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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Getting teens up and ready. Kills me

97 replies

fedupsoccermum · 16/04/2023 10:01

DS is doing GCSEs soon so we've held off him having a job yet (I think this was an error as he's floated through life on our funding) Hes started doing some refereeing but this is often early morning (9.30) meaning he was to be up and away by 9. It's painful getting him up, getting him to eat, dressed and then we have to drive him there and wait while game is on then return home. It takes us nearly two hours and petrol and I wonder if it's worth it. I'm not saying we'd pay him instead or that I don't want him to do it, I just want it to be easier ! My ideas are to pay extra few £ if he gets himself up and ready or take petrol money off unless he gets up and ready without arguments/ grumpiness. I'm not even entertaining a job where he needs a lift now as this reffing has been so painful. DH is crap in a morning too but fine if there's a task that needs doing / something to be up for (though leaves it until last minute unlike me who is more of morning person and would rather be up / awake and potter my way into wakefulness)
Just wanted to vent and see if anyone else has the magic pill of waking up teens??

OP posts:

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 16/04/2023 14:32

Oh, and some 15yos are very "young" because they have never been taught to take responsibility for themselves. If you baby them, then of course they will act like babies. You are doing them no favours in the long term though.

CurlewKate · 16/04/2023 14:47

Too much "spare the rod and spoil the child" on here for my taste.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 16/04/2023 14:56

CurlewKate · 16/04/2023 14:47

Too much "spare the rod and spoil the child" on here for my taste.

You're entitled to your view.

But when I worked at a university, it was abundantly clear to me that the kids who really struggled with university life were the ones who had not been taught gradually from a young age to take responsibility for their own stuff - usually, but not exclusively, boys. I suspect that many of them go on to be the kind of men that women on MN are so often moaning about - constantly expecting their wives to manage stuff for them because that's what their mother did previously.

I never wanted my dd to be in that boat, and I'm confident that she'll go off to uni later this year capable of managing everything independently. Encouraging age-appropriate independence is actually a very good way of building self esteem and self efficacy in children too. They learn to see themselves as more capable because their parents demonstrate a belief that they are capable.

Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 15:52

fedupsoccermum · 16/04/2023 13:08

Half hour drive each way plus 1 hour match time

Show quote history

Is it really necessary for you to go?

let DH take on the burden

and My friend has a (working) 19 year old she takes to work and tears her hair out with her every morning. So I'm not alone. this is pretty appalling

Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 15:54

fedupsoccermum · 16/04/2023 13:23

I'll be starting another thread about DH's mum's birthday and why that's my responsibility at this rate. I think in the words of Mumsnet I have "a DH problem"

Well yes perhaps

but most definitely a 16 year old son problem who argues and gets grumpy with you when you are doing him a big favour

Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 15:54

fedupsoccermum · 16/04/2023 13:23

I'll be starting another thread about DH's mum's birthday and why that's my responsibility at this rate. I think in the words of Mumsnet I have "a DH problem"

Don’t be a martyr OP

Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 15:56

we volunteer him if we know he's free

seriously OP

somewhereovertherain · 16/04/2023 15:58

Stop pandering to him and let him fail if he can’t get up. He’ll soon learn.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 16/04/2023 15:58

@fedupsoccermum, it sounds like you do indeed have a DH problem, but if you don't take a step back from your ds and allow him to take more responsibility, you will probably end up creating another DH problem for your future DIL. (Or SIL if he turns out to be gay!)

BurntOutGirl · 16/04/2023 16:12

So ... actually....the fact that you volunteer him actually does make it your problem!! Why are you volunteering him for something without discussing it with him first?

Also, I'd start the arrangement with DH, that who ever arranges DS to referee, is also the one who has to sort him out on the day.

OP - you really need to stop pandering to the males in your house.

missingthewinchesterboys · 16/04/2023 16:59

My dd does band on a Saturday morning, if she want's a lift she has to bring US tea in bed.

She doesn't have a job because I want her to concentrate on her school work but she does band and volunteers as a young leader one evening a week.

I will wake them if we're doing a family event and they ask but most of the time they need to get themselves up and ready.
If they need us for transport then a cup of tea and some basic respect is required.

CurlewKate · 16/04/2023 17:16

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves I don't think I've said anything that contradicts anything you've said, have I? I don't think helping a 15 year old sort himself out in his first job will stop him being capable and independent 3 years later when he starts University.

VincentVaguer · 16/04/2023 19:15

fedupsoccermum · 16/04/2023 13:07

I believe he's o when he gets there but doesn't love it. I doubt he'll love any job tbh as he's lazy. Some of that is being mollycoddled (DH more than me by far )

I will be laying down the law that if he wants to do the reffing (I know he wants the cash) then here are the rules (as per advice above). If not then he's without money. End of.
For school DH started giving lifts when we started WFH. Previously he cycled and got himself there fine. He's been spoiled. I make him walk.

Job wise he'll have to get himself sorted. He's very low on motivation in all areas as I worry about him but the balance of doing for him and supporting/ encouraging him is a tricky one.

Girls are sometimes the same. My friend has a (working) 19 year old she takes to work and tears her hair out with her every morning. So I'm not alone.

OK OP. I think you are carried away with your standing in your local football community. Reffing is hard as you know and it's not something you do if you are half hearted about it. Perhaps he really doesn't want to do it and would be happier getting a kitchen or bar job when he's a bit older.

As I've said before my dd brings me a coffee on the days she wants a lift to work.

Oblomov23 · 16/04/2023 19:43

I give up. Why are you volunteering him? I know 6 boys who are referees, Ds1's friends, cousin. None of the parents do this. The child organises it. You are ott.

Original poster

fedupsoccermum · 16/04/2023 21:20

Oblomov23 · 16/04/2023 19:43

I give up. Why are you volunteering him? I know 6 boys who are referees, Ds1's friends, cousin. None of the parents do this. The child organises it. You are ott.

He is put forward as an option because he doesn't have a regular gig. Nothing more nothing less. Could I insist there's a WhatsApp group of refs who they send an note to? Probably but then it's adults messaging kids which is why it probably happens the way it does for now. Those refs who do it for the same team have direct comms with the coach for that team. It's really not the cause of this behaviour. I think some pandering and soft treatment is the reason which I'll address. That said my younger DS brought up the same way in same house is totally different and desperate to be independent. Anyway. There we are. Good old Mumsnet debate and lots of food for thought which I take gladly. So thank you all

OP posts:

Snoopyandthemuppets · 16/04/2023 21:26

Warn them.
I did - so I said on Saturday and Sunday - if you are not up and dressed with teeth brushed and having had breakfast by 8.30am - I will not take you to the sports activity.

On Sunday evening I said - you need to be up and dressed by 7.30 am with teeth and hair brushed or I won’t give you a lift to school (45 minute walk) - at 7.30 am neither were moving so I snuck out and drove off to work.

I did not get a phone call, so I assume they woke , panicked, dressed and legged it. By Tuesday at 7.30am they were dressed and sorted and in the car. Never done it since.

Do not pay them.

They need to want to do it and show their appreciation for you

LongLostNailVarnish · 17/04/2023 19:23

Good to see everyone who is a perfect parent with a respectful teen is here to offer advice too

sorry only just catching up. but really?
Fuck Off no ones a perfect parent! teens can all go through awful stages of being ungrateful, selfish, obnoxious little shits. I've been brought to tears plenty questioning my parenting skills.

You ask advice. You got it. No need to throw your toys out the pram.

Original poster

fedupsoccermum · 17/04/2023 21:28

LongLostNailVarnish · 17/04/2023 19:23

Good to see everyone who is a perfect parent with a respectful teen is here to offer advice too

You ask advice. You got it. No need to throw your toys out the pram.

If you read later posts you'll see I've taken a lot on board. It felt like the first few replies were all sticking the knife in whole o already felt crap. I have been more aware of what we've done wrong and got some good advice on tackling it bit. If you've been brought to tears by yours you might have realised that yesterday was one of those "WTF have I created and why am I so bad at this ?" moments.

OP posts:

redskylight · 18/04/2023 07:47

fedupsoccermum · 17/04/2023 21:28

Show quote history

I hope my post wasn't one you thought was sticking the knife in.
If it helps, DS used to get out of bed at 9.15 to get to school for 9.30 and school is 15 minutes walk away at my walking pace. Ideal child he is not. Could I have become very stressed about this if I'd thought about it too hard? Absolutely yes. have no idea why he didn't get more late marks than he did

But he did mange to get up in time for his paid job because he wanted the money. If I'd agreed to give him lifts and make him breakfast he would have absolutely have seized them with open arms but he wouldn't actually have learnt anything from it. If he'd been late for his job, he would have been sacked. He would therefore have had less money and therefore no post exam holiday as he was saving for that. it might actually have been better for me as I wouldn't have had to listen to him moaning about getting up

Cleoforever · 18/04/2023 08:00

Essentially op

you need to stop worrying about what an unpleasant and judgemental football “community” you belong to thinks about you

you must take a big leap back in terms of getting your son up and ready

you absolutely op Italy just stop volunteering him to ref!!!

and I can’t fathom why you need to also attend given your husband is going anyway. Just off load to him

Cleoforever · 18/04/2023 08:01

Oh and come down heavy on rudeness and disrespect. He’s 16. Still completely dependent on you for so much so if he can’t talk with respect, then you withdraw something you do for him until he apologises

VincentVaguer · 18/04/2023 10:51

I am almost willing to bet cold hard cash on him just not wanting to do it tbh.

Stop making his part time job into a family day trip out and let him get a job that he actually wants to do.

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