12 yo DS watching porn

[TiffanyLamp]

Can’t believe I’m typing this. Literally last Christmas he believed in Father Christmas!
DS is in 50 / 50 custody. I saw his dad at the school on Friday and he said he borrowed DS’s phone to do something on the car. ExH managed to bypass the password and saw that DS had been watching porn.

Now we’re pretty open minded about sex but we’re both a bit shocked that it’s so early. But we’re older parents - both 50 so we’re probably out of touch with the rate of change of the digital world.

ive had a quick Google. I don’t want to shame DS, but I do want to protect him.
I don’t know the password on his phone. He said he wanted his privacy. I respected that in that he can have private conversations with his friends. He’s a sensible, mature child. But free access to pornhub is not within that remit.

so I found out a couple of days ago. We’ve also had a bereavement in the family, so I’m dealing with that. However I want to talk with DS about this soon. Like tomorrow.

obviously he’s curious about sex. What books resources do you suggest explaining sex with emotions, respect etc.

a couple of years ago, I bought him an age appropriate book about his developing body. He was embarrassed at me reading it with him and I’m not sure where it’s even gone. I’m not sure how involved I should get in teaching him about normal sex. This might be one for his dad to discuss the nitty gritty details. I’m not shy, I just want DS to be receptive and know he’s not in trouble,

This is a difficult question, but what sort of porn has he been accessing?
I'd suggest his Dad sitting him down and letting him know he's seen that he's been accessing porn. I'd want your son to know that he isn't old enough to watch it, as it doesn't depict anything close to real life. I'd want him to know that real sex is nothing like porn and real bodies are nothing like porn. I'd also want him to know that sex happens in loving relationships, not in the ways shown in most porn. I'd want his Dad to talk about misogyny and the male view of women etc.
12 is very young to be accessing porn and I wonder what need its meeting for him. How is he socially? Is it like a 'lads lads lads' thing, or is he more isolated?

Unfortunately 12 isn't young to be accessing porn.

You need full access to his phone / computer and the phone needs to stay downstairs overnight. We insisted on this until D's was 15 nearly 16. Get some filters on it too.

Talk to him gently about it and talk to him about the exploitation on women and how this isn't a true representation of 'normal every day sex.' Books are a good idea but I don't know what's out there these days, perhaps someone else will have a suggestion.

Make sure ds knows it's normal to be curious about sex. We had a box where he could leave me any question he liked in a note. Weirdly he didn't want to talk to his dad about anything sex related so it was up to me to answer any questions and this way he wasn't embarrassed.

I really like the idea about a box with a note.
good point about keeping the phone downstairs and parental controls.

ive just found this old mumsnet guest post talking about porn.
www.mumsnet.com/talk/guest_posts/2191917-Guest-post-How-to-talk-to-your-teenagers-about-porn

also this more recent tedx talk about porn and how to bring critical thinking about porn in the open.

im going to have a conversation about it in the car tomorrow on the way to school. I just remembered that I saw some porn mags when we were staying at a friends house. I was only 9. They were naked women, so nothing hardcore. My mum was so shocked and I got told off and felt shamed. I’m not going to do this to my son, but I’m going to use it as an intro to bring it into the open tomorrow.

ill keep googling resources.

I’m not sure it’s meeting a need rather than at the moment curiosity.

we’re quite rural and also live in Europe. He’s pretty sociable at school and we see friends. He probably spends too long on his computer, but he’s gaming and chatting through the headset to his friends.

id talked to him about internet safety / grooming. Wasn’t quite ready for the porn convo. Although he told me they’d done sex Ed at school, I hadn’t had the convo with him myself.

How is he able to view porn on his phone? Why doesn't it have any safety protection?

Just in case it isn't obvious to you, it is EXTREMELY unlikely that he will stop now he's started.

He's 12. This really absolutely does need a meeting and intervention.

Why would you give a 12 year old a device where they can access anything on the internet without ensuring he is protected. That is utter madness.

if you provide the device at such a young age you really need to know what her is looking at.

Whoah! Naïveté on my part. Please don’t be judgey!

we don’t live in the U.K., which does seem quite a bit more advanced each time i visit! Compared to where we live.
i will be taking his phone off him tomorrow and figuring out how to put on parental controls.

How have you not had a conversation to date about sex and porn - honestly I just can't understand why parents are shocked when their child isn't informed seeks answers on the internet.

There are plenty of resources discussing sex, porn, LGBTQ etc all information they need. Depending on where in Europe you are the age of consent could be less than two years away.

Also sort the permissions on the phone and regularly check his phone. Ironically you are allowing him free for all on the internet without teaching him the fundamentals. Your job as a parent is to have ongoing conversations to give them guidance on what real sexual relationships are like, discussions on topics like attraction, consent, trust contraception etc all need to come from parents, not the internet.

You need to put parental controls on straight away. I take it you've never looked at a porn site? It would be hard to find anything vanilla these days. A quick glance at any site and you will see step sister, brutal anal, teen gangbangs, women being tied up and slappedetc on the front of the sight. I would be beside myself if I found my child (similar age to yours) had been looking at it. It's very hard not to judge tbh. You've given a 12 year old boy free range on the internet. You've no idea how long he's been watching it, what he's seen.

*site

Do you know what www stands for? Where you live has absolutely nothing to do with anything.

Yes on a practical note If it's an iPhone then you can set up controls on your own phone so safari can be disabled. You can also restrict access to pretty much everything else too if you wish e.g screen times, the apps they can download.
This was a precondition of DS having a phone at a young age. He does grumble but it is absolutely necessary I feel.

Ok, i will be talking to him in the morning on the way to school.
yes i have seen porn sites.
i have been naive as to what he was interested in on the internet. I’m learning fast

very hard not to judge tbh.

Unfortunately a large number of year 7s have seen porn. The majority of blockers installed on phones is via the network/WiFi. Once a phone accesses an unrestricted WiFi it is easy to access. Also a lot of children are very tech competent and can get around a lot of parent blockers.

The government recently voted against blocking porn.

FFS. I haven’t been on mumsnet for years. I’m not used to this agression.
you’ve made your point and I think you’re being rather rude now. I’d prefer it if you didn’t comment again if it’s only to be patronising.

I started watching porn about 9 or 10. The age wouldn't surprise me given how readily available it is now.

It’s a Samsung. I’ll have to Google and figure out how to do it.

I'd rather, for the sake of humanity, my daughter and all, that people didn't expose their sons to all the non-consent porn etc they like at 12 years old. But we don't always get what we want, do we?

I know you think you are, but you're actually not saying anything constructive in this context. You're preaching to the converted and it's unfair. Read the room.

Hi OP, I have sons (a lot younger than yours but time flies!) so didn't want to read and run.

It's really scary what they can find on their phones at such a young age. It's good that you know now what's going on and are going to support him without shame.

This is generally for younger kids but there are some pages for older ones, and I find it a good resource: saferinternet.org.uk/safer-internet-day/safer-internet-day-2023/quiz-for-14-18s

In general I'd want to talk to him about the massive difference between porn and sex. E.g. how weird it is that porn actors have no body hair. That most porn is made by men and it is misogynistic in how it treats and represents women. That porn really normalises sexual violence and non-consent, which is criminal behaviour. How real sex is funny and gentle and happens between people who usually really like each other and want the other person to have a nice time - not throw them around or choke them!

Maybe find some alternatives to mainstream porny porn to discuss with him - erotic writing, erotic art - which doesn't demean or harm real women like porn does. Better to masturbate to drawings or text rather than rape! Plus you could find some "ethical" porn made by women and talk to him about how different it is to what he has seen, and why.

Lastly I'd say that porn can be really addictive, and that can damage our MH and real life relationships, so that is another good reason to really limit and be wise about when and how we are interacting with porn.

No idea if this is helpful but it's the fundamentals of what I'm planning to roll out in 5 years or so! :)

Good luck, hope it goes well.

Well maybe don’t derail threads where people are trying to ensure exactly that doesn’t happen then.

Thank you so much. I had no idea these resources existed.
i need to find some ways of DS’s curiosity about sex being answered. Educational age appropriate books or videos I guess. I just do t want him desensitised. Apparently porn addiction is a bad as drug addiction on the dopamine receptors etc.

I agree with the person who suggests DS has a proper meeting with his father. The father is the best person. He found the porn. He is his male role model.
It is more powerful for his father to explain mistreatment of women in the porn industry etc and the complete inappropriateness of DS watching porn now or ever in his life. So many studies have shown the negative effects of porn.
It is child neglect to not monitor internet sites and to not teach proper sex education.

At 12 you do need access to his phone. You don't need to use it but you pay for it and he's a minor.