How do you cope with rudeness/swearing/violence?

[Sinequa]

My eldest is 12 and is in Yr 7. Puberty has well and truly kicked in so I consider her a teenager. We are having serious problems with her behaviour which are adversely affecting family life (and I am worried about what the younger one sees and hears). We are on the waiting list for private counselling. We have called the police in the past. She is rude. She swears. She hits us. She damages property. She wishes us all dead. No one outside the house would have a clue. For the most part, she saves this behaviour for home.

How do we all cope whilst waiting for treatment? The behaviour is sporadic rather than constant but the triggers are not easy to foresee so we never know when an outburst might happen. Often I think that she just needs a huge hug but she pushes us away again and again.

Also, when the outburst is over, I am struggling to return to ‘normal’ with her and be loving/affectionate. If another adult treated me the way she does, I’d never have anything to do with them. Has anyone got any wise words for me? We are getting desperate. The latest outburst started at the weekend and we have barely seen her this week. She goes to her room and stays there. I have no idea how she is. We feel we are failing her but I genuinely don’t know what to do. That was longer than I expected.

Thanks for any advice or strategies.

I agree. I also gave a daughter who was very well-behaved and performed well at school until the secondary years when it fell apart very quickly , coinciding with the lockdowns. It turned out that the behaviour was caused by ASD and depression. Normal parenting techniques didn’t work, such as removing tech etc ( and when the hitting started, she didn’t have a phone or much access to tech). What has helped is CAMHS, family therapy, medication and from my point of view, really finding out about autism and how it presents in females. Also, menstrual suppression via contraception has helped with the sensory and anxiety-related elements linked to periods. It has been hard but we seem to have come out the other side and although there are still emotional meltdowns, there has been very little violence in the last couple of years.

I do know how hard it is, not least the taboo of your child hitting you and not being able to talk to friends and family about it.

My twelve year old son squares up to me sometimes. He's great at school and happy and carefree with friends or at football. I'm just his safe place for releasing all the shit. I would never hit anyone but I do wonder what would happen if I just slapped him across the face like my own mother did to me once. I got thd fright of my life and shaped up immediately. Awful, I know. Such a taboo.

Hello again to anyone still reading. Our battle is ongoing. It reached another new low on holiday last week. She has taken to mocking me for a very minor disability I developed after an injury years ago. She mimics me. I was also kicked, slapped and had my hair pulled on various occasions. DH got the same treatment. We were in a hotel where she deliberately yelled out obscenities late at night/before breakfast (because we had by then confiscated her phone). It was awful. Humiliating. I cannot now bring myself to engage with her beyond the basics of getting her up, showered, dressed and fed. On the waiting list for further help/input after another police visit in May but it’s a long time coming…sorry, just needed to vent.

So sorry for you- we are over two years in and the violence is still present in certain circumstances. I wrote to you before and since then we have an ADHD diagnosis. Did you get a diagnosis?
Could you self refer to social services - we have and they are helpful in certain ways and they talk to CAMHS if that ever happens for you
They also ran a course for Child to Parent violence where the support from other parents was invaluable. You are not alone- this happens in perfectly ordinary families and it is devastating
I understand the disengagement with your daughter- it’s not acceptable to be someone’s punchbag but as far as you can keep yourself calm in front of her. They pick up on your energy but it is impossible sometimes I know
Things change and I believe this will not be forever.

Thanks @wishmyhousetidy
No diagnosis here. CAMHS weren’t really interested back in May. I was sent info about a programme which I thought looked useful but the wait list is up 16 weeks. We are on it. DH ended up taking her to A&E on Friday night after further violence. CAMHS called to speak to her yesterday as a result but she refused to engage so now they are planning a F2F session. She and I are barely on speaking terms. It’s just awful. Feel so bad for her sibling too. No child should have to witness all this.

Hi there @Sinequa I really needed this thread! Our daughter is 12 and we are going through a very similar time. I just wondered if things had settled down and how your relationship is with your daughter now? We could do with a real boost if hope over here as things are pretty miserable ATM. I really hope you and your family are through the worst of the storm.

@kirmitzvah Sorry to read that you are also struggling with behaviour BUT we are now completely out the other side. It was literally like a switch flipped last March and she reverted to the girl we recognised. I still have no real idea what the hell happened for the previous two years (which themselves were hell) but there has been no repetition of the behaviour. Good luck.

Hi @Sinequa and @kirmitzvah
i am so glad I found this thread. It’s as though you’re speaking about us because we are literally in the exact same position. DD is year 10 and we’re having more frequent episodes of rude language, outbursts, name calling, and sometimes physical hitting. Worst episode happened this weekend and has lasted 3 days.

Things have gotten worse in the last 2-3 years. She blames EVERYTHING on us. She’s got tests coming up and needs help but whenever we sit down to work through something she lashes out, name calls, blames everyone for everything. We can’t even help her with homework. The sad thing is that she can do the work when she applies herself but she’s not doing it. Both of us parents have reached our wits end and maybe we too say things back in the heat of them moment that don’t help.

Her siblings have to see this and it’s not fair on them but we’re trying to control things….thinking about triggers and being attentive. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t.

@Sinequa can you trace back where you think the change happened for her? Looking back, don’t think you done something that helped her overcome it or you would have done differently?

ANY insight would be really welcome right now and hopefully of benefit to others too.

Discovering this thread has actually relieved a lot of the tension in my head and body. Sometimes it helps just to know others are dealing with this and that it will pass (fingers crossed).

@Abmaj Sorry to read you are also having difficulties. I wish that I had an answer but I don’t, really. Our transformative weekend back to normality exactly a year ago involved a pop concert and first meeting with our dog but I struggle to believe either or both of these events could have caused such a massive shift. Sorry not to be more help. All I can think is that I could have been ‘nicer’ sooner but you get so worn down that it becomes impossible not to let the behaviour impact the relationship. Good luck.