself up and ready or take petrol money off unless he gets up and ready without arguments/ grumpiness. I'm not even entertaining a job where he needs a lift now as this reffing has been so painful. DH is crap in a morning too but fine if there's a task that needs doing / something to be up for (though leaves it until last minute unlike me who is more of morning person and would rather be up / awake and potter my way into wakefulness)
Just wanted to vent and see if anyone else has the magic pill of waking up teens??

Ask him to ride with the local team? Then you're not stuck for two hours and a lift.

Original poster
fedupsoccermum · 16/04/2023 13:07

I believe he's o when he gets there but doesn't love it. I doubt he'll love any job tbh as he's lazy. Some of that is being mollycoddled (DH more than me by far )

I will be laying down the law that if he wants to do the reffing (I know he wants the cash) then here are the rules (as per advice above). If not then he's without money. End of.
For school DH started giving lifts when we started WFH. Previously he cycled and got himself there fine. He's been spoiled. I make him walk.

Job wise he'll have to get himself sorted. He's very low on motivation in all areas as I worry about him but the balance of doing for him and supporting/ encouraging him is a tricky one.

Girls are sometimes the same. My friend has a (working) 19 year old she takes to work and tears her hair out with her every morning. So I'm not alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
fedupsoccermum · 16/04/2023 13:08

Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 12:13

Is the 2 hours just driving or does that include referring time too?

Half hour drive each way plus 1 hour match time

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 16/04/2023 13:17

I don't have a solution but whatever you do, take him to matches. It's such a good way of making decent money and he can do it wherever he is. A reliable ref can always make money!

Original poster
fedupsoccermum · 16/04/2023 13:23

I'll be starting another thread about DH's mum's birthday and why that's my responsibility at this rate. I think in the words of Mumsnet I have "a DH problem"

OP posts:
brooksidebackside · 16/04/2023 13:28

VincentVaguer · 16/04/2023 12:41

Does your ds really want to be doing this?

This.

If he wanted to be there he would be up and ready. His is making a choice and your 'we will be judged' excuse is really strange.

notsayingmuch · 16/04/2023 13:41

CurlewKate · 16/04/2023 13:17

I don't have a solution but whatever you do, take him to matches. It's such a good way of making decent money and he can do it wherever he is. A reliable ref can always make money!

But he is not a reliable ref if he needs Mummy to wake him up, feed him breakfast and make sure he has his underpants on! He is a large toddler with a whistle.

CurlewKate · 16/04/2023 13:45

@notsayingmuch Yes. But if chivvying him a bit at 15 gives him the means to make an easy £60 or more on a Saturday afternoon when he's at University it's worth it in my book. Some 15 year olds are still quite young.

Fififizz · 16/04/2023 13:46

Gosh, I feel for you. Maybe you suck up the reffing then post his GCSE you talk to him and pull back on whatever his next venture might be and let him learn from any mistakes. I kind of have this with my son who’s approaching 14. If I didn’t get up and chivvy him along and support him hugely he wouldn’t get to school. It’s a worry as he’s showing no signs of improvement and not likely to whilst I do so much but equally if he misses school the parents get blamed! 🙈

Oblomov23 · 16/04/2023 13:47

FGS OP grow a pair of bollocks please. Tell him he's not to agree to any more refereeing, atm, then he nor you won't be letting anyone down. Only once he's addressed some of these issues will you discuss allowing him to start the refereeing again.

CurlewKate · 16/04/2023 14:00

If you follow @Oblomov23's advice, check how long his qualifications last first. I can't remember.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/04/2023 14:01

Why are you babysitting him so much with this? He can set an alarm and see himself off to the refereeing. So what if he runs late or missing breakfast? He won't do it again.

OriGanOver · 16/04/2023 14:03

Lazy 15/16yr old boys are so irritating. I feel you OP.

I would step out of the situation and not make it my problem. If he wants this job then he'll be ready. If he doesn't, then he resigns as it's not fair on you.

Please don't pay him to be on time. I think that will make it worse.

LoveQuinnOhDearyMe · 16/04/2023 14:07

Don’t pay him extra to get up on time! You’re just asking for trouble.

I had a job from the start of y11 and I had to get myself there. If I was late I would be in trouble and once was and I learnt if I wanted to keep my job I needed to be on time.

And the main point of keeping the job was money. Pocket money was stopped. I turned 16, and was told no more allowance. That was that. I wanted cash for my own things I had to earn it.

He’ll get the message if the money stops.

CurlewKate · 16/04/2023 14:10

Sometimes 15 year olds need more support than we think they do. If it was just a job in a shop or a cafe then I might agree with letting him give it up. But this is a proper job with a qualification that he worked for and someone paid for. And one which he will be able to use to make easy money in a relatively short time when he's doing A levels and wherever he ends up going. I think helping him not lose that chance is worth a bit of chivvying.

Original poster
fedupsoccermum · 16/04/2023 14:13

Oblomov23 · 16/04/2023 13:47

FGS OP grow a pair of bollocks please. Tell him he's not to agree to any more refereeing, atm, then he nor you won't be letting anyone down. Only once he's addressed some of these issues will you discuss allowing him to start the refereeing again.

I've had a conversation with him about this exact thing - his reply was that "dad booked it". My reply was "well do you want the money ? Then listen, agree if dad books you in or give your number out directly and get on with it. Otherwise don't do it and have no money. "

OP posts:
Original poster
fedupsoccermum · 16/04/2023 14:23

Regarding it being us helping him, this is how it works usually. Coaches know coaches and often their sons will rise through the age groups and become the new refs as the older ones go to uni. It's a good pay rate for something many of them enjoy. It's not for everyone, as some parents are awful and abuse refs (even though they're kids and I dare say wouldn't want their child spoken to like that ). This is why parents tend to go along too (well my friends whose sons ref do tend to). I know of one coach who physically attacked a teenage ref so ....
This country's weather and poor investment into pitches and facilities means that often you don't know of a game is on until last minute and often he'll be asked to step in if regular ref not available. He refs for a girls' team too but they play less often. Their slot is a regular slot but times of games vary so if afternoon, no much of a big deal. If he refs the little ones, I may walk the dog while he does it as 6 year olds don't tend to argue back or be as difficult to manage as 14 year olds do. The messages go about between parents who coach "is anyone's lad free tomorrow 9am?" for example and we volunteer him if we know he's free as he usually will do it if he's not playing himself.
There's your look into the world of reffing. Ideally when season starts he'll work at a ground that has multiple games on and is on every week at the same time, plus is walkable !

OP posts:
Original poster
fedupsoccermum · 16/04/2023 14:24

CurlewKate · 16/04/2023 14:10

Sometimes 15 year olds need more support than we think they do. If it was just a job in a shop or a cafe then I might agree with letting him give it up. But this is a proper job with a qualification that he worked for and someone paid for. And one which he will be able to use to make easy money in a relatively short time when he's doing A levels and wherever he ends up going. I think helping him not lose that chance is worth a bit of chivvying.

Yes agreed. This is a lot of it tbh. I feel he should keep up and keep his face seen to be given chances when regular jobs come about.

OP posts:
brooksidebackside · 16/04/2023 14:26

The messages go about between parents who coach "is anyone's lad free tomorrow 9am?" for example and we volunteer him if we know he's free as he usually will do it if he's not playing himself.

Stop volunteering him.

brooksidebackside · 16/04/2023 14:27

Posted too soon

He doesn't want this. You do.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 16/04/2023 14:29

CurlewKate · 16/04/2023 13:45

@notsayingmuch Yes. But if chivvying him a bit at 15 gives him the means to make an easy £60 or more on a Saturday afternoon when he's at University it's worth it in my book. Some 15 year olds are still quite young.

I don't agree. Teaching him to take responsibility for himself is much better preparation for university imo.

Once he has grasped that lesson, then he can start earning and saving up for uni.

Madamecastafiore · 16/04/2023 14:32

You're facilitating his dreadful and frankly irresponsible behaviour and in the long run you'll do yourself no favours. At what age are you going to let him take sone sort of responsibility for getting himself up and ready for his day?