How do you cope with rudeness/swearing/violence?

[Sinequa]

My eldest is 12 and is in Yr 7. Puberty has well and truly kicked in so I consider her a teenager. We are having serious problems with her behaviour which are adversely affecting family life (and I am worried about what the younger one sees and hears). We are on the waiting list for private counselling. We have called the police in the past. She is rude. She swears. She hits us. She damages property. She wishes us all dead. No one outside the house would have a clue. For the most part, she saves this behaviour for home.

How do we all cope whilst waiting for treatment? The behaviour is sporadic rather than constant but the triggers are not easy to foresee so we never know when an outburst might happen. Often I think that she just needs a huge hug but she pushes us away again and again.

Also, when the outburst is over, I am struggling to return to ‘normal’ with her and be loving/affectionate. If another adult treated me the way she does, I’d never have anything to do with them. Has anyone got any wise words for me? We are getting desperate. The latest outburst started at the weekend and we have barely seen her this week. She goes to her room and stays there. I have no idea how she is. We feel we are failing her but I genuinely don’t know what to do. That was longer than I expected.

Thanks for any advice or strategies.

Sorry to hear OP.
Do you have any insight into how she is coping at school?
Can you find out from tutor if she seems happy, has friends etc.
Y7 is very tricky to navigate especially for girls from my experience

They call her as asset to the school. Top sets. PE teams. Badge winner. Very local. Lots of friends. None of it makes sense.

Struggling with the transition to High School?
Any possibility of undiagnosed SEN or anxiety?
Sounds like she really overwhelmed by school and having a huge meltdown at home.

Thanks for your replies. I am grateful. I think her primary would have spotted any medical or educational issues as they are good in that way. High school is literally opposite the primary and we live in a close knit community so she knows children in all years. She’s certainly not expressed any problems with the transition (save the expected ones which we have talked through). Sometimes these outbursts begin over a weekend or holiday so I am unsure if there’s a school connection.

I wouldn't reply on the primary school to have picked anything up. They may well just have seen a polite well performing child and thought all was well.
My DD went to CAHMS for anxiety without her Primary school noticing she had any issues - because she didn't have any at school.
All behaviour is a form of communication. Your DD may be struggling to articulate her feelings. The pressure of being a high performer at high school is quite different from being the bright kid at primary.

I suggest this as my DD was fine (mostly) during term time and her anxiety spiralled when she had no school structure to occupy her mind as well. Holidays were particularly tricky.

Really tough for you. No real help to offer other than hope you get the professional input soon.

Disturbed and disturbing behaviour perhaps prompted by something she cannot bring herself to talk to you about - bullying, inappropriate videos, sexual advances, molestation... Talk to the school (start with tutor) to see if they know anything.

Is she close to any other family member - eg grandparent/aunts/uncle/older cousin - she might be able to open up to?

Very, very hard for you to keep on loving her. But I'm sure you will. I hope someone comes on here with better advice than I can give. (My naughty, grumpy, monotone-clad teen is now a very grounded, capable mother. My mother helped her.) Stay strong.

What does she do after school or weekends/holidays?
Could she be overtired?
Is she eating well?
I have a 12 year old who often gets "hangry" and is unbearable then
Can u spend 121 time with her doing things she likes?
It's hard when you don't know what triggers it.
Maybe keep a diary and note down these situations and identify any possible triggers.
I would suggest GP as a first call. Maybe visit the GP without her and have a chat.
Some counselling will also help. Does the school have any and would she even go?
Your point about she needing a hug is so spot on
I often have that thought when my teens are unbearable.
Staying in the room is common in teens but when it's accompanied by low mood or depression it's not a good thing to leave them to it for days at a time.
It does cause a spiral.
So try and see if you can get her out for a walk and hot chocolate this weekend and see if she would talk.
It's OK to feel like you don't like her at the moment. You will always love her.

I think you need to get tough and take back control.
eS
he gets no privileges until she behaves herself. I'd say no phone, no electronics, no Internet access until she does what you say. Approach it from a calm "I love you but I will not tolerate this behaviour in my own home" angle, at a time when there has been no argument. If she kicks off, stay calm and tell her "I am doing this because I love you and I know what is best for you". Keep repeating it and DO NOT GIVE IN.

I wouldn't allow her to stay in her room the whole time either, try to get her more involved with the family. Your husband needs to back you up, show a united front...this is key.

I was a TOTAL SHIT as a teenager and disrespectful to the highest heavens. Ive no idea how my parents put up with me. With hindsight, my dad could've done more to back my mum up and I think this would've helped.

Thanks again for your insight, everyone. I am (supposed to be) working today so will look back on here tonight. If you’d told me 12 months (even 6) ago that I’d be scared in her, I’d have laughed but I am. Scared of and for her.

We had a similar experience OP with our son and we put it down to being a teenager. He was diagnosed at 18 with ASD.

i presume she has a phone? What is she doing on it? Do you check it?

The way you describe the random moods I wonder if something is going on online which triggers her at home.

We are in same situation- check her phone, our daughter had very inappropriate messages and had been sexually assaulted. Couple of years down the road, things still bad but I cope better. Get help, Gp, get a referral to Camhs ( takes forever). We also requested social services help as the behaviour became out of control and we were terrified for her and also it is awful living with this amount of stress for the whole family. All behaviour is communication but in all honesty I have found it hard to unpick. Camhs looking at several diagnosis such as ADHD and depression. Mine again is like yours, high achiever, top marks and before school refusal started at 15, she was a model pupil.
I know what you are going through and it is terrible. Get help- we were told this behaviour rarely just disappears without help

Is her dad at home?

@cptartapp Yes, he is. Married 22 years! No real issues so don’t think our relationship is a factor.

She has a phone, yes, but we check it. Not allowed Tik Tok, Snapchat etc. When she’s OK, she often shows me her messages without being asked. She’s as bemused as me by the fact that some of her classmates have ‘boy/girlfriends’ they have never actually spoken to yet they talk about them to others incessantly.

@wishmyhousetidy Thanks for your input. I’m sorry you were in the same boat.

When she kicks off and swears etc, what do you currently do to discipline her for this behaviour?

I think you should remove them when she is at school. When she comes home, calmly tell her that unless her behaviour improves she won't be getting them back. She needs to behave for a week or whatever before she gets them back.

Put in firm rules. I think she is crying out for boundaries.

Yes, we probably should but the school uses phone apps for timetabling etc so it’s a bit tricky and she walks to/from and uses her phone to make travel plans with friends/ask to be picked up after away matches etc. I will ponder it.

I would deffo give it some thought if I were you.

At 12, DD was disrespectful to me and we removed her phone for a fortnight. She had to travel 2 buses and an hour to get to school (and then the same again home.)

She's 16 now and we have a good relationship.

With my explosive child the boundary he most needed was to know he was loved. No to violence but talking and trying to de- escalate helped best. He is great now but we came through the self harm and poor mental health first. He is asd but most would never thinks so from the outside. He out grew it and is super wonderful now. Punishments didn’t help. I didn’t always get it right but the fuck iOS we’re all punishment related.

I would keep an open mind re considering SEN (particularly ASD). Girls in particular are frequently quite good at masking but around the time of transitioning to post primary school whenever more complex demands in social interactions are appearing anxiety tends to go through the roof.
Good behaviour in school combined with quite challenging behaviour at home would be typical (also known as the coke bottle effect).
I would thread extremely carefully and try to pick my battles, try to not take it personally and allow for some low stimulus/ low demand time at home after school.

Would her outburst be around her periods? I was reading this week about girls/ women who experience raging moods etc as their period approaches. Then dies away. This was not the usual PMT but quite extreme.